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A tough one to answer!

Language Learning, Philippine Culture / by

Back in 1990, when Feyma and I got married, I faced a situation that required a little bit of couthness, hard thinking, and wiggling to get through.  It was a sort of test that was placed in front of me, looking to see what my reaction was.  Thankfully, I think I passed!

When I first came to General Santos City with Feyma, after just a day or so, we went to City Hall and applied for our marriage license.  Just like John Miele mentioned in his most recent post, part of getting married involves the requirement to attend a Family Planning seminar.  If you do not attend this seminar, a license cannot be issued, so of course, we scheduled our seminar time.

When we went to attend the Family Planning seminar, which was held at the City Health Office in General Santos, there were maybe around a dozen couples there for the seminar, but I was the only foreigner there.  The teachers took a quick look at the attendees, and she informed me that since I was the only foreigner attending, she would continue with the seminar in the local language, not in English.  She said that she was quite certain that I already knew about family planning anyway, so she wanted to make sure that the other people had a good understanding of the issue, and by using the local language she could be sure that they understood what she was talking about.  I agreed that I had no problem with this, and I sat there listening (but not understanding) anything said.

After about 10 minutes of sitting there quietly, I noticed that the language suddenly switched to English!  The teacher said:

Mr. Martin, we will have a quiz, and you will be the one to answer.  The question for you is this:  Would you prefer that your wife is good in the kitchen, or good in the bedroom?

Oops!  I was on the spot now.  As I considered this carefully, I realized that no matter how I answered, I could be in trouble!  Oh my, what should I say.

I thought for a minute or so, weighing the various answers and the reaction that I might get.  I was totally new here, and knew nothing about the culture here at that time.  I kept considering.  Then, the right answer came to me, I believe.

I responded:  I would prefer a wife that is good in the bedroom.

Laughter roared in the room.

The teacher followed up:  Why?

My response:  Because, I figure that if my wife is bad in the kitchen, I can always hire a cook.  If my wife is bad in the bedroom, I don’t think it would be right to hire somebody to take care of that!

Ah, I got approval from the teacher on that one!  And, the other students in the seminar seemed to like the answer too!

I must say, it was quite a shock to hear that question, and I advise John Miele to be ready for some sort of trick question like this when he attends the Family Planning seminar in preparation for his wedding.  In a society like the Philippines, it is very important to handle a question like this with a bit of class.  I think that the question was asked specifically to me just to see what a foreigner would say, how he would handle the question, etc.

I’m glad that I got approval from my answer!  It was really an (almost) un-answerable question!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Maayong buntag Bob
    That was a very good answer but you forgot to say that the cook is less expensive.
    😉

  3. kamusta bob
    wow i got a laugh at the question and even more of a laugh at your answer.i have to agree with you on that one my friend.i also have to agree with larry as a cook is more affordable for sure.
    salamat bob 😆

  6. Hi Larry – Ha ha.. the cook is less expensive than the person to fill the bedroom job? Or less expensive than a wife? 😆 I think it is yes to both!

  8. Hi Steven – It took a bit to come up with the answer… but it's one that I have remember for a long, long time now!

  9. Kamusta Bob,

    I just home from work here…and read your article..and I have to say…I was laughing out loud…thanks for that. Ok, that was a very good answer, and very quick on your feet..lol. But, what was Feymas response to your answer after the meeting was over…or did she get a chuckle out of that too??

    Palaam,
    Danny 😆

  10. Hi Danny – Back in those days, Feyma was a very quiet, reserved, even shy person. She has changed a lot since then. Honestly, I think that when I gave that answer, Feyma's skin turned from a beautiful bronze color to a bright shade of red! She laughs about it now, though. 😆

  11. Ven and I had to go through the same rigamarole before our wedding. I remember the teacher asked me the same thing and my answer was similar… rather than hiring a cook I said I was already a good cook. The Pre-Cana seminar was the worst, 2 days of Catholic Church propaganda and I really couldn't believe the stuff they were saying in that seminar.

  13. Hi BrSpiritus – Ha ha… I didn't know that you got asked the same question! I have an entirely different story about the church seminar, that is also quite interesting!

  14. Hi Cathy – I was actually very shocked to hear that question myself! At that time I didn't know a lot about Philippine culture and such, but I was fairly confident that the Philippines and it's people were quite conservative when it came to matters like this! 😆

  15. Hi Bob

    Good question though (and well answered). Aside from paying someone, I think it is a good indication of a relationship. Dont have to like someone very much to feed them.

    As for your last comment about the culture, has that changed? I found them to be very upfront. Certainly not conservative at all. Was at a medical mission at one of the barangay the other day and some of the games were certainly not conservative 😳

  17. Hi carolynn – I do think that the culture is changing. When I first came here, certain topics were much more taboo to discuss than they are today.

  19. Hi Dan Mihaliak – A lawyer… hmm… not sure if that is a compliment or an insult! 😆 Just kidding… I'll be happy to partner up with you for some debating!

  20. Hi Bob,

    Could this be the beginning of another ebook? Or at least a manual on what to expect prior to getting married in the Philippines? 😛

  21. Hi Henry – I have had a lot of requests for that kind of information. I would like to help with it, but to be honest, I am not a good resource for that. You see, it has been so long since I've married here that many of the rules have changed, the society has changed, and I've also forgotten a lot of it. So, because of this, I think it's best left up to somebody else! 😆

  23. Hi Migs – Funny thing was that after we married, I found that Feyma did not know how to cook after all! 😆 I took it in stride, though, I just did the cooking myself. After we moved to the Philippines, Feyma took it upon herself to learn to cook, and she is an excellent cook today!

  26. What a question! I'm surprised myself.

    Good that you were witty enough to come up with a great answer!

  27. Bob: Way to think quickly. Love your answer. The seminar was actually only 5 minutes and private. Abulug is so small that they would have to wait a year to get enough couples together for a seminar. It was strange, though, since the counselor was Rebecca's cousin, with whom she graduated high school! I think that was the most awkward for her…. Though it quickly turned from counseling to "girl talk"!!!!

  30. Having gott6en married in the US, Mita and I missed any questions like that, but it's an excellent story (and an excellent answer, BTW). Americans often have a concept that because the Philippines has a conservative position on many issues that the Filipino is also cursed with our US shyness and denial about sex. It's not that way. Newly married (and not sd newly) should also be prepared for 'Why don't you have children'? and other questions many American's would not ask directly to a stranger … even with the famous 'delicadsa' the Filipinos tend to be much more to the point.

    Another thing I've observed. In a civil marriage, which in the US is normally perfunctory and breif, the judge or mayor here may take it upon him or herself to make grilling and instructing the foreigner groom a lengthly ordeal … letting him know in no uncertain terms how the wife is to be treated, etc. I watched a civil ceremony while on a trip to Cebu and before it was done (the mayor of the girl's town was officiating) she had made the groom look whiter than his barong tagalog … I guarantee he will never forget his wedding day 😉

  31. Hi Dave Starr – When it comes to questions and such, Filipinos are very open and will ask anything. The thing I wonder, though… are they just curious about foreigners and ask us, or are they just as direct with their kababayans? This is something I had not previously considered. I tend to lean toward them just asking things like this of foreigners.

  32. If I had a peso for every time someone mentioned children to me and Venice I'd never have to go to Alaska again. Everyone thinks I am so "gwapo kano" that they want us to have kids because they will be so good looking. Ah Philipinos are such interesting people. They say turnabout is fair play right? So whenever the issue of children comes up I just smile, zone out and nod my head alot… works every time.

  34. Hi Bob! Question: was the teacher just humoring you? I don't think it was a valid question. Yes, we Filipinos are more direct than most foreigners would think but that kind of question boarders on the tawdry. We are generally curious w/ other people, foreigner or not. Nothing is really TMI except that question in your seminar! Yes, we Filipinos are more frank w/ our sexuality such that compared to americans, the latter are more conservative. Why do we expect it to be the other way around is another issue.

  35. Hi roy – There was no joking going on at that seminar. This was really a serious question! I can assure you of that! I was really shocked, but it is honestly true.

  38. Ok, given the fact that we pinoys can be irreverrent sometimes, it may be that she was really serious. I was guilty of the same thing. My friend who was about to be a virgin spinster had an american suitor from North Dakota of all places. When he came for a visit, as usual, my friend's barkada was there to seize up the guy. In between snacks of pancit, puto't dinuguan, I interviewed the guy. "So you are from North Dakota", I said. "Yes, I am" said the american guy. "We've never met anybody from North Dakota", I continued. Seemed pleased, the guy went to give us the geography of ND. But I interrupted him with the question, "So if you are from North Dakota, you must be dakota?" By then, everybody was laughing except the american guy of course. I hope Bob that with your bisaya, you find humor in this. 🙂

    Now, they are happily married and living in ND. & yes, I have visited them already.

  39. Hi roy – Hmm… I haven't learned what that means yet… Bebe, my teacher mostly teaches missionaries, so I wonder if she will teach me that? I better ask Feyma. 😆

  40. Bob,
    Sorry for the delay of me commenting, my computer has been running a scan in dos that took days with no repair.

    Well anyway, it is interesting, your question is like the old unanswerable question "Honey, do I look fat in this dress?" no answer works.

    A few people have mentioned to me about seminars to get marraige license. We were never asked to attend any. We filled out the forms, submitted the endless copies of all papers and then got our license in 10 days. We went to the courhouse and got married.

  42. Hi Bob, Well I only know one (large) family pretty well and believe me I feel they are 'soft' on me as a forigner. They ask each other questions that sometimes make me blush. And there will be family members known far and wide by names like "Long Tall Dally" (hint, Sally is neithter long nor tall 😉 or one I always get a kick out of, regarding the man one female relaive married. "Oh him? Mr. baseball. Two balls and a bat" …. you'll figure it out 😉