One thing I hear from a number of expats is about how badly they miss their family and friends back home. To be honest, I have never really had a big problem with this. The way technology is today, I can pick up my cell phone call for free on Skype, Facebook, or many other platforms, and have a full video chat with anybody that I would like to talk to. For me that is no problem, it keeps me connected to those abroad.
I have lived in the Philippines for a long, long time, 18 years. In that time no close family or close friends have passed away. Until this week.
About a week and a half ago, I called my mom. I usually call her nearly every day, but many times she does not answer, and we usually end up talking several times a week. When I called her on this day early last week, she did answer, and it was quite distressing because I can see that she was not at home. She told me that she was in the hospital, which I had already deduced based on seeing what was in the background when we were talking. I was quite surprised, she had not told me that she was hospitalized, and I asked her why. She said that she had only gone to that hospital that day, and had intended to call me later in the day.
Much of what my mom told me that day did not make much sense to me. I could tell that she was heavily drugged, so I just accepted what she said and wish her well. Over the days, we talked nearly every day, and sometimes she made more sense than other times. For a few days, I was unable to get a hold of her. Then, on Monday, she finally answered her phone, and she told me she had been transferred to a rehab center. She thought she would be in the rehab center for about two weeks. Funny thing was, they never were able to figure out what was wrong with her when she was hospitalized, according to what she told me. Still, she did not sound good, so our conversation was short. She was tired.
On Tuesday, I called her again, and she sounded fantastic. She sounded the best that I had heard for at least six months, possibly for the past year. I felt that she had finally turned the corner, and was on the way to recovery. Our conversation was short, because her nurse came in, and she said she was going to call me back. She did call back, but after only a few minutes she said that she would be going, and would talk to me the next day. I asked her if she didn’t want to talk longer, and she said: “no, I will call you tomorrow, or you call me.”
On Wednesday, I got a message from my brother. He said he could not find my phone number, and needed to call me, so I sent him my phone number. I was expecting the worst. When he called, a few minutes later, he told me that my mother had to be rushed back to the hospital emergency room, and she was not doing well. It sounded to me like the end was near, I did not think she would make it through the day, based on the things he had told me.
I kept trying to call my mom, in hopes that perhaps she would answer her phone, and she never did.
My suspicion was right, about six hours later, my brother called again. He told me that she had passed about an hour earlier.
I guess I was lucky, in 18 years of living in the Philippines, this was the first death of a person close to me that I had experienced.
Contention
When Feyma and I decided to move to the Philippines, back in 1999, my mother was very upset about this. She could not accept it. It really caused a rift in our relationship. Although that rift mostly healed over the years, there was always a little something there.
When I got the news that it looked like my mom was going to die, I thought about this rift, and I wondered, perhaps I had made the wrong choice. Perhaps I should’ve stayed living in the United States so that I would’ve been there when my mother passed away. I thought a long time about this. In the end, though, I decided that I had made the right choice. Feyma and I have had a good life here. We have had many blessings, many things that we would’ve missed out on if we had stayed in the United States. Of course, who knows what blessings would’ve been bestowed upon us if we had stayed there. However, I feel strongly that we made the right choice.
Visits
My mother made three visits to the Philippines. She first came here only about a year and a half after we had moved. I had a stroke when we’re living in General Santos City, and she came to see me.
Her other two trips to the Philippines were to Davao City.
Each time she came here, she told us how nice it was, and how she could understand why we decided to move. But, later, when she returned to the states, there were always times when that understanding seemed to have disappeared, and again she was upset about the fact that we had moved.
I feel sorry that my mother and I had this rift, but I also feel that I made the right decision in moving here, for myself, Feyma, and our children. The issue with my mother is something that I tried to work out over the years, and in many ways, I did work it out with her.
It was time to go
My mother had been sick for a number of years. Frankly, she was suffering. She had gone through several rounds of cancer, and other ailments as well. She was not doing well. Although it is something that you never like to say, it really was time for her to go. At least she is no longer suffering.
My father passed away in 1993, and my mother missed him badly. It does ease the pain to think about the fact that they are back together again. Perhaps, even, she can see our life here and understands better why we have chosen to live here in the Philippines. I hope so anyway.
RIP Billie Darlene Martin. 1941-2018
We all love you very much.
My sincerest condolences to you and family, Bob. Your mom is in a better place. No more suffering. Your decision to move to the Philippines 18 years ago was your decision. It was the right decision for you and your family. Blessings.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Bob:Sending sympathy and prayers to you and your family. Your Mom and Dad were such good friends to
Durwood and Me. We did visit her in the NW each time we were there., Going to miss her positive and welcoming hospitality when we were there. Need Mick’s number so I can exrend our condolences. Marie and Durwood Al;ford
Hi Marie. Always nice to hear from you. I hope you and Durwood are doing well. I just talked to Mick. I don’t want to publish his number publically, but I will send you an email with the number, so check your email.
My condolences, Bob. But, you are right, your Mom is no longer suffering. Most important of all, she is now back together again with her husband. RIP, Mrs. Martin.
Thank you.
condolences Bob
Sorry for your lost Bob .Best wishes to you and your family .
Thank you, John.
Sorry for your loss
Thank you.
Bob, so sorry to hear this story. Sorry for your loss; I certainly know from experience what a difficult time this can be.
Do you intend to travel back to the USA for the funeral?
Best wishes, and our condolences to your family at this time.
Hi Jim, Thank you. No, I will not be traveling back. I have a surgery on my eyes coming up that will not allow me to travel. Without the surgery, my eyes are in very serious trouble.
My condolences, Bob. My wife’s parents both passed away in Davao within the last 2 years. It was so hard on Joy not to be there for their passing. She went home for each parent when they thought were dying, but they both rallied and she was here when they died. She was able to go home for her mom’s funeral, though. That helped.
The same sort of thing happened with Feymawhen her father died back in the 90s. She was unalb eto come home for the funteral because we had an infant and he was sick. Thank you.
I’ve already expressed my sadness for your loss. But, but you made me think of my own parents. They are in their seventies and not well enough to travel here. I talk to them all the time, but I would feel terrible if I lost one of them.
The sacrifice to move here put me a long way from my parents and my boys, but at least my parents understand and care about my decision and that I have a great life. My brother died a few weeks before I came to the Philippines, so I am the only one left, but I think it makes them happy to see me so happy.
So sorry to bring my own feelings up. I think this is something I think about every day.
Nothing wrong with talking abyout your own situation, in fact it is good. Whatever you decide, good luck to you!
Bob I missed her too
Thank you.
You’re welcome
You will be missed Mother. I love you!
Indeed.
I’m sorry for your loss Bob ?
Thank you, Christine.
heartfelt condolences bob and feyma…
Thank you.
Sorry to hear about your loss Bob
Thank you.
Bob, sorry for your families loss. Thanks for sharing as it is an expat issue for many.
Thank you. I appreciate it. It is my hope that others who are expats will take time to consider things like this.
I’m sorry for your loss, my prayers go out to you and your family!
Thank you, Paul.
My condolences to you and your family. My mom is the same age as yours and frankly that’s one of the reasons we haven’t made the move yet. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Not much one can do…powerless….been thru this also …the family is hard to figure out but I personally feel they have a hard spot in their hearts for me moving here but even if I was back home how many times would they actually see me a year???…. 3 or 4 mostly holidays … with the internet like you say…….. that i feel is close enough and can talk everyday even for hours if want too…. because i am much more happy living here……. once you are here you can see the whole picture looking back at the usa some people can not adapt but those who can like me and you find it wonderful…. ..I send you my heartfelt blessings for your mother
Thank you very much. It seems we havfe similar experiences, and I feel the same as what you say.
For you’re Bob’s mom, I really long to see you in person, but now…..all i can say is : May you rest in peace with the blessing of the LORD..
Thank you, Ninang.
Junneth and I Will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.
Thank you very much, Greg.
I am praying for her Bob and for you too
Thank you, Vi. I appreciate that!
As I said, I loved your parents dearly and even though I know it was hard on your mom for you to move so far away, it’s evident that you are very happy living there. I think you made the right choice.
Thank you Kelli. I think so, and thank you. It was difficult on my mother, but it has been a good thing for us. Still makes it tough, though.
We enjoy our visit with her that’s our good memory – condolence to the whole family
Thank you so much.
Bob Martin welcome take care all
Bob, what a Beautiful article. I only know your pain, after just loosing both my parents in the last few years. May God Bless you and your family always. Your mother was a Blessing. She will always be in you and your families heart forever.
Thank you very much, Rene.
Love you Bob and your Beautiful Family! Your an amazing person and your accomplishments! You deserve so much respect for all that you are to so many. You are an inspiration. Through this heartache, you know you were born from LOVE! Just like you gave to your children. That is an amazing Accomplishment! You keep going with your Positiveness! It helps us All, who follow you! Much Love to you and your Family! Tears will always be here, Never get over the love. Love, is something you cannot buy from a drug store…!
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I try to be a nice guy, and hope I am successful in doing that most of the time! LOL
Sad new Bob and family.
Deepest condolences.
Thank you.
Bob: I don’t think that death ever comes at an opportune time and the circumstances of how one dies is fate and destiny in their most elemental forms. I try not to second guess what “I” should have done differently. When my own Dad died, suddenly and prematurely, I told myself that we were tight, that things were good between us (and they weren’t always) and that we both knew that we loved each other. It helped me to think that way and to know that. My two kids still resent my move to the Philippines in 2011, though they have visited 3 or 4 times and I have visited the same number. Someone above said, “How much would they actually see me in a year…3 or 4 times.” And, he’s right. RIP to your Mom and good thoughts and prayers to you. Losing our parents is one of life’s mysterious transitions. -Rob
Everything you said, is, in my mind, very true. Thank you!
Sad news Bob.I guess It makes it a little more painful by not being able to be there at her service. Still, you will have lots of good memories, for sure!
Indeed, thank you.
This was beautiful Bob. I know she loved her children very much. She even had extra to give to extended family like me. I’m happy that she is no longer in any pain and that she is with your dad. Not just that, but she is with your sister and her parents too.
She was such a wonderful woman. I’ll never forget her! !
Thank you very much.
im sorry for your lost.
Thank you
Condolences to you and your family, Bob. I know how you feel as I lost my mom in 2015 when I was living here. I’ll say some prayers for your mom. Al
Thank you so much.
Sorry for your loss!
Thank you
Thank you.
Hi Bob,
Mom passed away 13 years ago. Our first son was 2 weeks old. The night before she passed I visited her in the hospital. Mom was screaming and moaning in pain the whole time in spite of all the pain killers they were giving her. The doctors had given up on treatment because there was nothing that could be done. I got the feeling Mom was fighting to stay alive for her family. The next day, I went to work. My wife told me that Mom had died when I got home from work. I don’t know if I was a coward for not being there when she died, but at that point I wanted her to have peace. I don’t know. Sorry for your loss.
Peace
Jay
Hi Jay. Thank you. We can never know these things, at least not while we are here on this earth. I hope you have dealt with it and put it behind you.
Sorry for your loss Bob. My father, first wife and mother have passed away in that order within a five year period. After my first wife passed I soon met my filipina wife to be online. But all of my family tried to tell me I shouldn’t marry her including my mother. So I had no support from my family. My mother was also upset when I decided that I would live with my new filipina wife in the Philippines. All I can say is it has been difficult for me but I am happy for making the decision to live here. Take care Bob and God bless you!
That sounds like a very difficult situation. I am glad that you made it through. My condolences to you as well.
That sounds like a very tough situation that you faced,! I am glad you made it through. Thank you.
Sorry for your loss, I was unable to come home to my fathers funeral in 2010, it’s hard, I was caught up between my final exam in school and two small kids. If i go home my husband has to take leave from work for my kids. You are not alone in that situation…
Yes, I agree. Sometimes that way life is we cannot do things that we want to do, but I think it all works out in the end. Thank you.
Yes, it is tough, but sometimes that is the way life is. Feyma went through a very similar situation to yours when her Father passed in 1993.
Condolence Bob to your Family. Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let the perpetual light shine upon her. May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen. RIP Billie Darlene Martin
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-22
Thank you very much. It is appreciated.
Sorry to hear about your mom Bob. You really look a lot like your dad.
Thank you, Steve. All of my life people have said I look just like my dad. LOL
Bob,
Your Moms passing makes me think more about my parents who are 85 and living in a assisted living facility. My mom is on dialysis, but my father is doing fairly well health wise. We don’t know how much longer they will be with us and i know they want to see us more often, so we are considering maybe splitting time between both countries. Again we are sorry for your loss. Hope your eye surgery turns out successful.
Thank you, Randy. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. Take advantage of the time you have.
Very sincere condolences to you and all your family. Your mother had 77 years on Earth and that is a great achievement – it is clear that she was much loved. I was unable to attend my mother’s funeral as I was not well at the time, but I felt spiritually there. I believe that showing love does not always require ‘being there’ and one could perceive that in the vast expanse of the Universe we are all really very close here on Earth. One thing I really admire about you, Sir Bob, is the way you are willing to express your feelings and through doing so you make others think about similar situations and examine their own inner thoughts. We all have a time to rest, a time for eternal peace and your mother now has her time. Bless you all.
Thank you for your kind comment, Mike. It is much appreciated.
Sorry about the lost of your mother. We are sure she is out there happy looking at you. Our sincere condolence, from one of your avid Reaser