Just wanting to write a follow up on the “Dear Feyma: Please Advise” column that I wrote a few weeks ago. I got a private email and said that he is happy to be married to an older lady. And that she stayed in the house not in the bar hanging out. I responded to him and told him “good for you.” I’m really happy it worked out well for him.
I knew some friends in the States before that said similar statements as the emailer said. I also knew a friend in the States I think she was the youngest one on our group of women. She married a guy from Hungary but a US citizen already. He must be on his 50’s at that time. The girl being young, likes to hang out with her other set of friends a few times a week and go disco dancing and drinking. The husband sometimes complained and told us ladies about the rendezvous of his wife and we told him to tell her. He just gave us a grin. Really I think he just didn’t care of what his wife was doing as long as the she comes home to him. The wife really drinks, she even told us girls that we should go out one night bar hopping. Hmm, a few of us said we’ll pass on that. A lot of us don’t drink so its a waste of time to go out. She told us that just hanging out at one of our friends house without any liquor is totally boring. I think she got bored with our group. Her and her hubby moved to California later.
That lady, when she visits the Philippines, the whole time she’s here she will go out with her friends partying. One barbecue party with our friends and both of us were invited I asked her what does her husband and her family think of her being as if she’s a party animal she was just smiling and she’s really proud of it though. She said
hubby doesn’t know I’m partying hard in the Philippines when I’m there. He knows that I go out but he didn’t know I party hard. Of course my family were against it but nothing they can do about it.
The thing is if they will tell the husband the wife will make herself good to her hubby and hubby will believe her and she will tell hubby to cut off the support for the family. Her dad is in bad health so in short they really need the support. I heard of the statement first from this lady about “the reason I go out and have fun now because I have the money now. I grew up poor and didn’t have fun before.”
I know some friends married to foreigners who were in their late 40’s and like to hang out in the bar a few times a week without their husband. They drink, play pool or poker and other games. They like to hang out a lot now since they had the money to do it. They didn’t have this kind of life growing up.
I met a friend a few years back here in the Philippines. She’s in her early thirties when I met her, she’s married to a foreigner. He must be in his mid seventies. I could tell you both the lady and the guy both loved each other. He is a little sickly and just wants to stay home all the time. The lady on the other hand wants to have friends and she hangs out with her friends a lot. She said that she didn’t have time to hang out before because she had to work hard to support her family. Since the husband wants to stay home she would just wait until the husband fell asleep then she would go out with her friends. She would just tell the maid that she’s out and be back later. The husband knew that she went out a lot of nights each week to be with her friends. She said when I meet her that she goes out at night but she’s faithful to her hubby. I haven’t seen and heard from here in a long time now. I wonder if they’re still here in the Philippines. I’ve known a lot here in Davao that go out and have fun. They still are married to their respective husband. As long as they have the trust I guess that works. If the husband agreed with it then why not.
It just different in everyone of us. I just don’t want to go out and hang out in the bar. I just don’t have the time and desire to be there. I just want to spend time with my hubby and kids. We are happy just hanging out on our backyard and doing the barbecue. That is really our fun time. Tell me I’m weird but its okay. We are just different.
Cheers!
Hi feyma i am glad that my wife doesnt drink as i am not into discos or the pub scene ,we went out one night to my sisters wedding reception and my wife had a fair bit of varied alchol to drink not going silly but just continuous well this changed her mind the next morning about drinking she didnt drink much in the phills and i dont drink much here either i think tht if we lived there and she wanted to go out all the time partying i think i would have to revaluate the marriage ,if you go out you should go together even though we all need our own space at times but if you are married you should want to do things together if it means that you dont go to the bars alone then so be it a night out wiiith the girls is fine in moderation but to do it all the time and to go home on holidays and do this behavour behind your husbands back is very poor at least thats my opinion anyway
chris
Hi chris – Good for you guys.
Some people really enjoyed hanging out in the bar. Then gets in trouble and too drunk to even remember it. Thank you so much for your nice comment.
Good to see you here! Take care.
Hi Feyma,
Bob is a lucky, lucky man!
Ingat,
Mark G.
Hi Mark G. – Thank you very much.
Take care!
Hi Feyma..great post always fun to read your posts here…You have a special way of saying stuffs and like to read your posts..No! You are not weird..You just vaule what you have there and your family and your Husband lucky to have you and know you fell lucky and proud to have all of them….and of course I know they know that…maybe it is the others that are weird..a lot of men and women are like that..always looking over the fence for greener grass..never quite happy with how things are now in their life or with what they have and etc.
That is why some here tell their kids..sow your wild oats [go out and have all ur fun and ect 1st] then when you grow up and are ready for the responsiblity of what marriage and having a husband or a wife and family is all about then maybe it is time to think about that step in life…
My self would never want or consider having a realtionship with a woman that felt she needed to be out and about 2 or 3 nites or so a week with her girl friend and ect…letting it all hang out at the bar and ect…I all ready learned that lesson many sun sets and full moons ago…….so..instead of thinking you maybe are weird…maybe just think you are special…far from weird and sure your Husband and family would agree 100 plus percent that you are special…….
Hi Dan – I’m really happy that you enjoyed reading our site and my post. I’m thankful to you guys for sharing your thoughts and advice here.
Hey, thank you so much for the nice words for me. Highly appreciated.
Good to see you here again. Take care!
You are defiantly not weird! I think you guys are the norm. I never dealt with this as my wife and I are the same age, well actually she is a year older then me but we share the same views in life. Both of us did the bar etc thing a long time ago and have no need to “sow our wild oats”. The BBQ in the back yard thing is the best.
Being married to a 70 year old at the age of 30 is 40 years difference. Of course shes going to go out on him lol Hell so would I of course gold digger comes to mind in that situation but who am I to judge. Kinda reminds me of a stripper I once new, she said I quote ” when I’m ready to quit dancing ill find a old rich bastard from the club and marry his ass” Now she was a party animal lol.
Hi jack – Thank you so much for the nice word for me. I really appreciate very much.
Yes, some ladies just wanted to get what they can get after marrying the older guy. But then at the end she’s still not happy with life.
You had a good quote there that I hope our reader will think about.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Take care!
Hi Feyma;
My wife has her habit of every afternoon going to her mother’s house, about a 5 minutes’ walk away. There she visits with her brothers and sisters and her mom. While there, they play bingo, or cards and yak-yak. The rest of the time we’re pretty much together, going to friends houses or meeting them for lunch or supper. Or using our new “Mindanao Bob’s Deluxe BBQ Grill”, we just built.
Her sister and she take the car to town to do shopping once a week at the market, and I go, if we’re shopping on the Subic Freeport. She gets her couple of hours away from me, and I know she needs that! Disco’s (I found out means, dis foot go here, dis foot go there.) and bars are long gone from our lives, and neither of us miss it. And I hope we’re not weird?
Disco…too funny! LOL!!!
Hi Paul – What can I say. You really had a good time…
Hey with the “Mindanao Bob’s Deluxe BBQ Grill” you must really be a busy guy there cooking. You must liked that grill though? We loved our grill.
If we are weird I think in a good way. 😉
You are not weird. You have your priorites straight and that is a great accomplishment. Life is about choices and all choices have consequences. All choices have posititves and negatives and you have to weigh them to see what is best for you and your family.
Of course I am a prude and believe if one chooses to get married they should also make the choice to stay out of bars and drinking without their spouse. I have no problem with a group of women getting together to talk and socialize. I have no problem with a group of men doing the same. I have a problem when either married men or women get together and act as if they are still single.
A few years back at a Christmas party a married couple was carrying on as if they were single and what I have never figured out was why they both felt the need to come up to me before I left and apoligize for their lewd behaviour. It seem to me then and today they should have apologized to each other and sought forgiveness from each other, not me. Obviously there coming to me meant they themselves felt they had done something wrong.
I have always tried to live by the rule “If you do not respect yourself no one else will.”
A Man’s a fool if he lets his wife go out and drink and party like that. Again if your a real man your wife will be a real woman to you..
Hi Feyma
In most walks of life were there is quite a gap in the spouses ages the youngest one feels they must still go out on the town like when they were single. There are people who realise each has to give a little leeway to the other, but there are plenty of activities to do without behaving disrespectfully to your partner.
It seems to be more prevalent even among partners that are around the same age of each other. In some cases ‘womens rights’ have been taken a bit too far. they then wonder why there marriages end in divorce.
Marjorie
I honestly don’t understand the desire to go out to discos and bars. Maybe it’s just me. I know back home, people my age would like to have parties around bon-fires. When I talked to Americans online in cities, they’d talk about ‘clubbing’ (something I never heard of). I guess it differs for youth in locations.
Here though, many of the youth I have known seem to see going out like that as ‘liberated’ behavior. I saw this brought up about a star from Davao, and relating her to this behavior. It is also a stereotype put on Ateneo students, as from what I noticed.
I do notice, as well, that many people my age, who seem to be rich, do party out and stuff. Maybe it depends on mindset that comes from an economical class. I don’t see the behavior as part of the norm though.
I have read blogs from ex-expats who say they don’t like Filipinas. They’d say bad things like “all Filipinas like is going bar hopping, sleeping around, blah blah blah”. That’s totally different from the norm, and also their mention of asking for money, well I think of that as a gold digging problem.
In this case, I don’t know what the girl’s problem is. Whatever it is, it isn’t fully normal, based on the Filipinos I know. Marriage or any relationship has the submission of commitment in certain ways, and going out alone cannot be trusted depending on the person. Unless its some girls night out, then okay. But other than that, something seems odd.
Your not weird. You are just a good,faithful woman who loves her family:)
Hi Feyma.. Nice post,I’ve been checking out LIP for quiet awhile now. My husband introduced me to this site. I got married to an american just recently, my husband and I have 20 years age gap,I’m 24. Back in College I had my fair share of going out and hanging out with my friends,but that was all behind me now. I am married now, settled in and I want to stay settled.
Why I don’t go out with my friends any more? Well to start of I have good friends that’s been with me for years now. The moment they knew that i was getting married they said ” well going out & partying is over for you now”, and I myself know that a married women isn’t supposed to be seen on bars unless they have their husbands with them. I may still hangout with my friend and catch up on some things but it won’t be in a bar, could be in a coffee shop or a pizza resto. Most of the time they just visit me over at my house. I love and respect my husband and i don’t want to disappoint him in any way possible because he’s been doing the same thing. For me it’s just not acceptable to see wives partying with their friends on a bar, everything about it is just not right.
Your husband is a lucky guy:)
The problem is not whether people want to drink or go out to bars. Those are legitimate ways to have fun and completely legal. There’s nothing “immoral” about them.
The problem is when two people get married who have very different ideas of what “fun” is. If I like going out to bars and drinking and dancing and my partner doesn’t, then we’re not a very good match for each other, are we?
If you’re a stay-at-home type of person, then I would advise that you find yourself a stay-at-home type of mate. Otherwise, you’re just asking for trouble.