Live in the Philippines

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The Expat Enigma

Expats, Family, Language Learning, Money Matters / by

Have you heard of the Expat Enigma?  Don’t worry, I haven’t either, in fact, I just made it up.  It is, though a very real thing, something that just never really had a name until now.

Firstly, what is an enigma?  Some people might not know, especially if English is not your first language.  An enigma is something that is a mystery, puzzling, generally something that is not easy to understand.  I suppose that there are plenty of enigmas about expats, we are a different lot after all.  But, one comes to my mind that I want to talk about today.  What is that enigma?

The Family Enigma

Going a little bit further, I’m talking about the Philippine Family Enigma.  What do I find puzzling or hard to understand about Filipino families?  Nothing really.  The enigma for me is how foreigners often deal with their Filipino family.

It has often been said, and is generally true that when you marry a lady in the Philippines, you marry the whole family.  It is actually also true, in my opinion, in western families, but in a much more limited sense.  When you marry in the Philippines, it becomes incumbent on you to assist the family.  If there is a family emergency, you will be expected to help the family financially.  If you cannot help financially, you need to help in other ways, however you can.  Generally, as expats, it is expected that we can help financially, though.  The help, however, is not usually limited to you, all members of the family are expected to help in whatever way they can.  Siblings of your wife are generally expected to help the parents, and the amount of help that they are expected to give generally is in line with their level of financial success.  Those who are wealthier are expected to help more than those who are poor.  That is to be expected, in my opinion.

What is the Enigma?

None of that is puzzling, though, it all is known or quickly becomes known to expat husbands of Filipinas.  So, what is the Enigma?

Well, if you talk to foreigners who talk about wanting to move to the Philippines and you ask them why they want to move here, they will almost all say, in the top few reasons for moving, that they like the way that family is so important in Philippine culture.  It is true, family is very important in the Philippines.  Probably much more important than it is in the West.  Don’t take me wrong, family is important in the West, but in a different way.  Here, the extended family unit is much closer than most extended families in the west.

OK, what about the Enigma?

Yes, my friends, I am getting to that now.

After many foreigners have been here for a while, if you ask them about their wife’s family, they get started ranting and raving!

  • They treat me like an ATM
  • I’m not included in the family
  • It’s all about money
  • No matter how much I help, they want more

This kind of thing is rampant among expats when they talk.  So, the enigma is that they first talk about how they long for the Philippine Family Values…. yet after they become more familiar with the way family works in the Philippines, they complain about it!  🙂  That, my friends, is an enigma.

I have to be honest

I must be honest.  With my wife’s family, I have been very lucky.  We have helped the family over the years.  Feyma and I have been married for more than 23 years now, so we have a lot of experience at this.  While in the States, and while living in the Philippines, we have helped financially and in other ways.  But, you know what?  I have never felt that it has been expected of us.  It has almost always been a situation where we helped because we wanted to help.  From time to time, we have been asked for help, but it was more “can you help with this” than “you will help.”  It has always been our choice.

How to handle excessive requests

If you get what you feel are excessive requests for help, the best thing you can do is talk about it.  First, talk with your wife, one on one.  She should know the family finances and understand that some of the requests coming from her family may be excessive, or even unnecessary.  Talk it over, and if she agrees that the requests have been excessive, ask her how it can best be handled with her family.  The most likely thing is that your wife will tell you that she will talk to her family, and she will take care of it.  I know this is how Feyma would handle it.  She would consider it embarrassing to her and to the family if I go and try to put my foot down with the family  It can be better handled by the wife, but first you have to make sure she understands that the family requests have been over the top.  Listen to what your wife says.  If she says that she wants you to go with her to talk to the family, ask her how you should handle the talk, what should you say in order to get through to the family while still allowing them to save face.  Listen to her, and follow her lead.

So, avoid the enigma.  Be firm, but polite.  Don’t let money requests ruin your family relationship.  After all, I bet that if you think back, having a close family life was one of the reasons you moved to the Philippines in the first place!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Hi Bob, There is always a yes but. My wife has been supporting her son and family completely for years and I haven’t intervened because it is her son even though she supports from her pension which does cut us short from the basics sometimes. We have been relieved to see that his wife has finally been employed full time as a teacher in a government school which is a reasonable income there around P20T month. However the phone calls still come on our pension day and the requests for money have not stopped and it seems they have just increased there lifestyle. This is evident by pics on Facebook of new cars and new tents and camping gear and regular trips to Samal etc. Don’t want to sound like a gripe but is this normal behavior do you think. Do they think that we have unlimited funds even on a pension.

    • Hi Nick – Yep, unfortunately, that is fairly normal behavior. Yes, many Filipinos think that we foreigners have unlimited funds… money growing on the tree in the backyard! 🙂 Time to have that talk that I mentioned in the article.

  3. Bob;
    My mother-in-law needed an eye operation this week, since my wife has PhilHealth and unbeknownst to me her mother is automatically covered (As am I)
    We put my brother-in-law in charge of the paperwork required to use PhilHealth (And there is a lot) but a few days later it was approved, and the operation was performed and all is well again. The lion’s share was covered by PhilHealth but about PNP 10,000.00 was not. My wife spoke to her sisters in Holland and Nevada and told them what their share was, but they wondered why I was not paying my share of the PNP 10,000.00 cash.
    I got on the phone and said; “The next time we’ll all just pay the cash equally and then your share would have been PNP 20,000.00 each. I paid for the insurance every year.”
    That was my conundrum for this week. Ahhh the joy of family!

    • Hi Paul – Being the one “on the scene” does add to “your share” in most cases. It sounds, though, like you have it all worked out and everything is good. A quick reminder from time to time does the trick!

  4. This is a great piece, bob. It’s so consist with many PI cultural enigmas. Guys want conservative good girls, as long as they will sleep with u, family values , until the family needs something, cheap prices, but where’s my American steak, etc. etc. the enigma is not the Philippines, it’s in the hearts of the expats.

  6. Great article and lessons, Bob! Coincidentally, my fiance and I were recently talking about this very subject. I had provided her with a prepaid debit card for some of the expenses that come up when two people are 8,000 miles apart. We talk almost every day via Skype about our future plans including finances. What was surprising to her was that it was ME who brought it up, and she was totally surprised that I knew about this. Having been previously married here in the States, you also “marry the family” here but to a much lesser extent. I have quite a few American relatives who are that way! I have known several guys married to Filipinas over the years, and I have learned about many Filipino traditions, customs, etc. I think that even before getting married a couple should discuss things like this so that there will be much less shock in the future.
    Jerome G.

    • Hi Jerome – You are setting yourself up for great success in your marriage. Learning about the culture and talking about it with your fiance is a great way to get started! The smart of way of doing things! Congratulations for that!

  7. Hi Bob, It’s simple for me. I give my wife a budget. Anything she takes out effects her and her immediate family that live with us. She always ask me, but she is a smart cookie when it come to money. MOST filipinas handle money well.

    • Hi Bill – I would agree with what you said that most Filipinas handle money well. On the other hand, I suspect that most expats disagree with that statement, based on the talk I hear from other expats. But, my experience matches up with what you say.

  10. Bob:

    “The walking ATM” statement always gets me… So many of these guys think that their pension makes them Bill Gates or Donald Trump. As a side note, those who use this statement usually also trot out that other gem, “I don’t like American women” (Gee, was your mother, grandmother, or daughter American? You don’t like them, either?)

    Those two statements say an awful lot about the character of the person making them.

    I don’t think I ever encountered so much selfishness or arrogance living in the USA, the Bahamas, or even the UAE until moving here… And I’m not talking about Filipinos. It really makes me wonder why some people even bothered to leave the USA.

    When I was married in the USA, I also had requests from my in-laws. It happens. Part of being married. Deal with it.

    • Hi John – yes, I see that too where many foreigners, even those who are relatively poor, think that they are wealthy. Well, it doesn’t really affect me, so I tend to just ignore.

  11. i mean honestly,i see it alot here in sydney, and i dont get it. i assume it is a coping mechanism for homesickness,but in the philippines such derogatory comments can be seen as insults. got to be more culturally aware expats.

  13. Unfortunately my experiences over the last four years have not been good. I had until recently been living with my girlfriend and her beautiful son. Her family were always putting pressure on her to extract money out of me, and my forgiveness has run out. She would porn things, not pay bills, tell me lies about why she needed money, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It really broke my heart to leave as I absolutely adored the little boy and I am the only Daddy he has ever known. I know life will get better, but I just feel so bad for the little guy, with me he had a future, now he has virtually nothing.

    • Sad to hear, Murray. If you have exhausted all avenues toward making your girlfriend understand the finances, though, it would seem that you had little choice.

  15. Very good article Bob. I myself, can’t not help the truly needy family members. We have put a few through college or tried to. We have bought tools, helped with medical bills, and many other things. Over the years, we have become more adapt at seeing what is truly needed, as to what is only wanted. I will complain to my wife one minute about not giving money to someone and then the next day feel it is the right thing to do. It is a struggle sometimes. But in the end, I would have it no other way, than to help someone less fortunate than us. It is hard sometimes to part with hard earned money. I guess I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Thus is the merging of the cultures.

    • Hi Robert – I know what you mean… not helping is harder than helping in most instances. I have been burned when I have helped some people, but overall it has been a good thing.

  18. Hi David, an expat is a person who lives in country other than the country of his birth or where he is a citizen. For example, I am an American who lives in the Philippines, thus I am an expat.

  23. Bob,

    A lot depends on the family’s socio economic background, and their cultural and educational level. My family is educated, well earning middle class people. I am married to a foreigner. My family does not make demands on him. When we visit family, we get them normal gifts. There is no obligation or such put on my husband to provide for anyone else. If there is an emergency we talk about it and consider it. I also feel many expats spoil their wives’s families at times by giving away cash so easily which has lead to this cultural of dependency in the Philippines.

    Even the Husband regardless he may be an expat or he is a local, has his own family and his own obligations to take care of. I don’t feel you can generalize everyone in the Philippines like that. In most cases if the woman is also working, she can send a contribution home to her elderly parents, and each member is expected to make a small contribution. I do not believe everything is simply dumped into a foreigner. It all depends on the family background of the woman.

    Again, a cultural of dependency is unhealthy, regardless of what justifications may be given for this. If you are going to throw your hard earned money to every demand of relatives, an cannot save or spare that money for your own children’s future and their education, then something is seriously wrong with that person who throws away money easily. Emergencies are something else, provided you can afford to throw like that.

    Most elderly American and Western expats who come here have stable pensions and their own parents have passed away. You cannot say that for younger expats, who have their own families in other countries, and not all come from countries that have social security system. And IS the social security system in western countries sufficient these days to meet the needs of elderly there? No.

    • Hi Deborah – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Of course, no single article can cover every family or person in an entire country. But, if you look at cultural norms what I said was very common among Filipino families.

    • Data. Average US Social Security payment is $1230/month as of 2012. It is US inflation adjusted each year.
      That’s less than $15,000/yr and mandatory Medicare premium extraction is made from it age 65+, if someone is going to use Medicare (vast majority do).

  24. What gets me is seeing older guys (60+) having kids and no plan on how his family will make out when he is gone, then complaining about all the unsupervised or maybe fatherless kids running around.

    • Did you think maybe an older guy has some money to leave his wife if he dies early unlike a lot of younger deadbeats who have a heap of kids, spend their money on booze and drugs then end up dead or in jail or running off with someone else?
      Categorizing people by age is the same as discriminating on the basis of sex, colour, race, religion etc. – not very intelligent.
      There is a lot of vitriol directed at older expats on this blog. Must be a big daddy thing with some readers.

  25. Bob,
    Anne can really save a peso. Sometimes I have to tell her to just buy something if she wants it. Fortunately or unfortunately we don’t have to worry about family asking for any support.

  26. Great topic Bob, maybe you can recall some time ago I was asking some advice when my wife´s sister-in-law suddenly got ill, they were then asking me for 20,000 pesos to help pay hospital bills…being new here I did not know very much about Filippino culture and that I was expected to help family financially when needed. My wife certainly did not advise me of this custom before or after the marriage, ok well after going on the forum I got some advice and it turned out I gave 3 times the amount and I´m sure other family members near and far gave as well….In the meantime I also had other obligations as well like paying the freighter company 65,000 pesos for a container to be shipped from Manila to Bacolod, so that put a strain on my budget so to speak. In the past, I had given small amounts to her sisters and brothers when asked and that was no problem, but then I was again asked for 50,000 pesos. I told my wife our budget could not stand the strain so she should tell her brother the situation, we still try to help out even today with small sums but I want to know, where do you draw the line?? until you´re flat broke?? I mean her brother got angry because I declined the last request, never mind he thinks I have a money tree in the backyard, mind you I don´t have unlimited funds or a large bankroll, but he forgot that I gave him 60, 000 pesos weeks before. Is that normal behaviour and to be expected in Filippino culture?? If so, it will be a learning experience for me.

  27. You make comparisons only between Western and Filipino family systems, you omit out how Chinese, Koreans, Japanese, Indonesians all have their family systems, of care and helping but not to this extent of becoming leeching. Family values do not mean finances always.

    • Hello Nutcracker – I have never been part of a Chinese, Korean, Japanese or Indonesian family, so I cannot speak intelligently on the topic of how their family systems work. If you have such experience, perhaps you would be interested in writing a guest article on how they differ from Filipino families?

  28. ” When you marry in the Philippines, it becomes incumbent on you to assist the family.” – As if you speak for the entire Philippines. Help is done out of love and consideration, not some sort of a gun pointed at your head Shariah system. Get your words up to date Bob. I have never heard Filipinos make such demands.

    • Aj – When I write, I write for one person – ME. I do not claim to represent the entire Philippines, I don’t know where you get that idea from. You are entitled to your opinion, but remember, I am also. I don’t need you to lecture me on what words I should use or whether they are up to date or not. If you don’t like the words I use, nobody forces you to visit MY site. Right?

      • YOUR SITE, where you generalize and spread misinformation about MY COUNTRY and make us Filipinos look bad as money leecher GET IT?

        • I never called anybody a money leecher, Aj. Do you have trouble with reading comprehension? If you read my article, I specifically said that if a person cannot help financially they can help in other ways. I also said that financial help is also often sought in the west. My friend, if you don’t like my site, you are welcome to leave.

          I don’t make Filipinos look bad, I just try to explain the way I understand things, so that hopefully it will help a few other people who are facing situations that I have already been through in the past.

  29. Hi Bob,

    Great article! Request for money always come through my wife. She only brings them to me if she feels they are genuinely something we should help with. If the request reach me, I normally help. I always point out that the money in our bank account is as much hers as it is mine. The truth is if they brought the request directly to me I would probably be helping more. My wife is much better at getting to the truth of the matter than I. We simply don’t make or have enough money to solve all of the families problems and even if we did that would not truly be in there best interest anyway. Our situation is that we live in the US and all my wife’s family lives in the Philippines. So I agree with you it is best to let your wife handle the contact with the family.

  33. A good article Bob, and good advice. Sort of a this is what we signed up for, now learn to work with it situation. My own situation is not unique, but does seem to be in the minority. I married into a family of OFWs. All of Marlyn’s immediate family live and work overseas. All are naturalized citizens of either the US, or a European country. My mother-in-law’s experience is a textbook “up by your bootstraps” story. The requests for help, both legitimate, and outrageous, come from the extended family. We’ve learned to manage it. Marlyn is the one who handles it. Her method seems to be, yes, we have an obligation to help. But those helped also incur obligations according to their means and abilities. Some proved themselves to be leeches and were cut off. Others rose to the occasion. Decades later, these folks are now a part of a strong family system. Some of them have prospered enough that they are now in a position to help others.

    Take care,
    Pete

    • Interesting, Pete, I believe that you and I are in an exact opposite situation. In Feyma’s immediate family, none of them work overseas, or ever have. In the more extended family, I can only think of one person who has ever worked overseas at all. Feyma is the only one who has foreign citizenship. We are also similar, though, in that for the main part, the only requests for help that I have gotten over the years have come from extended family, sometimes from extended family that we don’t even know.

  34. Hi Bob – This is another good article on culture. I am amazed that you have people attack you, when your writings are pretty straightforward and it is clear you have a heart for the Philippines and the people. You have had a few crackers recently.

    • Yeah, I don’t understand it, Brenton. I did not find my article to be confrontational or controversial at all, but several people have attacked it harshly. I’m not sure why. You have not even seen the majority of the attacks, some of them were simply too vulgar to even publish.

      • I’m not sure what the critics were reading. The article was about expats who express joy at the family values of the Filipinos, then complain when they are expected to contribute to the family. Hmmmm.

        Take care,
        Pete

      • Hi Bob – Wow! I was also referring to previous articles published recently as well. I have friends here that actually consider me a little Pinoy on the inside. A lot is from understanding SIR, learning Visayan jokes, learning general culture and speaking Visayan. I have learnt a lot from your site. You actually like it here, like the people and have acculturalised more than most. That in my mind demonstrates huge respect for the culture. I really like any articles you write related to culture.

  35. Good post Bob, seemed a pretty fair description of what I’ve experienced. The ironic part is is when you touched on the Filipino enigma as well when you wrote about going to the family and helping them “save face” when asking for money. In our case, this is done with us already having discussed with the other family members what is needed or can be spared and then offer it to Tatay, rather than have him have to request it.

  36. Bob, If I am correct you had mentioned several times in your blogs, you are selective of whom you want to help in Feyma’s family. Is that correct? Can you elaborate it a bit more here ?

  37. Thank goodness, I saw your site Bob. I am in deep trouble and please guide me here in the forum if possible. My Filipino wife’s brother in laws and cousins were repeatedly asking us for money. We tried our best to give them within our means possible, even cutting down on many things I had hoped to enjoy in the Philippines as a retirement destination. Repeatedly requests came, most of the time emergencies. I have a modest pension and child support to pay in the U.S (from my previous marriage), with whatever I got I had hoped to live in the Philippines. With lots of requests coming for business loans, medical emergencies I was unable to cope with this. Often difficult or not possible answer would bring a lot of anger from her brother in laws (husbands of her sisters). Recently, the brother in law’s mother got sick and they wanted me to give Peso 35,000. I simply could not spare that much money. Angered, he accused me of being an indifferent monster, and he and group of relatives have gone to the Barangay office, accused me of disrespect towards Philippines, and he has personal connections to the Barangay captain. He is threatening to request my deportation. Many men against me. I have done nothing wrong, and I have only arrived here few months not sufficient enough to build the needed contacts. My wife is also sick and unable to face this problem. Please advise me, as I am breaking down. I cannot give you my email or personal details. Please advise here.

    • If I were in your shoes, Alister, I would consider moving to a different area to avoid the problems. You cannot be deported for failing to give people money, you can rest assured on that.

      • Thank you Bob. But I am not being accused of not giving money, they are accusing me falsely of showing disrespecting Filipinos and Philippines, and it is many people vs one. I wish we can move out of this place, but it is not easy as my wife is taking care of her elderly parents , her two sisters are with their husbands (her brother in laws who are instigating this problem). I am so distressed now, no matter what I poured and gave freely nothing is being acknowledged, it makes me suicidal at times. Thank you for listening Bob, I feel paradise is turning into Dante’s inferno.

        • Hi Alistair, sorry to hear your problems, I know where you´re coming from when it comes to situations like that, and I wished that this didn´t happen to you…I think you´re in some kind of blackmail situation, with no way out…but as Brenton says maybe a lawyer can help you…they know the law and your tormenters may” back off” when they know you are seeking legal advice even their friend is the Barangay Captain. Good Luck to you in the future.

          • Hi Alister – If Richie R happened to be right in assuming that they are trying to blackmail you in some way, then your advantage is you have little money. Meaning if you don’t have money to give, then it is not an option to give it. If they are trying to blackmail in some way then naturally they would undertake activities to increase your emotional pain. Good luck!

    • Hi Alister – If you can’t move then get a lawyer. Lawyers in the Philippines are affordable even on a pensioners income. Go around asking expats unknown to your family, what lawyers they use and how much their hourly rates are. Let a professional Pinoy lawyer that has been referred from an expat sort the matter.

    • Hi Alister – I am uncertain where you live. But I dwell in Dumaguete. I do know that in this region there are remedies for people that are sick by local means.

      Example – The cost might be 35,000 as standard. But say at the public hospital in Dumaguete, the same surgeons reduce their rates to under half and some for free, the hospital offers a cheap or free stay, if there are medicines in the hospital they are cheap or free. The actual burden could reduce from 35,000 to quite low. for your family.

      Additionally locals have remedies of approaching their barangay captains, mayors and governors to ask for much needed assistance. If your family is so well connected to the barangay captain, then it should be of little hassle to avail some of the above. I am uncertain if these remedies exist everywhere in the Philippines, but they exist in Negros Oriental.

  38. How about this situation!

    A Filipina married to foreigner. She is frugal/thrift. Whatever money that came from her husband(foreigner), she saves it and even invest into small businesses and acquire some mortgage farm. BUT when there is emergency in the family, even just a little amount from her own pocket she can’t spare to her family or heard a lot of “not so good words” from the husband “foreigner”.

    –
    Everyone has different experience. it just happened mine is like this.
    still a WyfLoyal

  39. Being Dominican by blood (both of my parents come from the Dominican Republic), but born and raised in New York city, I was raised under a traditional family value system very similar to that of the Philippines. Family support, whether financial or otherwise, being a main ingredient of the culture. An extended family member recently had a bad motorcyle accident and require major surgery to save a leg. A cousin of mine took in upon himself to ask the family members far and wide for help. Thanks to everyone’s donations, big and small, the extended family member got the surgery that saved his leg.

    One of the main reasons i want to move to the Philippines. Allot of things there remind me of life in the Dominican Republic.

  40. Hi

    I am married to an american who is 19 years older than me. It was never because of money as I have a good job working in the government even before I met him. Though we never had the chance to really live together other than for more than a month or less a year (as he works in the US), I have noticed that he has ways or attitude that are quite irritating. He loves to send us gifts but when he gets mad he take it against me. He loves to brag to other people about how much he pays for this and that or whatever when in fact I would always tell him not to send other than what we just need. My family never asked money from him since all of my siblings have good jobs (in fact I would consider my family to be even more wealthier than him!). I told him many times that I want to end our relationship already. Said it nicely to him like even if we may not live together, I can still be his friend. But he wouldn’t accept it. I’ve been mean and rude to him but he wouldn’t let go. He would always threaten me with things like I would rather just die…or no matter what I’ll keep supporting you). He would find things to make you feel guilty..talk to people who knows me that I am like this or like that but WON’T LET GO? He would even talk to my bosses or clients about his problem with me (looking for sympathy) when they shouldn’t be dragged anymore to our personal issues. They don’t even know him. He is totally obsessed which is beginning to become creepy. I told him with his pension he can stay here in the Philippines, get himself a fully furnished condo and live comfortably. With his money he can always find himself a much younger woman so why wouldn’t he let me go. Whenever he would take a vacation here, he would always walk around and then I would just learn that he was with people drinking whom I do not even know.

    So i guess, before marrying someone, it is always best to know the person real well. Not sure bout what to do for now but I am determined to end it with him for good. I am thinking bout leaving or going someplace where he couldn’t reach me anymore. He has no reason to worry bout what he had spent since I am willing to leave everything (properties or possessions we have earned for years) so long as I have peace of mind. (and just to make it clear I am not into any relationship with anyone).

    Thanks. Would appreciate any advice.

    • I am not really certain what advice to offer you, it does sound like a tough situation. I guess you either must try to reconcile the situation or move on.

      Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.