For Americans, and I dare say, for people from most every Western Country, we really are not used to having full time maids, or for that matter, we are not used to having maids at all.
Maybe 50 years ago, having a maid in the house was a little more common than it is today, although even at that time it was somewhat rare. When I was young, and still living with my parents, I remember one time when we had a maid. It was a time when my mother was sick, she had recently undergone some rather serious surgery, and because she was still recovering, my Dad arranged for a maid to come in around 3 days per week or so, to help keep up with the household chores. But, that only lasted for a month or two, then it was back to normal.
Because of the fact that most of us expats really have little experience in dealing with a maid, I believe we are not very good at it. I know that I had to learn a lot about having a maid when we moved here, and it took me a few years.
One thing that I hear from a lot of expats, especially newly arrived expats, when they talk about their maid is this:
“We treat her just like a member of the family…”
Well, my friends, that can be a bit of a problem. Why? Well, she really is not part of the family.
When we moved here, I also really believed in that too. Treat her just like we treat the family! But, I’ve learned a lot since then.
Some of the things that I hear from other expats is that they take the maid out with them when they go out and eat at a restaurant. They take her to the mall for a nice day. They take her to the movies. I know one expat who has his maid give him massages (this particular one, I feel is very dangerous and could lead to charges of him making sexual advances toward her). Sure, many of these are things that you wouldn’t think twice about doing with the family (not the massage, perhaps).
But, it’s important to remember… she is the maid, she is not family.
When we moved here, we did a lot of this kind of thing with the maid too. Over the years, though, I have had several experiences where we treated the maid as family, and over time the maid came to feel herself that she was family. She didn’t want to do the duties of a maid, because she was already family, after all!
Let me put it like this… in general, treating a maid as family just doesn’t tend to work.
Now, don’t take me wrong, I do not believe in mis-treating a maid. I believe that a maid should be treated in a humane way, in a friendly way, with respect, and certainly not as a slave. In our family, with maids, we still do treat them better than most local people do. As an example, we usually pay a bit more than the local average wages for a maid. In addition, for a live in maid, we also pay for her personal needs, things like deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, that kind of thing. Most local people do not pay for this stuff, it comes from the maid’s salary.
We treat our maids in a friendly way too. We are kind to them. We feed them well. But, they don’t get the same things that family gets. I am sorry, but from what I have experienced, this is how it should be.
But, why, Bob? Why shouldn’t I treat my maid just the same way I would treat a daughter?
Well, my experience is that if you do that, she will come to expect more and more. She will also lose some respect for you as well. Why? I don’t know, but I do know that I have seen it happen many times.
So, my advice to you is that if you want to have a maid in your home, treat her well. Pay her fairly. Be nice to her. Give her adequate food. But, remember… she is not family.
Hi, Bob- Back in the 50s, Mom used to hire maids from an agency in Manila. We had to have maids as we were a big family, and they pretty much took care of all the household chores like cooking, doing the laundry, ironing school uniforms, going to the palengke, cleaning the house and such. Hiring from the agency back then was a hit and miss proposition because you really don't know what kind of a person they are until they start working for you. Back in those days, I don't think there were such things as interviewing the maid before you hired them from the agency. They were mostly young, some in pre-teens, and many were from the Visayas region.
Some turned out to be industrious and very loyal. A few were very lazy. One or two left the family without permission a few days after being hired, never heard from again. In all cases, they were all treated well, but not to the point where they were considered part of the family, except for one.
Luz was special from the moment she arrived in our Manila home from the agency. She was from the Visayas. She was hired when she was about 13 and stayed with the family until she got married in her twenties. Considered a part of the family, Mom married her off to a farmer from Salaza. More than 50 years later, Luz and her family still maintain a home in Salaza and considered herself a part of the Reyes family.
Luz would be among the first people among our relatives to
Exactly, Bob. I am just recollecting the good old days when things were a lot less complicated, and thankful for LiP for allowing me to verbalize those wonderful memories of yesteryears. 🙂
Hi Bob – Third time's a charm? Don't know but might be. We've employed Maid #3 a week ago, and wow! what a difference! It is hard keeping the professional status of the job – she's so good (so far) that we'd want to do more for her. I draw the limits at a fair bonus for excellent work. If she accompanies us to town, market or wherever, it's purely for providing "a little muscle" with the bags, the haggling, etc.
The first was so-so, and left to be married. The second was "in over her head" and let us know we "wouldn't be seeing here for a little while."
This latest employee keeps things spotless and sparkling (and is "easier" on the eyes 🙂 ). 2-way probationary period continues; I'm more than satisfied with the work. Hope this maid works out!
(Yes, we think she'll have earned a bonus with her first payday – will make sure she understands why she gets it and that it's not automatic!)
Hi Paul – I'm glad you found somebody who is working out for you. Be very careful, though about that bonus. In my opinion, that is a big mistake. No matter what you tell the girl, it will be expected in the future, and when it is not given you will be resented. You and she agreed on a price, that is what you should pay her, IMHO. Of course, it is your choice, no doubt on that, but in my experience, it will do more harm than good. I believe that by giving the bonus, it will actually cause you to lose her services sooner. I know that to our minds that does not make sense, but I've seen it happen and know how it works.
Good luck to you!
Hi Bob,
I feel a way of putting this into context for westerner's is,"would you treat an employee in the west as one of the family".
At the end of the day a maid is an employee not family.
regards Chas.
Hi chasdv – Yep, no doubt about it. I think this is hard for some people because when somebody lives with you, it tends to grow a deeper bond than somebody who just comes to the house for a repair job or something.
Good article, Bob! On the bonus, I totally agree! Save it for Christmas, when the bonus is expected, and then let it be reasonable because as you say, the same or more will be expected next time.
I have to say that many of our maids have become family to us, but that relationship has evolved over the years. Fairness, kindness, respect and loving treatment on our side, and loyalty, trustworthiness and good work on theirs has been the foundation of long-lasting, 'family-like' esteem and friendship. We are like grandparents to many of their children and have been sponsors at many weddings, and at Christmas, many of our extended Filipino family come to visit, even though many live quite far away.
The girls who live with us eat separately and use the outside kitchen (which has a gas stove). We share our food if we have extra, but otherwise, our foods are different. Since we prefer different foods, we are all happy with this arrangement, but I have had a lot of expat friends who insisted their their maids eat with the family, and the maids hated it, feeling very self-conscious and hating the foreign food and manners.
Thanks, Bob – guess I didn't think the "expectations" part through enough. Yes, things are quite different here, and explaining / understanding a "bonus" system may be beyond the abilities of all concerned – ending is bad feelings all around.
Perhaps, with Christmas coming up, it could be disguised as a Christmas-related thing. Don't know. (Maybe I should just settle for adjusting my "Grinch" hat!)
I'll have to "put my thinking cap on" and see what we can come up with that not only shows appreciation for good work, but encourages its continuance and is understood as to why it would happen. If no light bulbs illuminate above the cap, then we'll just let the thought go in passed. 😉
Hi AmericanLola – Good to hear from you today! I talked to Ed on the phone the other day, he sounded like he is doing well.
I agree with you about the maid becoming family after she has been with you long term. In our experience, we have yet to really have anybody stay that long. Maybe a year or a year and a half is the most. Mostly maids only end up staying for a few months, it seems. But, if somebody was with us for 4 or 5 years, something like that, I do believe that the relationship would develop more, and I see nothing wrong with that.
Hi Paul – Take a look at AmericanLola's comment. I believe that she is spot on. Make it a Christmas Bonus (here, they call that a "13th Month Pay") and let that work for both of you. If the girl continues to work out great and is really with you long term, a closer relationship will develop, but it's too early to push that.
That's just my opinion (and I guess AmericanLola's too, since I am referring to her advice), and we all have our own opinions. But, I think that this advice is golden.
Yes, those who have become family lived with us 4-8 years, so that is plenty of time to develop a lot of mutual love and respect.
Bob:
Timely article for us… Maid issues yet again. I think you hit the nail on the head for some of the problems we've been having. I'll make sure Rebecca reads this and we'll do things differtently next go-round.
I had a maid service when I was based in LA… They came in once per week, team of about six or seven women, cleaned the place for one hour (Spotless)… cost was $150 per visit. Pure business transaction. However, I was totally unfamiliar with having live-in help, and have always been self-conscious about the idea, since Rebecca used to work as a maid in the Middle East. She has also had a time adjusting on telling the maid what to do.
In particular, this last go-round, the food issue crept up, as did the bonusing… Not so much from the maid herself, but from her family telling her to "get what she could" from us. I also felt quite self-conscious taking her with us to a restaurant and the check was nearly a week's wages for her… puts us in a tough position for money requests and that scenario will not happen again.
Hi John – Yeah, I know how you feel. When we first came here both Feyma and I had a tough time figuring out exactly how we should handle a maid. I believe that we would all tend to err on the side of generosity. However, that generosity tends to create problems as time passes. Stuff like taking her out to the restaurant with the family can really be a problem. The only thing on that is if you bring Juanito, since he is so young, you might need the maid to come so she can help Rebecca with him. That can be a tough call indeed. But, in my book it is better for both of you if you don't bring the maid on that kind of thing.
Good luck with your next go-round!
Great comments, AL, and kudos to Bob for a very forthright article. You mentioned another part of the equations that many Westerners may not understand. Treating the maid or other employee as ‘part of the family’ is not necessarily a kindness. Like it or not there is a class consciousness here in the Philippines, it is deep seated. It goes back to far beyond Spanish days even.
When you expect a maid to go places with the family and eat at the table with you remember that you may be making her feel very uncomfortable. Treat honest workers in a fair and even kind manner is great, I suggest doing nothing less, but trying to make them a carbon copy of yourself is not necessarily kind.
Three years ago when I first moved here I hired a local guy one day to drive me several places in the morning. This is his trade. he still drives people all hours, day and night. I’ll probably see him in a few minutes when I go to my in-laws house, washing his little car in the street before putting it to bed for the night.
Well at the end of that morning’s driving around, I was hungry. My wife was not at home, so I just instructed Alvin, the driver, to pull into the nearby mall and said come on in and let’s have lunch before we go home.
He told me he didn’t want to but I insisted, feeling I was lucky to have found such a friendly, dependable guy to be my neighbor/temporary driver. And what could be nicer than to take a freind to lunch to show appreciation?
Alvin went in with me and sat in the restaurant with me and ate .. but I definitely sensed he wasn’t enjoying himself. Later I found out through my father-in-law, that Alvin actually suggested to daddy that daddy teach me more about how things work here in the Philippines.
He told my wife’s dad that he had been very uncomfortable going in the restaurant with me, mainly because he was afraid people would think that he was trying to “milk money” out of the kano.
(an aspect to think about when taking the maid along, too. You know, Filipinos know all the stories about crooked Filipinos overcharging foreigners too, and many are too proud to be associated with those sorts of scammers)
Lesson learned. Thanks Alvin and Daddy.
Hi, Bob- In the metropolitan D.C. area, and New York City, for that matter (because of the UN being based there), it's not unusual to see a family of diplomats shopping at places like Costco and dining at family restaurants like Country Buffet, with their Filipina maids tagging along to take care of the little ones.
In restaurants, the maid sits at a separate table with the infant and does not eat. I personally find this a bit disturbing. I should add that the diplomat families doing this are usually Middle Eastern.
My personal feeling is that if you're going to take your maid with you in a restaurant and have her sit there at a separate table without eating, I think that borders on insensitivity.
Hi John – When I said that most Americans don't have maids, or never had maids… I was talking about the average American Joe. People like me. I wasn't really talking about people like diplomats and such. That's a different category all togeteher.
In a situation where you do have a maid, bringing the maid (or yaya) along to help with the kid is also a different thing than I was talking about. I know Americans here who take the maid out for dinner, just so she can enjoy the meal! That's something totally different.
Also, I never said anything about having a maid sit at a different table in the restaurant with no food. I would never suggest that anybody do that.
Hi John – I think you are right. There is some misunderstanding. I did not feel that your comment was a snipe, nor did I feel mine was. I was just pointing out that we were kind of talking about two different things there. No problems…
Hi Paul – I would agree with that. The only downside is that, I believe, each of us will have to go through a number of utter failures, and some heartaches before we find the plan that is right for us. At least I know that I did! 😉
Hi Bob. Our help in Baybay Leyte is family. I really like Luz and I know that she will work hard and be a good companion for Juramie.
I am going to walk a tight rope here with my SO. Juramie went to Manila at age 16 to work as a maid. At the time, her family didn't have the resources to feed the family (This is the tight rope part which I wish I could say more. Hunger is a real issue.) Juramie would send 1/2 of what she earned to her family while working. The family that hired Juramie treated her well during the time.
I prefer to have family or someone we know (family friend) when we retire to Leyte to help with the chores. Since we will know the person, the maid will be mote than an employee.
Hi Bob,
My name is lyn i've been working here in Singapore as a domestic helper(DH) for almost 8 years. My present employer is Russian so far so good… i'm finishing my 2yrs contract in march 2010. While my previous employer are chinese for 6yrs. In my experience i do agree with you its true helper is just a helper and not a family. And i think its right to say part of the family, but there is boundaries when it comes to treat the helper.In my previous employer they treated me like a family i'm so close to everyone. Wherever they go they took me along and introduced to all their friends.And became part of the group. It was a great feeling to know that everyone welcomes me warmly and never look down on me. Most people here look down on us (filipino helper). I'm just lucky i think to had an employer like them, and a blessing from GOD always answer my prayers. For me its depend of the helper of how she manage herself or to put herself in to the right place she belongs. Myself i never forget who i am and what i am here for. I never cross over the line on my work and to my employers.Even though they treated me so well i always remember " i'm just a helper and not a family" I have my own life and family back home and they have their own here, where i'm just a part of their daily lives but not forever. I never take advantage to anyone i paid their kindness by doing well of all my responsibilities with smile on my face, and as long as i can, i'm happy enough to know they are all happy the way iam. I never expect to get more from them as long their respect will remain and i will do the same. And now in my present employer is the same in previous one they treat me well but sometimes a bit stressful they like socializing parties here at home and as a helper i have to wait for them to finish 'till midnight then clean up everything. but its ok as long not everyday (hehehee need to rest too!!!) and one more stressful is about the child. parents no time to their child so i have to be with the child as her guardian and never act as if a mom or more than a mom 'cause im just a helper. And i never expect that the child will choose me over parents nor will love me the way she loves her parents, blood is thicker than water…
Again Bob i'm just a helper not a family to my employers and its good to know the limits and the place where we belong as a helper.NOT all helper take advantage to their employers kindness and NOT all expect to get more from employers. For me the important thing is RESPECT AND HAPPINESS of both. To all helpers out there just do your responsibilities as you can never expect to get more attention or anything from employers. Better to know the boundaries between you and employer.The more we expect the more we get hurt, and the more we become part of them as a family and to be close dearly to everyone is the more it hurts our feeling when time comes to be apart from them. WALANG PERSONNALAN TRABAHO LANG!!! Thank you Bob
LYN
Hi Bob! I have had so many helpers since I had kids. I already have a hiring process and training procedure LOL. I treat my helpers like I treat employees in the workplace. Sometimes, helpers’ faults are due to their employer’s lack of proper and clear instructions and house policies. Like when you see your helper napping while there are still work to be done, that is partly the fault of the employer. Of course, there are helpers who just needs straightening up but most of them just need direction.
On treating them not like they are family, I agree with you 100%.The malling and dining out issue is clear with my helpers. When Cedric comes with us, his nanny comes with us. Otherwise, none of them come with us. After two months, if a helper does not get how I want things done in the house, I have to let the girl go. Luckily, after two months, they know very well how I want things done.
Hi Bob,
About bonus??? hehehhehee in my 6 years of my previous employer i have never get any bonus. whenever my boss will say that he will give me a bonus on christmas i answered "thank you sir and if nothing its ok,you and the whole family kindness is enough for me i'm happy even no bonus. But at first year working wth them yes i do expect to get bonus on christmas. but soon after i didn't expect anything and i learned more to be satisfied of wht i have and of what they give. To be treated well is already a bonus!!!
lyn
Gee Bob – I have so much to learn. I hate to see Meriam work so hard but she doesn't want a maid. For her it is a matter of trust and getting the job done right. Maybe a washing machine and dryer would be better. Dishwasher too? Sigh! Moving to the Philippines is going to be hard. I have to adjust. I have learned a lot on this, thanks to you Bob and all the others for their insight. This has been a major help.
Hi Bob;
You’re so correct about the maid issue. I visit with my friends and watch the maids watching TV, or taking a nap while the house has guests visiting, because they are treated as family. When I visit and I see other Kano’s asking the maid to do this and that (Not the employer, but the guest!) and that I know is just wrong.
My wife has found a good way that works well for us,(notice I said us) her family lives within a 10 minute walk from us, and 3 to 4 days a week one of her sisters and or nieces will come to the house to help with cleaning and laundry, and in the afternoon return home to take care of their own family. They all eat lunch together; eat what they want and how they want. I stay away from the kitchen while they eat so they are comfortable.
Now for the part I don’t understand laundry! We have an American Washer and Dryer. All is washed by hand and the washer is used only to rinse and spin. The dryer is very popular and my wife hangs very little on the line. I have stood there and wanted to point out another way of doing that chore, but I keep my mouth shut and walk away.
Hi lyn – Hey, thanks for reading and leaving a comment here. It sounds like you have an interesting life. Your employer is Russian… so are you living in Russia now, or he lives in Singapore?
I just want to say that I do not agree with looking down on the maid. She should be treated with respect for the work that she does.
Hi Gary – A washer and dryer are somewhat rare here, probably less than 20% of people have a washer and dryer. We do not have either of them. A dishwasher is very rare. If I had to guess, I would say that 1 or 2% of people at the most have a dishwasher here. Again, we don't have one of those either.
Hi Bob,
On a lighter note, i have been informed by my better half there will be no maid.Factoring in that there are only two of us and i have spent many years looking after myself and enjoy cooking,we will share the chores.
While Sheryl pursues her career, i will be part time chief cook and bottle washer LOL.
It brings a new meaning to house husband,but i have insisted on a washing machine or washer women LOL.At least i won't get bored in my retirement LOL.
regards Chas.
Hi Bob,
Factoring in the high cost of electricity there i think a labandera is preferable to a washing machine,also less work for me LOL.
regards Chas.
Hi Cathy – Stellar advice. I can't disagree a bit!
Hi Bob,
My Russian employer is living here in Singapore. My 2yrs contract will due on March. I decided not to continue and wanna go back home there in Philippines in December, so i can spend more time to my family before i have to go to USA to be with my beloved husband. But my employer couldn't find a replacement she did the interview last a couple of months ago. 10 filipinas but she haven't find one that she wants. So my husband and i decided that i have to stay to finish my contract. I pity the child her parents are always busy of their works and friends, i just can't leave without a replacement. I look forward and hope that after March i will be able to come to US to be with my husband. Before i meet my husband I thought i will grow old in this foriegn country, serving and caring other people.And go back home to Philippines visit family every two years, but now no more. Even though i'm happy working here and they treat me as family but it's totally different feeling to be with your real family. Full time maid here is not a easy life, there's a lots of responsibilities but lack of freedom and rights. Serve and care them first before myself. It is great to be treated as a family but not FOREVER… 'cause the truth is i am just a maid and not a FAMILY. It's true that some maids who get treated well by employers they act like a boss a humble maid turns into a superior, more are those high educated filipina who work as a maid here. At first are just like a puppy follows whatever the owner command and then after… puppy turns into a tiger become wild. Take for granted of the employer(not all). It takes two to build a good relationship between maid and employer. If the maid loves her work and not taking for granted of anything she gets, she will be happy and satisfied. I knew and heard about maids and employers who don't have a good relationship. I have to say that i'm lucky and blessed and soo thankful to have this journey and SINGAPORE is a big part of my life. I have learned alot of things and I've found the true meaning of life here. And the best part was the moment of meeting my husband. Your site is one of his favorite he learned lots of things about Philippines and people.(i dont have to teach him hehehe) THANK YOU Bob and all the best!
LYN
Bob,
We had an issue about going out to have fun or having dinner outside. My employer wanted to take me but my answer always "no thank you i'm fine to be alone at home" there was a time she asked me why i don't like to be with them i said " i worked whole day and spent my time to the child and tired every end of the day, its time for all of you to go out as one family. And so i can have my own time for myself even just a couple of hours be at home alone (while waiting them to come home)Sometimes maid needs space.NOW she understood me well whenever they go out for dinner or something she knows my answer! only if they need my service i'll go with them. They're so kind and treat me well as a family but still myself couldn't go further or don't want to be attach deeply with them.Because in any ways i'm just a maid and not a family. I know better myself who i am to this place. Oh yeah there was a moment my employer asked me why i don't like to sit down and have a nice talking with them and friends or have dinner with them. I said "thank you but i'm just a maid i know where i belong". My employer just wanted me to be like the maids of her friends exposed to all people in the end got problem. Resently one of her friend had a problem of the maid. The maid expect to have attention from employer, misunderstood the busy time of her employer she thought her employer doesn't want her anymore. and her employer told my boss that her maid acted like she is important of the family she needs attention, (because thats what she used to)
now still they are not in good term. So its really hard for both if there is expectation.
lyn
A good website Bob ALL THE BEST!!!
I bought one of those washers several years ago, that you put the hose in the top and fill yourself it also has a spin only dryer. Ha ha it has been used on average about once every 3 months since then. The asawa says it doesn't get the clothes clean and cost to much to use…
Dishwasher??? I think I seen one of those in a hotel room, I stayed at (in the states) a while back. I wouldn't have a clue how to operate it if I tried. I just recently learned how to operate that instant hot water thingy in the shower 😀
Hi lyn – Ha ha.. seems you turned it around on your employer! You are dictating the outcome! I like it!
Thank you for your kind comment, lyn.
Excellent advice, here. I wish someone had explained to me the intricacies of having a maid, before I first went to Asia. I grew up with a cook & amah, because my parents were divorced, I lived with my father & he had an engineering firm to run. But that was quite different to having a maid as an adult. When first in Davao, I made the common mistakes – pointed out by Bob & others – of paying too much, being too generous, etc., until the neighbours sorted me out. My wife has arranged for one of her brothers' wives to babysit me when I return, though I'd rather do without, as Bob & Feyma have chosen to do. Not that I plan on getting into trouble, but I'm not keen on having a maid who will spy on me, on my wife's behalf. Someone to do laundry sounds good, but I'd just as soon drive down the road & eat in a local restaurant, as have to explain what I do & do not want to eat and at what times. Of course, I do expect kinilaw with my beer & this is carved in stone.
Many of my wife's Filipina friends in Canada came as maids & I've heard many horror stories of their experiences. I like what Lyn said, "Respect", that's of greater value to the relationship than bonus money, though the 13th month pay bonus is expected.
Excellent article!
Mike
Hi Mike – I'm glad you enjoyed the article. Like you, I wish I had learned about this before I moved to the Philippines! But, like I like to say…. I make all the mistakes so you won't have to! 😆
Hi Bob, I always enjoy reading blogs from foreigners living in the Phils. It's always nice to hear from people like you how you see Philippines in a different perspective. Because for us Filipinos, it hurts that some people see only the negative side of living in the Philippines. Regarding maid issue, me and my sibling grew up in a family that have maids and yayas. It's true that they should know the boundaries between employer and employee relationship, but we always treat our maid and yayas as a family and they know the limitation to that. Just like what Lynne said it's "RESPECT" for both parties.
Hi zel – From your description, I think we are both saying the same thing. You said you treat the maid like family, but they must know the limitation to that. But, with family there really are no limitations…. so, the maid is not treated like family! 😉
Yeah, I think we mean the same thing. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!