Over the past few weeks I have been writing about my process of acculturation in the Philippines. I’ve lived here for 12 years already and I feel that I am nearly fully adjusted to the culture here, and to the daily ups and downs of living here. One thing that I usually get a little chuckle out of is when somebody first moves here, or when they are getting ready to move here, and they tell me that there really is not much adjustment to make, they already love it here, and really have no adjustments to make. I’m sorry, my friends, but it simply is not the case.
A lot of these same people come back to me in a few years and say something like, “Bob, after living here a while, I found that you are right, there are a lot of things to get used to here.” or something along those lines. I’m telling you, I love living the Philippines. I love the Filipino people. I have no desire to go back to the States, or anywhere else for that matter. But, I needed to adjust to a lot of things here, and I know that you will too. Some things I have not adjusted to, and on many of those things, I have just decided to accept that I won’t make those adjustments. No problem with that, to be honest.
I don’t know why it is, but I know a number of people whom I have known to be nice people, calm, relaxed and such, and then they move to the Philippines and seemingly lose all control of themselves. Frankly, not only do I “know some people” like that, I have done it myself. Nearly ever foreigner that I know who moves here does it.
Back when I lived in GenSan, from 2000 until 2002, I met a fellow from California. Super nice guy! Always very friendly. I met him on his first trip to the Philippines. He liked it here so much that he started visiting about every 2 to 3 months or so. He would stay for a couple of weeks, go home to take care of his business for a month or two, and come back for another vacation. Every time he came to town, we would get together, and I truly enjoyed his company. After a year or so of these types of visits, he decided to sell his business in the States, and he moved permanently to the Philippines! I was quite happy that I would have a new friend who would be living here like I did.
When he first moved here permanently, I took him around town to take care of some things he needed to take care of. After finishing up our errands, I asked him if he wanted to stop and eat lunch, which he was happy to do. When we got to the restaurant, he ordered some kind of drink, I don’t recall what it was. The restaurant was “out of stock” on that type of drink, which is quite common here. My friend blew up. He went ballistic. I don’t know for sure why he did, but I was sitting there at the table absolutely as embarrassed as I could be. We were at one of my favorite restaurants, a place where I went often, and I was well known there. Suddenly my lunch guest was running around the place yelling at people, just going absolutely berserk. I didn’t know what I could do, but it took a long time before I went back to that restaurant again, I was just too embarrassed to show my face there again.
While this friend’s outburst at the restaurant was probably the worst that I’ve seen here, the truth is that such behavior, played a bit less angrily, is something that I have seen from many expats here, newcomers mostly. I used to be like that too, and I am not proud of it. What I am proud of is that I have overcome this kind of behavior, at least for the most part. From time to time, I will get frustrated and get angry about something, but in a much calmer way than I used to. And, getting angry at all is a pretty rare thing now. Why? I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, and if you want to live in the Philippines, you’ll have to learn that too, or you won’t be very happy living here, because the truth is that there are tons of those small annoyances. Not a day will go by that you won’t be challenged with some kind of hassle. The question is, how will you deal with it.
In my case, there are a couple of reasons why I have been able to overcome this kind of anger issue. First, learning the language helps a lot, because you can often more easily understand why there is a problem. Secondly, in my case, because I have become fairly well known through this blog and my other blogs, if I do blow up in public like I often see from other expats, I may well see a video of the event on YouTube! Ha ha… that is something I certainly would not want to see! So, I think that I have become pretty successful at controlling my anger at the thousands of little annoyances that are so common in the Philippines.
Other small stuff comes to mind too, stuff that is not so much an annoyance, but simple things that are uncomfortable.
The other day I was out walking around my neighborhood. I came to a street corner, and there was an absolutely terrible smell. This is so common in the Philippines, a lot of stuff here stinks. It used to be something that bothered me, but now, well, I just walk past and it’s not really an issue. Go to the public market and you will certainly encounter a lot of stinky stuff. Bulad (dried fish) and other such things. Well, I don’t like the smell, but I can control my disgust and not have a big issue with it. Some bad smells I have actually come to like! Everybody says that durian smells bad. I used to think it had a terrible smell. Now, though, I like the smell, even enjoy smelling durian. I guess it’s a matter of having lived here for a long time, and also the fact that I eat durian and have become accustomed to the smell. In fact, I don’t even call it a smell or an odor anymore, I prefer to call it the fragrance or bouquet of the durian! Ha ha.
Perhaps one of the reasons that we see so many other expats who blow up in anger is because of the fact that there are so many little annoyances here that when a big problem pops up, it is just the final straw and the anger is released. I can’t really say for sure why it is that so many foreigners here have anger management problems, but I am guessing that it is the “straw that broke the camel’s back” syndrome that we are dealing with. What I do know is that I am glad that this is not a big problem for me anymore. And, I’m telling those of you who have a desire to live here… try to get this part of your life in the Philippines out of the way as quickly as you can. When you are able to do that, you will enjoy life a lot more in the Philippines, I can guarantee you that.
Yeah, don’t sweat the small stuff, wherever you live, and certainly not the things you cannot change! I have a very good friend in China that acts like this fellow in the restaurant. He is the nicest guy, but demands perfection when dining, yelling at the servers who do not even get tips in China. Some people are just like that I guess.
And about smells, most things we can get over. Like here in Wisconsin, I am complete unaware of the cow s**t smell around me. But mink ranches-we are the largest producer of mink-have a really horrible smell, and I live by one! I will never get used to that, but I do not complain to the rancher, he was there first…
Hi John – Thanks for sharing your thoughts! You know, when I was with that fellow in the restaurant, I just about died from being so embarrassed, and all because they were out of stock on the drink he wanted. It’s such a common thing here, you just have to accept it.
I didn’t know about the mink ranches.. I’ll try to avoid those! 😆
Bob;
No adjustments to make! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. I also have been here a very long time and will freely admit that I re-adjust all the time while living here, for something new will always pop up. One of the great things about living here is your mental acuity is tested over and over again. Were it any other way it would become boring! Great read sir!
Hi Paul – I know, I get a chuckle from that too, but I hear it all the time from people who are “getting ready to move here.” I never hear it from the people who have been living here, though. 😆
Glad you enjoyed the article!
Bob , this is something that I WILL have to work at.
Sometimes I can work myself up into a frenzy over petty crap that I cannot control.
Yout story of your new found friend reminds me of Michael Douglas in the movie “Falling Down” when he snaps.
Hi Neil – Yep, the Michael Douglas character comes pretty close to what I experienced with that fellow. Certainly way overboard for a drink, I must say!
Bob, as we all here know, there is a difference in having holidays here and actually living here.
My wife and I sent some 40 years holidaying in quite a few countries. Turkey was our favourite.
We found the lifestyle in Thailand and Burma comfortable. Bhuddism has a lot to do with it.
The thing that many visiting folk have a problem here with, (as an example) is the difference in customer service.
Ordering food from a menu with 20 choices, and being told “not available” , so you make another choice, they come back with the same reply. So you have to say “what IS available” and after a while find out only 2 items ARE.
The drink you order, (often not what you want from the list) comes at the same time as the food.
We have found the temperature and humidity (normally above 80%) dulls the brain somewhat.
We came the conclusion that is why there are so many ‘Dolly Daydreams’ and ‘Dopey Daniels’ about.
But WE have adjusted our lives to deal with it, I have heard visitors complain “why don’t they learn OUR ways of doing things”
Clock time and Philippino time is another frustration!
We have a friend preparing to move here. We have to teach him what’s what.
The difference between us is, we are a foreign couple, he will have a Philippino lady.
We have found there is a difference in how we are treated, compared to mixed couples.
We made a point of showing people we are comfortable with ourselves here, and are approachable. But we’re not stupid, aggressive, rude, or disrespectful.
There are times we are annoyed or frustrated, but at the end of the day we can laugh it off (in the privacy of our home) ha ha.
Hi James – Yes, there are lots of little things that all add up and create anxiety and frustration. Ordering from a menu where nothing is available is certainly one of those things.
I don’t mind the temperature or humidity here, in fact I like both and find it comfortable now, although it took adjustment, no doubt.
The time situation has improved a lot over the years (Filipino time thing), and is not a huge issue to me anymore.
Overall, I really like living here, and don’t have any plans to move! I’m glad you are able to laugh off the small stuff! It’s a good way to go.
Bob:
When I worked with MICAD Marine, I was unfortunate enough that my boss would occasionally travel with me on business trips. Extremely wealthy, opinionated as hell, and not used to being told “no”. The advantage when I was with him? He insisted on 5-star hotels (Hyatt or equivalent).
I used to dread those trips, though. Outbursts like you wrote above in nearly every meal or hotel. Loud, and very obnoxious. I always wanted to crawl away when he did it… As an employee, I was limited in what I could say, if I wanted to keep working. I finally strategically ended him wanting to come along. The last couple of trips to the developing world I made certain were to very remote areas in Indonesia and China. Let’s just say after a few aneurisms, he was less willing to tag along in the future.
Hi John – That incident that I experienced with the guy in the restaurant was terrible, the only thing I can think of that would make it worse is if he were my boss! I sympathize with you!
Gee, I must be different, nothing really bothers me at all, my wife sometimes gets on my nerves, like when I get ready to go somewhere she will make me change my clothes because she doesn’t like what I am wearing hahaha I do it, because in my mind she is just trying to be good and nice and showing care for me, so i let it go.. But it bugs me some… not always now.. though… I am getting used to it.. otherwise I have adapted really good here..Overall it has ben a pleasant experience.. I don’t like the smell of dried fish though…hahahahaha
Ha ha.. it does seem you are doing good, Lenny. If I remember correctly, don’t you live in Manila? Perhaps there are fewer annoyances in the big city?
I just want to get more information on moving to the phillipines and how much it will take to live there. I am a retired servicemenber and will be living on retirement and social security when applicable. what are my steps can anyone give a little bit of advice?
Hi Don – Oh boy… here we go again! 😉 Not trying to be mean or anything, but we have been discussing the “how much does it take to live there” thing lately. There really is no answer to that question, to be honest, because we all live different lifestyles. Also, it depends on where in the Philippines you want to live. For example, living in Manila may cost triple what it costs to live out in the rural province. But, in that rural area there are few conveniences, and life can be hard. So, how much just depends on you. I generally advise that you should probably have an income of $1500 to $2000 to have a comfortable life here. I know people who live here on a fraction of that, but they don’t live a lifestyle that I would enjoy.
As for advice about living here, this website has nearly 3,000 articles to read, and each of the articles is advice that you would benefit from.
Don, just as Bob says below, you can live comfortably on a SS check in the RP. But make sure it is the right place for you. Central and South America can provide a similar quality of life, but much closer. Take some extended vacations and dive into the local scene. See what feels right.
Hey Bob,
Yeah, I already got the resturant thing down. Whats on the menu is not always there, And nobody knows how to make a good steak.
I know a couple of places that have a good steak, Hudson, but generally you are correct!
New habits, ways are hard to adjust to. I’m what you would call a balikbayan. Even thought I know the Philippine culture enough, I still get caught in that realm. Back in 2009 when I visited Philippines, I blew a gasket on a travel agent because of the lack of service she provided. But it wasn’t just that. I am used to waiting in line and be called upon to be served next, as she was serving another customer. Once that customer got up the sit, another lady came from the outside and sat straight away on that chair and I contested it and she tells me she was waiting for a long time… er….. righto… as if…. so I let that one go.. but then when I was served, the travel agent seem that she would rather talk to her colleague than serve me! I was trying to purchase a ticket for Davao.. I got so mad that I got up and left and ordered the ticket online….. my missus was mad too! She told me, honey.. this is Philippines not Australia! hahahaha..
Just last year, it was similar, but because my missus kept reminding me it was Philippines I was more tolerant….she didn’t want a repeat of what happened in 2009….
Hi Jojie – Ha ha… good story! Believe it or not, I honestly think that it is harder for an OFW to accept the culture here, even though the know the culture and are from here. I know that it was very, very difficult for Feyma to adjust to living here after having been in the USA for 10 years. She had a very hard time adjusting to the cultural norms here. At least as hard as my adjustment, and perhaps even harder!
So, one question. What happened to the friend in Gensan? Did he stay, or realise he couldn’t hack it?
🙂
Hi Jim – I have lost touch with him, although I know for sure that he stayed for 5 years or so. He may still be here, I’m not certain. He did calm down, though, at least to some extent!
Nice article Bob…
Well I’ve been here a year and a half now, full time. I do think there are many adjustments to make here, compared to just visiting. The list is long and I won’t go into detail about what they are, but being patient can go a long way to making your day go smoother.
I would say for myself that the first 9-12 months I had a couple “bad days”, but as time has gone on those days are far apart. After a while you just kinda expect the normal to be not so normal here. I think every one will be different on the adjustment of living here. Don’t sweat the small stuff and you will be fine.
Thanks Greg. When you start noticing your bad days becoming fewer and more far between, you know your succeeding! Congratulations on that, my friend!
Thanks again Bob. I can completely relate to this. I have been there before also and have also slowly reformed myself as well. Almost every other foreigner I saw here became afflicted with this kind of “mental disease” of always complaining and losing the plot. It’s a good topic for you to talk about. Often what happens is that the foreigner gets all frustrated with one thing leading to another, but then this is also combined with the Pilipino attitude of being in a way subservient, shy of the foreigners and relating in an indirect way. So what we see from time to time is foreigners getting mad about something and then looking for some kind of explanation which never really comes and THEN taking it all out on the local Pilipino because (1) they know they can get away with it and (2) they have lost all self-control due to frustration . It’s a destructive cycle. Sure there are times when something totally frustrating happens and you may have every right to get mad but you have to handle it and keep your head. You may be able to take it out on a poor man who was not even at fault and abuse him and he will probably just take it (like your friend shouting at the staff in the restaurant just taking it out on everyone in sight). But obviously this is insane and just plain weak behavior… I don’t know how I reformed myself but it came over time. It’s harder if you have a business here I think. The way I look at it is that there is good and bad in all places. Sure things will happen that frustrate you but that can happen in any place. Look to be humble, virtuous and patient. Look also at what the average man in the Philippines has to endure on a day by day basis and think “could I handle that and still have a smile on my face ”? How would the people in our home country behave if they had to endure such hardship on a day by day basis? I think many of them would behave like cannibals.. really.. there are all kinds of ways to look at it.
Hi Simon – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. You are right, I fully agree… it is a destructive cycle. And, the truth is, the Filipinos end up just laughing it off, the foreigner is the one who is being destroyed with the anguish. Much better for your own health if you can learn to just not sweat the small stuff, and blow it off.
In the past, I always found that when I blew my cool and got angry, I always regretted it. I always felt stupid about it. Like, I knew that it would not benefit me, but just didn’t consider that until later, and felt very bad about it.
This a good topic Bob! So many foreigners here would be able to relate to it. I guess it’s an opportunity in a way to develop ourselves into better people – composure, self-control, compassion etc.
Thanks Simon! Yes, I believe that moving to another country gives us many opportunities to make ourselves better people! Just being in a new atmosphere, we can really re-evaluate our lives and make the changes we need to improve!
Hi Bob,
You have given the answer to all the problems that people experience down there – learn the language! Even a “please and thank you” go a long way. And you are right also – learn the “local” dialect if you are planning on staying in one place. It will make life so much easier. So now where do I find an Ilocano teacher? 🙂
Hi John – I do believe that learning the language is the key to a lot of problems and inconveniences that a person encounters here or in most any foreign country. Knowing the language, even a bit as you point out, opens many doors!
I have found that there are a lot of websites where you can connect with people who will teach you any language (even Ilocano) via Skype! It’s not very expensive either.
Great topic Bob. I spend a lot of time contemplating what makes people “tick”.
Are military veterans more tolerant ? I know there wasn’t much on the menu when I was in for a short 4 years back in the early 60’s. Is it our up-bringing that makes a difference ? Are well-to-do folks less tolerant than less fortunate people ? Are we more tolerant as we get older ?
Personally I think there are as many variables as there are stars in the sky.
I have a friend (American) over on this island that keeps saying I am the most laid back foreigner he has met yet. When he says this I just think to myself “wow, I sure don’t want to meet your other friends”. I can guarantee you I have my days and my moments like most folks. Maybe I just don’t say it or show it. The other day we were talking about “moving”. Nowhere in particular just talk. He moved 9 times while he was in the military and is now retired. He thinks that is a lot. I counted without giving it much thought and came up with 26 times that I have moved. No particular reason, just job moves, or to a quieter area, and so on. To me that is a lot. But along the way I lived in many different States, towns and areas, all in the U.S. by the way, except for soon to be 3 times here. I do know that each town or area had its own idiosyncrasies and if you wanted to get along “you” better adjust. I still have my moments but I keep it between the wife and I. I do know that if I had a friend like you used to have I would move on away from that person quickly. Life is too short. If one dooes not like their current situation, life, or where you live, then move on.
Anyhow rude is rude I don’t care what country you are in, or how much money one has, or how important they “think” they are. John M’s ex-boss sounds like a prime example of what I am talking about.
Are we going to change these rude, inconsiderate slobs ? I doubt it. But as someone once said ” One never knows , do one ? ”
Have a great day,
Life is what it is, or what you make it, then you die. Simple isn’t it. lol
Hi Charlie – Thanks, I’m glad that you enjoy the topic. I think it is good for all of us to re-examine our behavior, think about our actions and such from time to time. I like to evaluate myself and find areas where I can improve.
I have moved around a lot in my life, but not nearly as many times as you have! I have now lived in Davao for longer than any other place that I have ever lived!
I think you have the right attitude, Charlie!
bob,
how true! as the saying goes, “don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill”!
expats should “man-up” more when facing small stuff!
bob, middle east is a lot worst than the philippines and just imagine the attitude of the western people here, a hundred times worst! hahaha. believe me you, there’s one big western company here and they do have a dedicated complaint department for their employees, they can complain anything, they can even complain how a camel take a crap. hahaha
Hi dans – nice to hear from you. I have not been to the Middle East before, but I do hear stories. My one question is, though, if you go complain about the way the camel craps, do they do anything to change it? ha ha 😉
bob,
hahaha exactly the point!, the complaint department will not do anything, they are just there to take the complaint and all BS from their employees, i guess just to satisfy the employee’s “habit” of complaining. hahahaha
Ha ha… I guess it lets them get the anger off their chest without berating others! 😆
Hi Bob,
I must admit I have blown up a couple of times in the Philippines. I have visited for the past 4 or 5 years, and just got back…no blow ups this trip.
My second time there I really blew up in the Airport conecting from Manila to Laoag when they just kept nickel and dimming me to death over my luggage, both my check in luggage and my small carry on. I just was not in a good mood at the time after spending close to 25 hours travelling.
The other 2 times were over accepting Visa credit cards. In the private hospital there were large Visa banners inside and out about 8′ X 4′ , then after the girl friends father spent 3 nights there and was told they don’t accept Visa, I blew up and suddenly out came the Visa terminal and they ran my credit card.
The last time was last year at CSI Shopping Centre where I used Visa on a regular basis paying for electronics, groceries, and a fridge that day. I returned to purchase clothing for the relatives children and was told the Visa terrminal did not work. I said well lets go to another machine in the electronics or grocery section and they refused. I lost it asked for a manager and all of a sudden that brocken terminal worked fine.
I have gotten use to the alot of things in the Philippines, and always try to keep my cool these days, thinking before reacting now.
Hi Mike – Ha ha.. I hear you! Been there, done that! The thing, though, is that you will experience so much more inconvenience when you are living here, compared to just visiting!
Don’t forget that when you use Visa, Visa gets a cut. The business gets less. Businesses here accept it as a cost of doing business, but they would rather you paid cash or Interact.
True, Allan, always something to consider.
Bob,
I served in the US Air Force for 20 some years. During that time, I had the pleasure of living in England for three year. Now you would think that there were be no adjustments to make — c’mon, surely life in England can’t be much different than life in the US! We speak the same language, have the essentially the same heritage (most of my ancestors are from the UK). Sure, they talk “funny” — and the drive on the wrong side of the road, but . . . surely this should be a simple “adjustment”!
Oh contraire!!! Even until the very end of my stay there, I realized that there were still many things that I had not adjusted too. I lived “on the economy”, which forced me to deal with daily life in the UK (compared to those who lived on the base). I will always cherish my time in England — I met some wonderful people and have many wonderful memories — including the challenge of learning to live in a different culture. I’m looking forward to my visit to the Philippines next month — and I’ll try to “keep my cool” with the little things.
One thing that you’ve not discussed, Bob, is what happens when you return home after living abroad . . . that’s a whole discussion unto itself!
Hi ScottB – Yep, it does not surprise me a bit. I believe no matter where you move, there are adjustments to make, even from State to State (although less big changes).
I will never write about what happens when you return home… because I am home now, and will never go back to the States! 😉
Bob, I’m sure the you’re well entrenched in the Philippines and have no intention on returning to the US. But if you ever make a visit back to the States, even if for only a few weeks, you might be surprised at the “reverse culture shock” — it can be quite an interesting experience!
Oh, I absolutely believe that. I have even talked to Feyma about what it would be like to go back to the States. What I am saying, though, is that I can’t imagine anything that would ever bring me back to the States, even for a week visit! 😆
Even as just a visitor, I have found many of the articles here on LIP such as this one to be very helpful in keeping my cool. A few times when I got the ” No Stock ” routine, it reminded me of things I had read here on LIP. Similar with a few other ” situations “. This made it easy at times to laugh things off instead of getting bent out of shape.
One from a couple of years ago, I went with a group of friends to a restaurant for dinner, I knew in advance I’d be the one paying for it but in comparison the cost of a dinner there can be more than reasonable. I see one of my friends handing back a plate full of uneaten food to the waiter, I asked if ther was a problem and I never did find out while we were there. About an hour later I found out it was a 1500 PHP Dinner, that had been refused because the person that ordered it thought it was something other than what he ordered. The dinner was bagged and my friends took it home, presumeably to use for dog food. In my mind thats a $35 USD Dinner, I don’t spend that much on a dinner for myself. I was starting to get a bit steamed. Was it the restaurant trying to pull a fast one because Kano was paying for it ? Was it the person that ordered it ? Two hours later one of my friends was still with me and I said ” I want to go back to that restaurant and speak with the owner /manager. ” My friend knew I was steamed and we grabbed a Trisikad and went about a mile up the street to the restaurant. I think my friend that was with me would feel very embarassed if I lost my cool with the restaurant owner. I really just wanted to find out what actually happened.
I knew better than to start raising my voice, shouting and carrying on because that would not get me what I wanted to know. As steamed as I was, as I entered the restaurant I changed gears and was as cool calm and collected as I could be. Upon meeting the owner and shaking hands I asked what happened. The person ordered ” Imported Austrailian Beef “. I already knew ( from reading here in LIP ) just about anything Imported in The Philippines is going to cost you dearly. In my mind that justified the price. Why was it refused ? The person that ordered it is of a religion ( a non-muslim one ) that does not eat pork, and to him it tasted like pork so he thought it was pork even though the waiter tried to explain that it was not pork. The owner then advised me he does not offer any pork at all or even have it on the premesis as he has many muslim customers. OK, that sounded believable to me and I don’t think the restaurant owner would lie about anything like that. I explained that I was not upset with him or the restaurant, that I just had difficulty understanding what happened in the refusal of a 1500 Peso ( in my mind $35 ) Dinner.
I shook hands with the owner, we both smiled, I thanked him for his time and the explanation and that was that. If I had gone in there with a flaring temper and made a real scene out of it, it would have been me looking like an idiot in front of the locals which is something I would never want to do.
I value every day of my visits to The Philippines and I conclude, why have an entire day or night wrecked if a polite inquirey or discussion will remedy the situation instead of escallate it, and having it go around and around in my mind.
A lot of valuable lessons can be learned on this website so you can recognise some of these situations that may seem unique to us foreigners before they get blown out of proportion and become a source of embarassment, or sometimes even worse.
Hi Bob – Interesting incident! Wow, P1500 for a single dinner, that is a very expensive meal here! In Manila you can find meals like that, and a few places in Davao too, but in general it would be very difficult to find a single dinner that would be that price! I think you handled it well.
Bob,
So would you say you have become more patient, better at hiding your impatience , or both. I find as soon as I slow down and develop a spirit of acceptance , I really enjoy myself.
Hi Bill – I would say it’s both, a combination of the two.
Good Article. Something to always keep in the back of the mind. “Don’t sweat the small stuff…………….and it’s all small stuff!”
But question for the Guru. Bob, have you noticed a difference perhaps between the long married expats who retire there after years of being married to the Asawa and those who retire and start a “second” life there? Just wondering if the multiple visits and being exposed to the Filipino culture second hand helps in the adjustment.
Hi Scott – To be honest, I don’t think there is a difference. Vacationing here is not really much help in achieving the tranquility that we need to overcome the annoyances. I know that in my case, we had been married for 10 years, and I had been here many times for 3 or 4 week visits, but I still had to make the adjustment to actually living here.
Bob,
I understand what you have to endure living in the Philippines and any third world country you visit. Adjustment is a hard thing to do and accepting the norms and customs of the people. I have lived in America for a long time and I also have to do the same but never acted like what most of you guys in dealing with imperfection. One thing…you can’t act like that here because Americans will not put up with this kind of behavior even if you are right. They will call the security or the police to escort you away from the building. You can’t be saying words that might throw you in jail! Now……I accept that Philippines as a poor country with a very poor customer service. Employees most likely just accept your foul behavior and cursing….they are use to that ”colonial mentality”… therefore you get away with it. There is a lot of inferiority complex on the part of Filipinos that up to now we are trying to overcome. I know that because I was once like that till I learned how to deal with it.Your article made me think hardly the possible rationalization of this type of behavior of foreigners….Don’t you think unconsciously you as a foreigner think that you are better than those ordinary people? You know that they will not retaliate. I am pretty sure that you’ll not do this in front of the president of the Philippines. I hope that you will understand why I wrote this response. This might help us understand why we sometimes lose our cool and almost abusive to our fellow human being. Honestly, I experienced this from time to time during my vacation in the Philippines. I am better as I got older and learn how to go with the flow and understand that Philippines will not change their ways because I am yelling or whatever….I rather calm down and remind myself that I am not in America anymore and I make my brain switch off and divert that energy to something else. Thank you Bob for sharing your experience in dealing with the difficulties in adjustment.
Hi Dine – Frankly, no, I don’t think I am better than the people here, never have felt that way. Frankly, I don’t know why you would accuse me of having such feelings, but I do find it offensive for you to say that. I mean, I have made a big effort to fit into the local culture here. I spend 4 years learning the language and such. If I thought I was better than my neighbors here, why would I work hard to adapt their cultural norms and speak their language?
Are there foreigners who think this way? Certainly. We have seen some of them on this very site. I certainly don’t think that I am one of them, though.
Bob, I’m of the opinion Dine was not personally referring to you as a foreigner thinking you are better than the ordinary people, consciously or unconsciously.
More of a ‘foreigners in general’ referral
I have had the feeling when abroad, that the locals seem to assume I have that attitude of being superior. Probably the fault of previous foreigners who do think they are.
The ‘I am richer than you, therefore I am superior’ nonsense.
You and I, and from what I have seen on this site, most of us are not like that. We could not survive properly if we were.
It is probably the perseption that causes misunderstandings?
Just my take on it. Not wishing to do a “them and us”.
Hi James – It is possible that you are right about Dine’s intention. I thought about that when I read it and tried to decide what she intended, but I came to the conclusion that she was talking about me personally. If I am wrong, I apologize to Dine, but it read that way to me.
I am not sure where the percentages would lie, but there are certainly foreigners here who think that way. I think it’s quite insulting to the local people, and leads to a poor quality of life for the foreigner too. Can you imagine living someplace where you thought you were better than everybody else?
Bob,
I am sorry, I just realized that I had used ” YOU”…..I am referring to some foreigners…never I accuse you of being one because you have really been down to earth kind of guy. Actually most of your contributors are very level headed and humble people. You all made it easier for foreigners to adapt well in our kind of culture. Sorry if I made you feel I was accusing you, in fact you are the opposite of what I described here. Thank you.
Hi Dine – OK, thanks! I was really surprised on that, because I didn’t feel I was that way at all. I’m glad it was just a misinterpretation!
Thanks for explaining!
Yep…probably the best advice I’ve seen here so far. I think you’re straw that broke the camel’s back theory is spot on.
Thank you Aaron. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. 😉
“your”
Hi Bob,
I’ve been reading Lip for about 6 months, and enjoy what you guys have to offer. Very entertaining, insightful & occasionally humorous (keep up the good work)…
I never commented because I feel that who really wants to hear what I have to say…hahaha
I do have to tell you Bob…good article, but that picture of (Ivan) your grandchild! Absolutely adorable picture Bob! It puts a smile on my face every time I keep clicking back to look at again & again.
Perhaps keep that pic in your wallet for when an expat blows up & flash it to them…I bet that would calm them down real quick!!
Keep up the good work & many smiles to all you good people over there in the Philippines.
Hi Dan – Thank you very much for your nice comment, I appreciate it! I hope you will continue to join in the conversation here, we are always happy to hear from the readers!
Ivan is my niece’s son, which here in the Philippine would make him my grandson. By American reasoning, I would be Ivan’s great uncle. But, we’re in the Philippines, so I go by the way the figure relations here! I kinda like having a few grandchildren, although none of my kids have any kids yet! 😆
Thanks again, Dan!
Bob,
My take on this is that westerners are a spoiled lot. Their use to the saying the customer is always right and have it your way. I really think they can’t understand the word NO. It seems to trigger some sort of pre- modonna behavior
n which they can’t handle. So they do what alot of westerners do best they throw a temper tantrum and go after the closest employee. This is sad don’t they realize how silly they look?
There are alot of adjustments to be made in the Philippines for sure but we can do in a more mature way. I believe in two rule ” If you don’t have some nice to say don’t say it” and “Don’t kill the messenger their the low man on the totum pole and don’t need your B.S.”.
I think you are right, Bruce… we are indeed a spoiled lot!
Bob,
Alot of good insight which will help me adjust when i make my big move. The best thing i learned here in the US is just go with the flow and smile about it. You have to follow the culture/laws of the country you are in. We here in the US wouldn’t want someone from another country tell us we have to change. Life is too short to get upset at everything and end up having a heart attack. I want to enjoy retirement. Thanks so much for another great informative article.
Hi PapaDuck – Glad you gleaned some helpful info! I think that if you want to enjoy your life here, the faster you can accept the culture, the happier you will be!
Bob,
I try to fit in best I can while at home. I do not think in all my visits that I have blown up towards anyone. I am with you in finding it insulting to me and anyone else around me when someone shows his tail in public. This is not only in the Philippines but anywhere. I loose any respect for the person that might be doing such a thing. The thing I see a lot is that no one is willing to step in when this happens. Even as Americans we just sit back and watch the situation unfold. I am glad to be where I am at and not have that much interaction with other out-of-control foreigners.
That’s an achievement, Steve, if you have never had one of those “foreigner moments.” Congratulations on that, my friend!
My wife (asawa) and I went to renew our Visa in Davao a few days ago, we were told at 12:30 to come back at 13:30. We had already filled in our application and handed in the required copies and our passports.
So we remained at the window, and decided to stand our ground.
It paid off, despite the 13:00 deadline, we got our Visas at 13:10.
We were respectably dressed (as usual) and polite to all staff (including the female at the entry point).
As we live in remote Davao Oriental, it takes a while to get to Davao. In fact we stop off in Tagum City and get a bus to Davao, driving there is somewhat of an ordeal.
We went to our favourite restaurant afterwards, before going to the SM Mall to see what it was like.
Unfortunately it was like the ones we went to in Manilla, and Bangkok, too noisy for our liking (loud music)
We got a taxi to Ecoland Bus Terminal, and went back to our chosen accommodation in Tagum City.
We did not let it spoil our day, life is too short. Nalingaw kita, da!
We met some chums at the BI who are from our vicinity, so that made their day more pleasant as well.
Perhaps we’ll meet up another day Bob?
Komusta kaninyong tanan.
James
Hi Bob
OBviously you have a great last name !
I understand your points and it is quite true , i have been to 43 counties , Philippines is 1 of my last ones i visited , so glad that i did, after been in China , Mongolia , Philippines is a Breeze . Been there many times as i lived there with my Wife ( where the earthquakes are happening) I ate and drank what they did .
No hassles , whatsoever , there are always millions of people worse off than yourself , ourselves. Westerners can learn alot from Asian cultures and visa versa. The amount of food wasted in the US can feed all the undernourished starving people of the world. People are just too fussy . Many locals were surprised what i ate and where i slept , Life should be full of experiences and learn to adapt . My Mum says “thats nothing”.!
Hi Alden – Glad that hear that you have been able to adjust well. Probably your extensive foreign travel prior to the Philippines made it happen!
Hi James – From the sounds of it, everything went smooth at Immigration for you. Regarding SM, pretty much all SM’s are the same, I’d say, so not surprising!
Things you will rapidly learn about living in the Philippines.
Island time= stated time plus 30 minutes
A menu is simply a suggestion of what might be available (songs have been written about this)
To buy a hammer at a mall requires 3 signatures and an escort to the parking lot.
If you really want to live here in the islands and be accepted, dress like a local, don’t flaunt your money, and learn to love Ginebra.
William, I would tend to agree you on most points but really do you have to dress like the locals? I guess it depends who you mix with, the winners or the losers. A little respect goes a long way in the Philippines. Filipinos don’t like to be insulted in front of their friends or co-workers.If one has a major rant at staff in a restaurant I am told there is a pretty good chance someone will spit in your food. It won’t be noticed among the sauce on your dish lol. If one is not satisfied with the food or service tell your friends and don’t go back.
I am moving to Bohol in a few months. I can’t believe people there are getting so upset about simple stuff like a restaurant being out of something. HELLO – just order something else !! I am a laid back Aquarian so maybe I have a better outlook than some people. I have been looking into the Philippines for over a year. 2 Philippine women at work think I will have a wonderful life there. They know I am a nice guy. I am even tempered. I have lived in several large cities in my native Texas. There have been times of disappoint but I have dealt with it in a non violent manner. My only fear is finding a woman I can trust to want me for me and not my limited stash. I am so thankful to Bob and his books and advise. I so look forward to meeting him when I get there and personally thanking him for taking the anxiety out of my life changing move. I am so excited about my new life experience coming up.
Thank you for your nice comments, John. Good luck with your move!