It’s been awhile since I have posted a Dear Feyma letter here. I just didn’t go through a lot of my emails yet. But I had this email that caught my attention.
“Dear Feyma, I am a Pinay. An OFW working in the Middle East. I just got back from a month of vacation there in our beautiful country, I want to work extra hard right now to earn as much as I could. Then I want to retire there later. I have been supporting my family there ever since working here. I wanted to stop supporting my family, but I can’t tell them that. I just don’t have the face to tell them. Since the war started here in the Middle East, I have been thinking hard for my future. I want to settle down with my boyfriend . He is a Filipino who is working here too. We want to get married in a few years. He is also supporting his family (like parents and siblings) back home. Lately my bf and I were talking about saving our money for our futures. I felt guilty, Feyma, of doing this because I am used to helping my family. But I have also my future to look after too. My family lives somewhere in the Visayas. I have been reading some of your posts here about living near the family. I might have to give the small house that I built for my Papa & Mama. When me and my bf get married we might live in Mindanao. Watch out we might be neighbors someday. I learned a lot from the comments of your blog.
I want to earn and save my money right now, and invest my money later for a business. Do you happen to know what business is good in Pinas? I have family there that owned like a KTV bar. They asked me if I want to owned one for an investment. I told them no, I don’t have desire to own a KTV Bar.
Feyma I hope to see you and your husband when I retire there. I am thinking now of going to Mindanao next visit to Pinas to see what is good for me and my husband to be. Thank you so much for listening. Keep up the good work. I learned so much from this site”.
So guys I need your opinion on how to handle on telling the family that they will be cut off from the support that was provided for a long time. It would be hard for the family to handle then. The lady also has the right to cut them off because she has to start her own family too. This is going to be big change for the family. Well, they should be happy though, they already had a house built for them. All in all this is not an easy thing for the woman and the man. Not sure if the man would quit supporting his family. For me if she quit supporting the family the guy should also do the same, quit supporting his family.
Wow, her questions about good business here in the Philippines? That would be a hard one to answer. For one, I don’t really know what she likes to do. Even if the business is good, if the owner is not into it, more likely the business will fail. I hope when time she retire she will study first what is good and what she like to do first before venturing into anything here. That’s what I do anyway. But it is up to her. I really hope for the best for the lady and the hubby to be too.
Thank you guys in advance from your unending advice here. I really appreciate very much.
Cheers!
Nice Post Feyma…..well…all I can say is the lady here in this post needs to do just that..shut they all off..the sooner the better and if her man is going to treat her as no.1 as it should be if they get married or even thinking about getting married then he needs to do the same cut all the family off from pesos every month and then those on stand by or lazy or just dependent on the money flowing from the hard working OFW can find other ways to supporth their self……My self I do not think OFW’S need to keep the home fires burning for ever and ever…they all need a life and if i was a betting man….if the OFW something go wrong…would all the family,cousings and free loaders be offering to take care of the OFW…..I think percentage wise think not…..any way……always enjoy reading your posts and hope the lady in this story gets moving on towards a life for her self……
Hi dan – Thank you. It’s going to be hard for the lady to cut them off. But she has to do something before she settles down. Same with the bf he had to do something too.
I had an OFW cousin. She worked in Egypt for 8 years. She sent all her money to her parents. Thinking they will saved up the money for her. Well, her siblings got almost all the money from the parents and just wasted it all. She came home and she was so disappointed. The house not yet finish. The money for the appliances were all wasted too. It was a messed when she got to her parents house. They had world war 3 going until now. Really most of the OFW family that’s left behind don’t want to get a job, they just wait when the money comes every month.
Thank you so much for your comment. Good to see you here again.
Take care!
Hi Feyma,
Always a difficult one,coz some families expect so much,but the couple here have their own futures to consider also.
They don’t have to cut support to their families completely,and they both would probably feel guilty if they did.
Life is all about compromise,so maybe they should agree on a small allowance for each family,then save the rest of their income for their future.
Starting a business is a difficult one,many times its better to stick to what you know best,or something near it.
Regards,
Chas.
Chas;
We were posting at the same time, with the same advise. Boy, we are good!
Paul,
Great minds think alike,lol.
Hi Chas – I know what you mean. You had a good point there. She might do that.
I’m with you. I could never tell her what business to get. I don’t know her and never met her in person. I really hope she will study first and know what she likes before jumping into anything.
As always thank you for your good advice.
Cheers!
hi Chasdv
I agree with you and Paul on this delicate matter. And yes they would definately feel guilty to cut off all their support to the familys. The trick is to sit down and do their sums and work out how much is needed for survival, ie food, water,power bills, so they dont starve. Then send only that amount , sending more is only open to be squandered.But in most cases its very hard for them to send nothing after watching their parents go without so they could get an education to work overseas.
Seems we not only share names but also opinions 🙂 Yes, doing the math is extremely important, not only in terms of what they can/should contribute to their families but also in terms of what they need for themselves and their future. Financial planning is no more difficult than arithmetic, but most would agree the hardest part is doing the budget in the first place! Get motivated by what you want in your future life. Also, I would say, even providing for basic survival needs is too much if it means the couple can’t save enough for themselves. Care for sick or elderly relatives and education for the youngsters might be a priority, but taking care of all the bills for a large family back home is a lot to ask of a young person working overseas, perhaps too much.
Hi Dave Smith,
Thats the reason i put L in after David because when i first came into the forum i noticed that someone else shared my name. lol
cool. I’m David G. 🙂
Feyma;
There comes a time in every life when they must be weaned from a mother’s milk to another source of nutrition. The same goes for support. The lady is planning her life now, as is her right as a human.
I would cut the monthly amount by half, and bank the other half for my future. Her boyfriend should do the same (With the BF TRUST but verify he’s doing the same). Then explain to the receivers of the money that the well is drying up and they must make other plans, work is always a good substitute for charity. Give them a firm date as to when the support will end, on that date, do it! Be firm, if they get angry at her, then they loved the money more than her. It’s a cold world, but one can’t always be someone elses blanket.
Hi Paul – Good advice can’t argue on that.
As always thank you so much for your thoughts and helpful advice.
Take care!
Paul, Mrs Feyma
Totally agree with that Paul. They should be thankful for what they already received. Weaning them off slowly is the best thing, as it will give them a chance to look for employment or other sources of money. Also, i would also help them if need be in a medical emergency or helping for education. She just has to stay strong and don’t back down or it will be harder in the future to try to do it. Have a nice day.
Hi Papa Duck – I agree Paul has a good advice there.
Take care!
Paul, that was very good advice. Could not have said it better then that.
Well said Paul.
I see this all the time,someone working abroad supporting the family back home.from what i can tell it seems that some get real lazy and give up working intead of trying for themselves.Im not talking about the poor very old parents ,they need to be looked after some.The couple should plan their lives and save for themselves and give only alittle if they want to,not because they feel obligated. Both need to do the same thing stop giving.
Hi maynard – Yes, I’ve noticed that too, that when someone in the family works abroad the people that left behind just not do anything anymore. They were just waiting when the money comes every month. I’ve seen a lot here some members of the families don’t get a job, just gamble and get drunk. I think we are already used to seeing that here.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Take care!
Hrmmm…my wife gave 12 years of her life working overseas to set up her family…bought them a new house and furnished it…sent 2 siblings to school (they both dropped out, never told her and never thanked her). Her family (parents included) never even called her while she was overseas…she always had to call them.
She came home and found that they had squandered almost everything she had given them…except the house, but that was paid for up front, so at least they didn’t sell that. She is the only girl in a family of 10…and the only one who gave back to the family.
She’s had enough…when we got married, she decided the cord was going to get cut…I’m still supporting her from the US until the visa comes thru, but she is very tight with the money she gives out now. She told me when she get’s here, she doesn’t want a cell phone, so they won’t call her when they need more money. She said several times, when working overseas, she felt suicidal.
After all she’s been through, she now has the strength to say that she has repaid any debt to them…she’s free to live her own life now and though she will pray for them and love them…they will now sink or swim of their own accord.
I hear all the stories from the western pov, but what about from a Filipina that has returned? At the end of the day, all they have is family. If they are OFWs making a pittance, saving 50% of their salaries is really not going to carry them that long once they are back in RP. Also, from the story, if they have to ask what kind of business will do well, then really are setting themselves up for failure. The KTV is a cash cow and probably one of few viable ventures, not the sari sari or bbq stand that is so typical.
Lets face it, we know that she should cut the cash cord, but is she really willing to give up the security of family. I dont think so. Family is too big here and without it, she is nothing. Also, dont count on the BF until there is a ring on the finger and he gives her joint accounts. For all she knows, the family he is supporting is a wife and kids.
Don
I am with you on this matter.Filipinos thinks of their family as gold no matter what the circumstance ,family is family,and unlike in the western side of the world,your family will be there to the end.After all ,how many nursing homes are there in the Philippines? I know there are a few,mostly in bigger city like Manila.I visited one nursing home here in the US ( my lady friend was visiting a relative) and it was heartbreaking for me to see old people being abandoned* on their wheelchair on the hallway,no one to talk to and just looking so sad and I suspect,drugged up and sedated.Right there and then,I made my decision that I will try my very best to make my way back to my beloved homeland The beautiful Philippines!! Not all filipinos are money hungry and when you meet the right people there,they all will treat you like family,blood related or not!
I would never tell anyone to completely shut off their families….WOW, do any of you realize what you are saying?
Here is what I would do and I would want my filipina fiance to do. I would want her to tell the family that she will help them a little but they have to make their own way. Tell them they should NOT expect money every month, that you will send them what you can. But they need to figure their own way out.
And if I was to keep sending money I would NOT send it to anyone that was not willing to work, either on the farm or some other job. And the children would need to stay in school and be making a strong effort. And I would want evidence of attendance and good grades in school. You should NEVER reward laziness.
Just sending money blindly every month is not good. I would explain to the family that I have my own future to think about and I need to make sure I have a good future with my spouse.
I know this is a tough deal, especially in the Philippines….but reducing what you send to the family seems to be the best way. It really depends on the condition the family is in.
One thing I can say for certain…if the family members are not willing to work or go to school…they get NOTHING.
Start by reducing what you send and go from there.
Hi Todd – You said:
Than you said:
Those two statements seem to contradict each other. I don’t understand what you are saying, can you clarify?
I have no problem understanding what Todd means- you just have to phrase it in the way in which I am sure that he meant it :
I would never tell anyone to completely shut off their families….WOW, do any of you realize what you are saying?
unless of course-
if the family members are not willing to work or go to school… then they get NOTHING.
Glad that you are able to read between the words, ian, because Todd certainly did not say what you are saying. I guess I was unaware that “NEVER” means “sometimes.”
i think its called ” poetic license” Bob ! lol It might not be the most accurate but it solves a lot of disputes .
Ah, now I understand! I didn’t realize that Todd was a poet! That explains everything! 😯
Todd;
You wrote: “I would never tell anyone to completely shut off their families….WOW, do any of you realize what you are saying?”
Prior to an all inclusive statement like yours, please take the time and read what others wrote. Chas and I both said to cut the monthly amount down slowly. Please realize what we are in fact saying.
I think what I said is completely in line with both statements.
If the family members are willing to work and/or go to school they would get what I could send them.
If they are not willing to help themselves by working or going to school then they would get nothing.
But for someone to say you should just cut the family off…even if they might be really trying hard is not right to me. You should never just cut the family off unless they show no desire to help themselves.
I have talked to many American men that seem to think the best way to handle things is to get their filipina wife or gf far away from the family and then to cut the family off. And by doing that they have caused serious damage with the family relationship and stress to the filipina that does not need to be there.
The better way is for the filipina to let the family know what she will do, and put some conditions on it. If the family is trying to make it on their own and really doing what they can but they just don’t have enough…then help out.
If the family just thinks they can sit back and do nothing they get NOTHING.
I think that is far different than just saying you are going to completely shut them off. I find it hard to believe most filipinos would be comfortable doing that…especially knowing the hardships many of their family members go through daily.
I personally think that the two statements are nowhere near being in line with each other. For example… if a Filipino OFW came to you and said: “I send $200 per month to my Filipino brother. He doesn’t work. He spends the money on chasing women and buying shabu.” Would you tell him to cut off the money? You said, though, that you would NEVER tell anybody to cut off the money going to the family. Curious minds want to know…
bob,
I am not really sure if the word “compassion” is something todd has in his dictionary.
Holy cow!!! I think some of you need to actually pay attention to what I said, especially after I clarified it. I think if you read my entire FIRST comment it is pretty easy to see that I was saying you should NEVER cut off a family completely…unless they were making no effort.
Does it really need to be spelled out line by line? My God!!
At least John can figure it out!!! Wow!
And Dan, why would you make such an ignorant comment about me having no compassion? LOL. I have more compassion, especially for Filipinos, that anyone I know.
But I am not a pushover. People should NEVER get a handout for doing NOTHING….unless they simply can’t do anything because of sickness, age, or something like that.
But you know what….the OFW welfare system in the Philippines is not as bad as what occurred in my country for many years….people getting money for literally doing NOTHING in a country that has many opportunities.
I agree that there are a fair share of filipinos that do not make the effort they should. But I tend to be more compassionate towards them (Paying attention Dan?) because where many of them come from.
When you see the poverty and troubles that many of them see from the time they leave the womb, it is not hard to understand the frustration and bad attitudes many of them develop.
It is amazing how many of you blast the filipinos for being lazy but I will tell you this right from the start….filipinos are FAR less lazy on a regular basis than most Americans I know.
Jesus, most Americans I know couldn’t handle a week of what my fiance and many filipinos go through on a daily basis. My fiance, and many other filipinos, do more before noon than many Americans do all day.
So this blasting filipinos for being lazy is just ridiculous. When I first went to the filipines in January of 2008 I could not believe how difficult the daily lives were. I felt ashamed for complaining about the stuff in America I complain about.
Does anyone else need some clarification on what I meant in my first comment? If so, honestly, there is nothing more I can do for you. Maybe John can explain it.
Bob, I get what Todd is saying and I still think compassion is in his dictionary(Dans). Coming from the point of view of an american still living in the USA, I have a relative who has a son who is nearly 30 years old and has only had one job in his life and has not worked since. Both he and his mother are not working and think I am a walking ATM machine. They live from motel to motel and I have financially supported them and have not been given one cent back even though she is getting unemployment benefits. Not even a thank you. But everytime they are in trouble of being thrown out, I get the “phone call” and I, against my better judgement come to their financial rescue. There comes a time, if they are not going to help themselves, that you have to cut them off and show “tuff love”.
I think the Todd should just remove his first sentence “I would never tell anyone to completely shut off their families….WOW, do any of you realize what you are saying?” The rest of his comment will fall in line with the point he is trying to make.
I fullly agree with you, John. It is Todd’s first sentence that I have disagreement with.
I think there is a general stereotype that the families are sitting at home waiting on the monthly remittance and doing nothing but eating or drinking, which I am sure there is a % like that. This is the story from the OFW POV to tug at the heart srtings, but I think most of the families actually would like to be working or going to school, etc. When it comes down to that the best job one can find is doing a < $200/month job in mid east as a maid, that shows how little opportunity there is for the ones that stay back or cant go abroad as dont speak english well enough are too old. Often, the entire family has to come up with funds for the one sibling to be able to pay for the agents to find them work.
My take is that families may be sitting around at home because there are no jobs period. The govt doesnt help as it sees the OFWs as a resource to be exported.
Don, yes. What you typed. This has been my experience with some of my wife’s family. It’s not that they won’t work, there just isn’t work available out in the boondocks where they are from.
My statements go for any type of relationship that involve a filipino or filipinos. Not just Fil-Ams or filipinas with foreigners.
Hi! Feyma,
I saw myself w/ this lady and i perfectly understand her situation coz ive’d been supporting my family( 8 members) since i was 16 yrs. old till i got a job overseas but 2 yrs. ago i stop supporting my siblings( except my old mother) and told them that it was time they need to defend to themselves coz i have also my own life to deal w/.Some of my bro. and sister got mad that until now we never speak w/ each other.
Hi Feyma
My advice would be first for the man and woman to do a budget and budget in a small amount to support the family but the mother and father only. Next they should work towards providing money for another single sibling to become an OFW or going to school for training, then the burden would not be on just one sibling. The woman sounds like she is also trying to retire early and return to the Philippines. My advice there would be to work overseas as long as they can stand it before giving up the opportunity they now have. It would be nice if everyone could go overseas, work a few years and then retire back home but unless they have a good business op or are nearing retirement age they should stick their OFW status until the end. There are people in the Philippines and worldwide who would be glad to be working in another country and these people should realize the advantage they have.
Hi Ms Feyma – For investing money, I think a restaurant or eatery/ or a mini grocery/ is a good one. People always eat.. or needs something to buy in the store. I also suggest an 8 door apartment or something like that. Not really sure if it’s good, but she can have it rented and every month there will always be an income from the rent.
But you are also correct though, money needs to be invested wisely.. so maybe a feasibility study on what would work best for her savings and where to invest it properly. Thanks.
Hi Feyma: My late mother was in a similar boat with this lady with her family. Just before retiring to the Philippines from the U.S., she established an egg farm and a fish farm. She put everybody to work. If they work, they get paid; if not, they did not receive any funds. It was hard for her to cut off her family, but at the same time she realized that they needed their funds for retirement. My parents elected to permanently reside in Cebu rather than Mindanao to be away from her immediate relatives.
Ouch! That’s a tough one, too. Do you want to be close to your family, as in an ideal world, where everyone gets along, or do you want a little distance? Cebu to Mindanao seems a long way…
Hi Dave S: My father was Filipino-American, born in the U.S. He came from a family with only 3 children. My mother on the other hand, came from a family of around 10 children. (They have a huge clan.) My parents were long-term residents in California and retired in the Philippines. In their household (before my father became very ill), there was only my father, mother, and one helper. My father did not like noise and strangers in the house. My late parents were married for over 60 years (first time marriage for both) and they didn’t want conflict with each other. Both were retired professionals from the U.S. and had prominent personalities. My father always said that ” if you want peace in the household, move one island away”.
Nice story Roselyn.
Hi Chasdv: Thanks. My parents’ strategy worked for them.
Roselyn, thanks for clarifying. Your late father sounds like a wise man. I shall remember his advice to you. After all, interisland flights these days are still reasonably priced.
Hi Feyma
I think this is something every foreigner marrying a filipina (or filipino) struggles with as we are taught in the West to be independent. At the same time we have Welfare States providing handouts for those that can’t or won’t work.
I agree with both Paul and Todd above. ‘Shutting off the cash supply’, or IMHO even choosing to support only the parents, is too drastic. Couples need to plan for their future and the way they do that may be a different plan than their parents had. Foreigners need to understand the importance of family values and the expectations within filipino families which, justified or not, is not something that can be dismissed or easily or suddenly changed.
My advice to your lady would be to set up a joint account with her bf, one that can only be affected by both of their signatures and then have a discussion about how they are going to achieve their savings goals. Follow Paul and Todd’s advice about not rewarding laziness and helping younger family members get an education. Most importantly, don’t make the mistake of producing as many kids as possible in the hope that one or more of them will provide for THEIR retirement when the time comes – that’s how much of these situations start.
Having said that, each of them will have certain obligations to parents and siblings that they feel obliged to fulfill, and some of those may be unexpected emergencies, so it would be wise for each of them to save a little purely for themselves, so that in future they can exercise discretion in how to deal with those situations. For example, the husband may feel he has to help pay for better aid for an ailing parent while the wife believes it’s not essential to do so. Bear in mind that perhaps most arguments between couples are about money.
If they want to have a happy and successful future they MUST prioritize their own relationship – “put away childish things” as it says in a popular wedding reading.
‘Weaning’ is a good word for what has to be done, as it should be a gradual process, causing as little hardship as possible to her (and his) family. This is an individual choice, but they can explain their financial situation in detail to their families (which often serves to remove the assumption that ‘money is no object’ to OFW) or keep things in general terms if they wish their finances to remain private. There was an article recently on how OFW in Canada simply keep racking up debt to keep their families back home happy. If the families are aware of this and truly care for their relative overseas, they surely would not wish a larger debt upon them?
I can only agree wholeheartedly with your advice regarding a business. If they really want to run a business, they should start researching immediately and discussing it between themselves. Perhaps they can even start next trip home by bringing something they can sell at a profit and taking something back they can also sell. In any case, start discussing options and looking for ideas. Running a business anywhere is hard and many fail, leaving the owners worse off. Establish good credit in their own names with a filipino bank. And consider just saving enough money and looking for work at home. People don’t seem to realize that the unemployment rate in the Philippines is no higher than in the West. Sure, the money is not the same, but then neither is the cost of living, so if you have a job (and savings, and don’t have to support everyone around you), life is ok.
My wife is tired of ‘friends’ who get in touch only when they want to borrow money. Those are not friends. Family is still family, however they behave, but if they won’t help themselves or they abuse your help, then they simply don’t deserve it.
Hope this helps.
Dave
I mean “can NOT be dismissed or easily or suddenly changed”, of course…. 🙂
Hi Dave: I’ll add other info to my previous comments. My parents hired managers who were non-members of the family and required that books be kept. They paid taxes to the Filipino government legally. Family members who worked at the fish farm and egg farm can be fired by these managers. My father was an accountant and my mother was a statistician. Although they maintained their permanent residence in Cebu, they supervised these businesses tightly to keep them upfloat. Embezzlement was always a problem in these businesses.
Wow what a tough subject matter. Unfortunatley, is is a deep rooted issue that relates to many things the Philippines face as a nation of people…..pride, guilt, work ethic, laziness, corruption, religion on and on…..that make the people here what they are and the country where it is in SEA. But that is for another discussion. As for support by an OFW relative that is something that can be managed better if only the emotion and guilt can be taken out of the equation by the OFW. I think if I was the OFW I would not send any money back home except for basic necessities. Any major work I would oversee when I got home to make sure the money would be used properly. I would also put conditions on getting money as well whatever they might be.
hi feyma,
much has been said about the reality of OFWs’ lives, both from the standpoint of government as well as from folks like you who have actually been in those shoes, having to leave the country for better opportunities elsewhere, sending money home to share with your family when it’s just enough to save for your future, and coming back (for good?) to start again from first base with what you were able to save abroad.
whether the pinoy leaves with a family back home expecting a regular stipend or not, most OFWs tend to come back with the same value system about money as when they first left. the key thing is to realize that cashflow is king, and savings from working abroad aren’t worth a bit if they’re not used to generate sufficient cashflow here that makes leaving an obsolete option.
the only way to do that is to transition from OFW with savings, to pinoy with a viable business.
there are always needs both in the provinces and in the capital that aren’t being met. demand-based opportunities are good because you don’t need to push too hard to generate customers. as long as there are few suppliers for a certain demand, you can count on pricing to remain stable. in the case of your letter sender, it looks like she’s sensible enough to realize that a KTV bar is not a good source of cashflow.
she can either use government census data as a springboard for demand-based business ideas, or use her powers of observation to check out her target destination and see what’s not there yet (service or product gap) that she could provide the local populace when she finally moves there.
consumer trends in advanced countries tend to continue in developing countries, with a time gap that allows one to learn what’s out there and be right on time for deployment when it finally hits local shores.
then again trends being what they are, it helps to know what types of products or services tend to have a short or long demand curve, so that she’ll know when to exit the business and start a new one before local demand drops.
personally, the best businesses in PH tend to be “quiet” services that become part of the local infrastructure, growing along with the growth of the local economy, whether town or city. where i grew up, startup entrepreneurs who went into servicing the installation of phone, cable tv and electricity connections in the 70s eventually grew to become principals in their respective industries by the 90s.
best of all, installation technicians are all you see, not the owners. they don’t get kidnapped ” )
cheers,
and to answer her question about dealing with the family when support’s due to be cut off, she and her husband can hire the non-working relatives, who’ll stand to learn a new trade if/when they do get into the services i mentioned above ” )
cheers,
Biz
Absolutely agree with you. That is the correct way to go. Take care be safe my friend.
Hi Feyma – It’s a situation that always crop up with most Filipino families when it’s their time to settle down marry someone and live separate life. I believe it’s not happening only on OFWs, even those working here in our county more often than not are also supporting their family so they too have to deal with it in time. It’s in a Filipino culture to help their family financially. At first it’ll be difficult for the giver to tell the dependant family members of their plans to cut financial support. But by telling to them heart to heart the reasons it needs to limit the amount they’ll be giving would help explain it better. It is sure that somehow the family knew the financial support they’ve been getting isn’t forever and probably aware there’ll be a certain time in the future when it needs to end, and it’s just matter of telling to them the real situation.
In the letter sender’s situation, she seems to be a kind person that she’s having a hard time thinking how to tell the family she would stop giving them financial support. And then there’s this plan of her and her bf of starting a family. I think it required a balancing act wherein she could save for her future with her bf and at the same time not hurting the feelings of family members which are dependent on her. If she abruptly stop sending money to her family, then it is sure would create a big problem because for years they were depending on remittances she’s been giving them. How would her family cope with the daily basic need expenses, monthly bills, foods on the table, tuition fees if some are in school? It will be a good thing if she’d tell her family beforehand that in the coming say 2 or up to 6 months maybe, she would be stopping her remittances to the family. Telling her family the reasons she had to do so and telling them they have to prepare to look for other source of income for family sustenance. Her thought of giving the house she built would surely help to appease her family. And maybe (just if she could still afford) assuring them a minimal financial support could make wonders. It would be difficult in the beginning, but in time her parents or siblings can adjust to the situation without causing much problem within the whole family relations. Just not to stop the financial support abruptly.
Realizing a good business venture here in the Philippines is dependent on region or place and the kind of business she wants to put up. In Metro Manila, an internet café seems to be making money to some here. KTV or karaoke bar business could be making money too in some areas and near Metro Manila. In other provinces they say poultry farm and hog raising is doing okay. In northern part of Luzon, buying and selling of palay is making good business profit, I’m not sure though if this is viable in the Visayas and Mindanao too. But it really needs to have personal knowledge about a business one is going into. It’s also a plus if you love the business you’re up to. Obviously, KTV or karaoke bar isn’t for someone who don’t like the noise, just kidding.
Nice and helpful article. Cheers.
Hi Feyma – Its always difficult to ask us foreigners living here for advice on how to tackle this particular problem. Having been in the Pinoy’s shoes so to speak living with my wife for 25 years out of the Philippines. Yes we helped but not to the point where they were totally reliant on what we sent. I think she has to be honest with her family and her boyfriend with his. They have to say they will continue to send a small allowance which should be used to help pay for essentials only. They must open an account for themselves with no access to family members and return to the Philippines as little as possible. A small Balikbayan box at Christmas with no more than a token gift will let the family know they are not forgotten.
If they are forthright and strong now I’m sure they will be respected in the longterm.
With regards to a business I would if I were them forget about a business now and work as long as the host country and their employers will allow them to do so that way they will have a bigger nest egg and maybe a better opportunity when they eventually return to live here.
Regards.
Jim.
Hi feyma its funny my wife and i have just been talking about the same thing,we are sending formula to her sister for her new baby and money to her aunty to help her survive ,i suppose it is in the culture that they will look after each other when the need arrises to us sending 100.00 aus a month to her aunty is not really abig deal ,and the formula for her sisters child is easy , i supporteda foundation here for underprivalaged children here but never new what my money was doing ,at least this way i know it is going to be usedto help another family member ,i just hope that others dont see this as a free meal ticket as it is meant for uanty and aunty only ,the others are working and as aunty is doing laundry work to try to earn money at 53 i think she can and deserves a bit of comfort if we ever build a house there we want aunty to live in ti while we are away that way we know that it will be looked after,as for the young couple they are in a bit of a quandry ,how do you tell someone that you will no longer support them because you want to start your own future ,especially when it is your parents i do not envy that task as it would be very devastating ,the one thing that i have noticed is that if one member is getting support from overseas then just about every one else thinks it is theres as well ,we have layed down specific rules that the money we send to aunty is hers and hers alone ,but i think we secretly know that most likely wont be the case aunty is to kind hearted .
chris
Very interesting Feyma, for two reasons.
It shows how much pressure is often put on Filipina by their family. I refuse to judge that myself as it is Filipino culture and it is not my place to judge but to observe. There are strong family ties among many Filipino and we’ve lost that to a large extent in the West. This letter is one of the best examples of that I’ve seen.
The other interesting thing I got from this, I’ve seen Bob write about how your more Western thinking made things a little interesting for you when you returned to the Philippines. Your comments help to make that more clear for me. 🙂
Nice article Feyma
I tend to think that any of us people in the world..does not mater if Philipino,vn..american,chinese or what ever we may be, if we get some thing for free we soon tend to think we are entitled to it…Just look at those in the USA and all the entitlements they or some receive…well fare..medicare for kids whos parents or some earn over $50,000.00 a year…wow…sure a lot of Fillipinos would love that wage and free health care for their kids…free school lunch…wow sure a lot of Fillipinos would love if their kids could have a free lunch….and how about food banks….if you make below a certain fig money wise….hey just drive over to your local food baak and stock up….sure that a lot of those very poor Fillipinos with 5 kids or more or less would love to be able to walk or ride the jeepeny over to the food bank and get a lot of free foods…problem is…probably no such thing there in the Philippines. How about this one..lose your job in USA no problem get 99 weeks of unemployment benifits and sit on your butt on stand by and not get to excited about finding a new job……wow sure a lot of Fillipinos would love to get 99 weeks of unemployment if lost their job and oh, yes….also a food stamp card so you can go to the grocery store and load up….yep…sure a lot of entitlements here in the usa and those on them cry they are so poor and do not know what to do..cry cry cry me a river………yes for most if you added up the vaule of all they get in those entitlements for a lot be over $2,000.00 month…..wow..sure many Fillipinos love to get $2,000.00 every month in entitlements……Yes…after reading many comments here can see this is a tough one for the OFW to cut off the flow of money to their family….but if they do not figure something out…how they make it when they come home…after all they do not have the free lunch that those who live in USA have and who also complain all the time how little they have and how hard it is to live on 99 weeks of unemployment and free health care and food stamp card and free school lunches and even some times free schooling and etc….so yes……hard question for the OFW on what to do……my heart goes out to them….because no free food stamo card for them when they come home and no job…no 99 weeks of unemployment…….no free medical care….no wick card so they can get milk and cheeze and etc for free because they have young kids at home…..probably no free anything after they lose there job…..so if they do not plan or make a plan on how to take care of theirselfs when they do come back home…….who will……..those that they have been sending most of their OFW wages home 2……..I doubt that 100 percent….tought spot to be in the way I look at it…….Now……how can i fig out how to get me one of them or some of them free entitlement cards here in the USA….just joking…..none of that is for me….and a shame on how big a waste those programs are here in the land of the free and home of the what????…..
Hi Dan
They all of the benefits that you have mentioned in your post plus a few more in Australia. Thats probably why its tagged the “lucky country” i guess. But still, some of those that receive all those free hand outs complain they need more. At one time in my life i used to feel sorry for them and champion their cause, then i started to travel overseas to countries and places like the Philippines and see what it was like to be really poor with no assistance from their goverment, that really opened my eyes and now i have no time for my fellow countrymen who receive free handouts and still whinge they are hard done by. No i prefer to champion the OFW these days who work so hard and make so many sacrifices to support their own, lets face it if they didnt, then who the hell would. Its ok to say they should get a job, but its not that easy as we all now to work in the Phil…even shop assistants earning 300 peso a day are useally required to have had a good schooling and college background, so then it gets back to the vicious cirlcle again, if the family is poor to start with how do they fund their kids for schooling.
Femya,
The money situation in the family is a very sticky one. I have been overseas for many years and have seen Filipinas and Filipinos send all their money back to family. I have seen them work here for 20 years and not have a thing for themselves. I just hope that this couple will start a small fund aside for themselves. They could still help the family but slowly cut it back.
I think most of the comments have been good comments. I to struggle with supporting family members that only want to drink and gamble. I do not feel people like these deserve a peso. If you want my help you will try to help yourself also.
I wish the couple good luck in what they decide.