Last week, I introduced the new series about Philippine Culture called “SIR” which means “Smooth Interpersonal Relations.” After that, we talked about the first tenet of SIR, which is called “In Group” or Kita. Today, it’s time we move on to the second major tenet of SIR, “Pakig-Uban.” Pakig-Uban is derived from the root word, “uban” which means to accompany or go along with.
So, how is this related to SIR? Pakig-Uban generally means “good public relations,” and in relation to SIR it means going along with the group, and adjusting to the group norms.
As I said in the previous article about In Group, pointed out that Filipinos really have a need to be part a larger group, and do not like being alone. To remain part of the group, it is important for each group member to conform to the group, and to take on the group values. If the person bucks the group norm, the person will not remain in the group for long. But, by conforming to the values of the group, the person gets “backing” from the other group members, they will be behind this person through thick and thin.
How about some examples of this, by looking at the foreigner’s viewpoint of a subject, and then how the Filipino will view it:
- American/Foreinger View: The individual manipulates his environment. Man studies the laws of nature and takes advantage of them.
Filipino View: The individual has to placate the powers that be. There is no individual control of what happens in life.
Wow, how interesting. As an American, I could never bring myself to think along the lines of the way that Filipinos view this. It simply is so far outside my way of thinking that it is incomprehensible. See what I am saying about the group – the individual Filipino fees that he must conform to the group because it is only the group that would have enough power to have any control of any situation. Even the group, though, would not have control over something as large as life itself. - American/Foreigner way: Open to change, flux and movement.
Filipino way: Follows the traditional way.
For the Filipino to even breach the topic of changing the way something is or should be done, it breaks with the group thought. Filipinos, as a large group, have done things a certain way for generations, and to think of a new way would be to say that the old way of doing it is wrong, so it is not natural for a Filipino to bring new ideas to the table. - American/Foreigner way: “My fair share”. The American or Foreigner wants to make sure that he (and his family, of course) always get their fair share. If something is to be divided, it is important that he gets (at least) what is due to him.
Filipino way: “Everyone’s fair share”. Instead of looking out for himself, the Filipino is interested to see that everybody involved gets his fair amount. It would not be fair to the entire group, after all, if one person in the group got more than he should, because that would mean that others in the group did not get what they should have gotten. - American/Foreigner way: Work hard to keep up with the Jones family.
Filipino way: If the “Dela Cruz” family has a stroke of luck or fortune, they should share it with the rest of the group.
This a major difference between our cultures. It is also something that causes a lot of heartache among us foreigners. When you have more than the others, you are expected to share the wealth. Filipinos who get a raise at work or get promoted to a better job will often throw a big party for their group of friends, and will spend a huge amount of money. To do less would be to abandon the group.
These are just a few examples of how Filipinos must defer to the group, and always uphold the values of the group. Most of us westerners would have long since told the group where to go if the group expected conformity from us. That is not the Filipino way, though.
It’s just one more part of SIR. Don’t take me wrong about SIR, I am not saying that we should all live our lives by SIR, I could not do it. I can, though, accept parts of SIR into my life, while not conforming with others. Even if we don’t conform, it is still useful and helpful to understand it so that we can make an easier life for ourselves in the Philippines.
Morning Bob,
Yeah, look, I don't have any problems with other cultures and their beliefs. It's one of the things that make travel as interesting as it is. Also, cross-pollination of cultures provides all sorts of benefits. What does P me off a bit, however, is that it always up to the westerner to "conform" or "understand" or "tolerate" the attituteds and beliefs of other cultures – even in our own countries!! Why can't other cultures understand that we are different too? Why expect us to support their 14th cousin when it is not the norm for us to do that? There has been a bit of a backlash since 9/11 with the "ordinary man" or "silent majority" coming to the fore and realising the way we have bent over backwards to accomodate other cultures rather than the old mehtod of assimilation has not always worked to our advantage in cultural harmony. I agree entirely with what you say Bob re adopting some of these values; respecting the majority; and not being able to conform to some.
Interesting comment Aussie, enjoyed it. I feel much the same. In regards to your article Bob it becomes a little clearer as to why things are the way they are. I see people working all the time in the RP and shake my head at the lack of efficiency and redundancy, certain this must be due to that mentality. Part of me pitys the perception that things must always remain the same and not to question or bring forth a 'better' way …what a cultural stumbling point to progress. I can only sit and smile to myself as i ponder that perhaps this is why part of me enjoys the RP….the simplicity of life and to know that it will change ever so slowly there.
I guess thinking outside the box is unheard of in the Philippines. And it is sad because to be successful sometimes you have to think outside box.
Hi AussieLee- Yeah, I hear you, and I agree in many ways. When immigrants come to your country or mine, I feel that it is their responsibility to conform. It doesn't always work that way, though. However, when we come to live in the Philippines, then it is our responsibility to conform, or at least understand how things work here. It does seem that we are always on the losing end, though, doesn't it? 😉
Hi brian- Yes, there are a lot of things that don't work the way we would design them to work, but like you say, if everything was like it is in our home country, then we probably wouldn't want to live here either. It's a balance that we must find in our lives.
Hi Ray- That is very true.
This is one of the most important posts you have ever published, Bob, in regards to actually learning to live here without constant aggravation and frustration.
When we Westerners think about 'adapting' to a foreign country we think about issues like driving hbnaits, lanaguage, 220 versus 100 power … those obvious differences. But the heart of the matter is just as you described … the view of life of John Doe and Juan dela cruz is totally different in some very, vaery basic ways.
"Why don't _they_ take advanatage of this"? "Why did s'/he react _that_ way"? "Doesn't _everyone_ want this or that"?
It's different. Nt necessarily better, not necessarily worse, but different in ways that many of us take along. ong time to actually see.
Hi Bob, what do u think about an american coming there and establishing no smoking zones with the family. Will that be a tough one for the group to swallow? I noticed how the filipino doesn't do much ribbing in my family. I work with a bunch of guys here in wyoming and thats pretty much the norm here. I gave one of my brother inlaws some ribbing in jest and he left. I have to be alot more serious with the filipino.
Hi Dave- Thank you very much. Yes, it is very true that the things that we westerners worry about in making such a move tend to be things that don't matter all that much, and the things that we don't even think about are the things that become important to our happiness in living somewhere like the Philippines. I know that I personally went through many years of living here when I was angry, didn't understnad how things really worked, etc. It was not a happy life for me. Taking the time to learn and understand things like SIR have helped me improve my life, and I am happy for that.
Hi John- No smoking zones can work, although I haven't heard of it being established in personal spaces. For example, all public places in Davao are a no smoking zone. It's illegal to smoke in public places here, and they will put you in jail if you do! So, it can be done.
Regarding joking and ribbing with people, Filipinos do that. Filipinos are a very fun loving people. I think that in your case with your brother in law, it is probably a matter of him not understanding your jokes. That happens often. Our humor and theirs do not match, so it takes time to get everybody on the same page, and understanding each other.
Yea Bob, I have seen it in some of the families I have visited ..I kind of enjoyed it ..we always had big get-together at home so crowds don't bother me to much , but I do enjoy my alone time too ……Phil R.
Hi Phil R.- Glad that you have been able to fit in and feel comfortable. I am not saying that crowds bother me, I enjoy a gathering. I just don't feel that I need to conform to the crowd. I am an individual, and it is not my style to give up my individuality in order to follow the crowd.
Hi Bob,
You are talking about *groups*, and then you mention family as well. I would presume a family is a group ( a large one in some cases), but then if one of the distant family marries, then does that family's members automatically become part of *your group*?
Also, are these *groups* formed at work (i.e. the office or workplace) or is that something else?
Just curious what defines a *group*.
Hi John in Austria- Well… hold you horses, my friend! Coming up in the series we will talk about the Compadre/Kinship System, which gets into the whole Family thing, and also what happens to one family and the other family when family members marry. It will be another interesting part of the discussion.
Groups can be formed at work, school, church, just about anywhere. I think that usually, members of a group have something in common that draws them into the group.
Bob,
I understand about the "group" feelings. When I was working, at break time someone would always let me know there was some vendor selling Puto or babink in the mornings and cakes, empanada or banana-Q in the afternoons. They would offer me som of theirs if I did not buy.
I am not a big fan of bananas. I do not like the soft consistancy. One afternoon one of the guys told me the girl was there selling and if I wanted one. When I said I never tired the grilled version he bought me one.
Then at the birthday celebrations, everyone would make sure I had enough to eat and if I was not hungry or not a big fan of what was served, they looked offended if I did not eat my share.
Now that I am not working there, I miss the friendships that were developed.
Hi Bruce- You are the only foreigner I have ever known of to work in the type of job that you did. Most foreigners who do any kind of work here are usually the boss, or in some level of authority. In your case, though, going into an office environment as "one of the employees" probably gives you a unique perspective on the SIR system.
Good article Bob and I appreciate the way you have formatted the text indicating the American / foriegner version and the Filipino version. I kind of caught on to people being in groups during my visits although I could not be sure if this was something of Filipino Culture or only the people I was visiting with at the time. Thank you for clarifying this.
At times when I had the feeling I had been misunderstood by some of my friends there I explained that there are certain cultural differences, many of which I am not familiar with when it came to Filipino Culture.
Similar to your comment, I agree that I believe here in the USA many of us consider ourselves as an individual and I have often used the term when Americans ( and possibly others as well ) get together as " A group of individuals " with possibly one or more things in common although each person having their own unique personality and individuality.
Hi Bob New York- I'm glad that this series of articles has been helpful to you. There is still plenty more to come too! 🙂
Hey Bob, I gotta comment on #4 with a twist.
Im a bit of a self proclaimed(Koreput) so I frown upon the following behavior.
The Wife went to Foxwoods Casino with some of her Pilipina friends, she won around 600 Bucks,they were all sucking around her saying "Balato". with their hands outstretched.
I dont get it, if my Wife would have lost a couple hunderd Bucks Im sure her friends would NOT have come around to hand her some cash to replace what she lost.
This type of behavior is SICK, I have to work on getting over this.
Hi Neal in RI,I just had a good laugh about your comment,it reminded me of my ex(british)wife.A group of my friends and i would occassionly have a syndicate bet.When we won and i got home with my share,my exwife would hold out her hand and ask for 50%.I would say to her "you never give me 50% when i lose",to which i would get a dirty look in reply.I gave her 50%,just to keep the peace "lol",then in future tried to keep it secret,unsuccessfully most times, regards Chas.
Hi Neal in RI- I wold tend to agree with you. Now, if your wife wanted to buy her friends a drink or something as a celebration of her good luck, that is one thing, but for them to put their hands out, expecting a share, that is too much in my book too.
Hi chasdv- Good one there, my friend. For me, in my relationship with Feyma, we share everything anyway,so whatever amount she would want or need would be hers anyway.
Hi Bob – Thinking further back in history, you've explained tribal survival. 😉
Toss in the cultural differences between regions, provinces, municipalities, barangays and sitios, and you really have an encyclopedia of culture. Of course, no one's worries or cares are much above the sitio level, so life isn't as involved as it appears to a westerner. 😆
Life in the far north remains paradise. Will be throwing a 1,500+USD house blessing / house warming party for the barangay – to share our good fortune with the group!
Hi Paul- $1500 house warming? 😯 If you really want to share with the group, you need to buy airline tickets for Feyma and I so that we can attend! 😆 Just joking, of course.
You're both welcome to attend – bring the kids, too! I'm sure one of the air carriers have a fare bargain going! 😉 My eldest son is flying in from Ohio, so why not? 😆
Gonna have lechon baka, 2 lechon baboy, lechon kalding, and a whole lotta other "stuff" that the caterer is throwing into the truck! The size of the affair is almost "expected" as the house is definitely the newest and largest in the barangay. Toss in the fact that most people living within a 10km radius are relatives, and you have a large guest list! Will have the municipality mayor (first cousin) and possibly our district representative (second cousin) there (with their armies of bodyguards – big fellers who can pack it away!). 😯
Hi Paul- That really sounds great! Hmm… lechon baka? I never had that before. The closest I came was lechon kabaw. Kalding? Is that Ilocano for goat? Bisaya is kanding and Tagalog is kanbing… good to learn a new word! 😯
Have a great party, Paul!
Now I finally get something that really confused me at the time. One of my fiancee's employees for the first time got full pay for the pay period. He's been behind by taking advances ever since he started working for them two years ago. And what happened when for the first time he actually got his full pay? Everyone starts yelling blow out, blow out, and off they go to buy food to celebrate. And of course the employee who for the first time got his full pay was buying. Which of course put him behind again and he's back to taking advances.
I didn't really understand why the employees all reacted like that, expecting a party, and why he happily put himself behind again when he finally made it to actually getting his full pay on pay day.
Hi Cary- It certainly is amazing to our way of thinking! In fact, it's not just amazing, it is unthinkable, and we would consider it irresponsible too. But, the thinking is just so different here!