In yesterday’s column I talked about my effort to adjust to Philippine Culture. Thinking back, I remember how Feyma made a great effort to adjust to American Culture during her years of living there. But, regardless of where we live, one thing that always comes to my mind when the subject of culture comes up is that Feyma and I generally live by the “Bob & Feyma Culture.”
What’s that?
Well, think about it. When a Filipina and a Filipino get married, they generally have a shared culture to fall back on. Sure, there are regional differences – somebody from Baguio might not have exactly the same culture as somebody from Cagayan de Oro, but there is a great deal in common between the two. The same can be said when two Americans marry – they have cultural backgrounds that are similar to each other.
What happens when two people from completely different cultures join in marriage? Well, each of them must make adjustments. In fact, in my opinion, they cannot live by either the wife’s nor the husband’s culture. They must create a culture of their own. Some may do this without even realizing it, but it is something that I’ve been aware of in our marriage for many years. Basically, in our case, Feyma and I have adapted some things from Filipino culture and some things from American culture to create the “Bob & Feyma Culture.” On some issues, we probably still don’t share a common culture, she still falls back to her Filipino culture while I remain American. However, I would say in 99% of all issues, we have a common culture of our own.
I think that this is true to an extent for all couples, but in a marriage of people from completely different cultures, it is surely more pronounced. On almost every issue, we had to confront the two cultures and make a common choice of one, the other, or something in between. Mostly this was done subconsciously without even realizing that it had happened. Other times we had to struggle a bit, go through a little back and forth and finally settle on what was good for “us.”
How about you? If you are married inter-culturally, have you noticed this in your relationship? If you are not yet married, do you think you can make this adjustment? I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts!
It took my filipina wife several years to adjust to the american " be on time" & "plan ahead" American attitude. Arriving at someones home for a party when they suggested an arrival time on the suggested time was …well unusual for her. We have adjusted…when we go to my functions we generally run on time….at her " filipino' functions we get there a few hours "late".
Hi Brian – When it comes to being "on time" Feyma and I have adapted American Culture. We both strive to be on time or even a little early.
My fiancee and I are going through the learning curve of adjusting just being together and having each others support. The pleasures of looking over to her and knowing or think you know what she is saying just with her stares or the way she stands. We speak for hours during the day relaxing or walking through the mall or eating any meal. We are always talking. She says she has adjusted to my way of thinking and I feel the same with her. We do disagree on things but like you say Bob, we live in "Keith and Gilda's" world and a wonderful time. That part of life is work, it will always be work, working together, each with a common goal, so nice if it can be achieved. I love the philippino family and all the aspects of it. If you cannot grow together in life. You are dead. Are men from Mars and woman from Venus?, Okay, whose turn is it to sing……….
Hi Keith – Kumbayah…. 😆 No, seriously, congratulations on your progress in the relationship! Creating your own culture is not only an important thing to do, but leads to good times like you are pointing out!
Hi Bob and to all of you. My wife and Rose also started building up our own culture from the first moment on Rose started living in Germany. Now being here in the Philippines, we are not yet finished in progressing. This has only a positive meaning. About Filipino Time try to visit my blog tomorrow. I am really curious about your opinions…
Hi Klaus – Thanks for sharing! I'll be waiting to see your article tomorrow!
My wife and I have our differences and sometimes it drives me up the wall… I know I do the same to her. But we certainly love eachother. As for creating our own culture? It's only been 5 months since we were married, only time will tell.
Hi Louis – As I started reading your comment the first thing that came to mind was that you and your wife have not had enough time yet to create your culture. It will happen, though, it has to for your relationship to survive, in my opinion. All those things that drive each other up the wall will get ironed out and you will find a happy medium that each of you can live happily with.
Hi Bob- Its my experiance that Filipino's living outside the Philippines are like chameleons not only to they blend in but also mostly go with the flow. Well thats when they are on their own and in the minority. When they meet up with other Filipino's then they revert back to their own culture and become themselves again.
I think this is the secret of living abroad in the midst of a strange culture take out of it all the things that are relevant to having a good life and leave alone the things that are not to you liking. Most of all don't critisise anything amongst strangers as you never know who they are as one mans meat is another mans poison.
i have a different take. i belong to a large multi-cultural family and there are so many sub-cultures and layers in it that it is difficult to even point out what is a cultural habit or a learned attribute.
what i noticed from my Fil-Am cousins here in the states, sometimes they see a certain family quirk as a typical filipino characteristics. since they have limited or no experience living in the philippines, something like an uncle's weird sense of humor or an aunt's by-the-book attitude is seen as a cultural thing and not an individual trait. i try to tell them that we just have a really, really strange family. but hey, maybe my own weird tendencies is seen as a filipino thing by them too.
makes me think that when my wife and i do decide to have kids here in the US, our americanized children will base a lot of their perceptions of what is filipino in our mannerisms. even though a lot of our actions by that time is a self-created "culture" as you have mentioned. this can apply to your own mixed-culture children as they grow up and try to understand the world.
Hi Bob&All My G.F. & I have been togather for nearly 5yrs. now here in Canada. I have been to the philippines several times,looking for her. She works a lot of hours,(constructive reasons) I am on long term disability(tradesman). We get along great! when we run into a cultural problem, we simply do the math on it.Whether it is important or not. She is quite a strong lady,& Iadmire her her for it. That is how she got here,more respect! I help her with things here. She explains things there,where I plan to retire (soon). Be tolerant with each other. We make a great team & I love the Philippines,& the people. Guy
Hi Jim – I agree with you completely!
Hi Macky – rather than the culture that a large family displays, I am talking more of the culture between a husband and a wife. Those two people (especially if they are from two different cultures) tend to take what is good from each culture and blend into their own culture, in my opinion.
Hi Guy Finnell – From your description, it sounds to me like you pretty much work things the same way as Feyma and I. Good luck to you.
Very interesting! I think creating your own family culture is something every successful couple does, but in a cross-cultural marriage there are certainly more elements which figure in.
I thought Macky's comment was expecially interesting. I have done a lot of reading on "Third Culture Kids." These are kids who grow up or spend extended time in a country other than their passport country. My own kids are TCKs, being American citizens, having grown up in an 'American' home in the Philippines. They have many characteristics of both cultures, and some of their own. Most of our kids grew up here in the Philippines, but because they did not look Filipino, they never fit in in the same way as those who do. They had friends and enjoyed life, but were always regarded as Americans. When they went to the States, where they had not grown up, they were "invisible immigrants." They looked like the average American kids, but were not. They did not know some things, had not grown up watching American (or any other) TV, and they had a different perspective on a whole lot of things.
Filipino-American kids are in the same place. They also straddle two cultures and benefit from both. We have a Filam friend who recently came here to be a missionary. He has spent time overseas before and was raised in an extended Filam community in the US. While he has always been pround of his Filipino heritage, he is now finding out how American he really is. It has been rough, actually, because people here are not very nice to him. He is working hard to learn Bisaya, and that will help.
Anyway, this is off topic, I guess, but maybe not as we talk about family culture.
Hi AmericanLola – Very interesting. I particularly am interested in your friends who moved here. My understanding is that the guy is Filipino, but grew up or lived a long time in the States, right? I have heard from other such people that they feel "mistreated" here by Filipinos. I have one friend like that who came here and had to go back to the States after a few months, because although he tried hard, he could not fit in, and was treated badly by Filipinos. The Filipinos here thought that he was trying to "act better than them" by not speaking the local tongue, but the problem was that he had grown up speaking English, and had no idea how to speak Tagalog or Bisaya. It was a no win situation for him, and he ended up giving up.
Yes, he is Filipino and grew up in the States. His parents are Ilocano and he grew up hearing, but not speaking, Tagalog and Ilocano. People here don't give him any slack when he can't speak the language, and when he is with his American coworkers, he is often completely ignored or handed the bags to carry. People seem to assume he is the driver.
He dresses like a Balikbayan, and I think this is part of his problem. People don't know who he is and how he fits. People are friendly and interested in the foreigners, but who does this guy think he is? Does he think he is local? He is not. Does he think he is even really Filipino? Not Filipino enough. And the interesting thing is that people don't seem to want to even try to get to know him or find out who he is. As I said, it has been hard for him. He is a really good guy with a strong love for the Philippines. I hope he hangs in there and makes a place for himself. He has a lot to offer.