As you can imagine, through this blog and my other blogs, I get a lot of e-mails from people who are thinking of moving here. I also talk to a lot of other ex-pats who live here. Often times, if you are in the mall or whatever, you see other foreigners. Sometimes I strike up a conversation with the other foreigners, and some of the things you learn are fascinating.
One topic that is always a little fun is to ask a person where they decided to live when they moved to the Philippines, and why.
If you ask a guy who still has not moved to the Philippines, but intends to move, where he plans to live, almost all the time, the answer is “My wife is from XYZ, so we will live there.” So, they settle in on the area where their wife is from as their choice for their new home.
If you meet an ex-pat who has lived here for a while, and ask about where he has lived in the Philippines, here is what you usually hear: “Well, my wife is from XYZ, so when we moved here, we settled in XYZ. After a year, or two, we couldn’t live there anymore, so we moved to ABC.” I will ask… “why couldn’t you live there anymore?” The answer is always the same – “had to get away from the wife’s family!” Ha ha… it always works out like this.
So, just to reiterate, guys who plan to move here invariabley choose to live in their wife’s hometown. After moving to the wife’s hometown, after a year or two, most guys either move somewhere else, or want to.
Why is it like that? Well, I can’t give every answer, but I’ll tell you about my experience.
My wife grew up in the area around General Santos City. When we moved back to the Philippines, we settled there in GenSan, maybe 2 or 3 kilometers from the house of my in-laws. I quickly learned that 2 or 3 kilometers was too close. I rarely had any privacy. The in-laws would show up at any time of the day or night, just to hang out there. It would not be unusual that I would have 5, 10, even 15 in-laws hanging out at the house. Of course, this meant that they were eating there, drinking, whatever. It costs money to have guests all the time like that. But, the worst part was not the money it costs, but the lack of privacy. I got to the point where if I was at home, I would just go hang out and watch TV in the bedroom, leaving all the in-laws hanging out in the rest of the house. For many, another thing that happens is that the in-laws ask for money all the time. I am lucky, my in-laws don’t ask for money, at least they don’t ask very often. So, basically, for many guys who live in their wife’s hometown, they have constant requests for money, no privacy in their house, etc. It’s not a good situation.
To be honest, in our experience, even Feyma wanted more privacy, and thus wanted to move away from General Santos. It’s funny, in the society where I came from (USA), privacy is something that we value. We like having time alone, not having a lot of people around all the time. Feyma lived in the USA for 10 years, and she got used to that lifestyle. Here in the Philippines, the society is different. People like having big groups of people at the house. Gathering of all the extended family is important to people here. In the US, I have cousins that I haven’t seen in 30 years. Here, even your 4th or 5th cousin is just “part of the family.” It’s just not the same.
After living in General Santos for 2 years, we decided to move to Davao City, which is about 150 Kilometers north of General Santos. It’s about a 2 1/2 hour drive in your own car. It’s 3 1/2 hours or more on the bus. We didn’t move here just because of the family, but for a number of reasons. We didn’t realize until after moving here how nice it was to have a little distance from the family. I like it, and so does Feyma, I think.
Don’t take me wrong, we still see Feyma’s family. We go to General Santos regularly, and some of Feyma’s sisters take the bus up here from time to time. But, they know that they should not just show up any time – call us first and see if it would be ok to come at the time they desire. It’s only polite, after all. Feyma’s Mom is old and rather sick. She lives with us, and we care for her. So, it’s not like we have abandoned the family, we’ve just made it a little hard to “live” with us, so to speak.
Anyway, this is just a rundown of my experience regarding living near to family. Everybody’s different, so your experience may be different too. But, my experience mirrors nearly 100% of the other foreigners that I have talked to who live here.
hi bob,
i can't help but read your blogs. you see i got google alert setup to email me for 'gensan' and 'general santos city' keywords. your blogs almost always triggers these alerts daily. not that i mind it, no.
actually i find your blogs interesting…seeing gensan through the eyes of a resident foreigner. it was funny cause i was reading your old blogs yesterday and was wondering why you decided to move to davao. well, i got my answer today. well explained.
i'm also checking out your photoblogs from time to time. nice to see some photo updates from gensan (im here in tokyo).
keep putting up those keywords in your blog so google can continually send alerts for new articles. keep blogging…
cheers,
russel
(brother of job oberio)
Bob,
Another helpful blog, thanks.
As you may recall my wife and I are planning to visit Davao and a few other areas in the Philippines next Winter. She is from Cebu, for the reasons you mentioned in this blog, and because Cebu seems to me to be polluted and congested, I am considering other areas to live in.
Anyway, I'll be following your blogs. Hope to meet you in person next Winter.
Bill
Hi Bill, welcome to the LiP blog! I agree about Cebu. I used to like it alot, but it's grown so big anymore that it's not for me.
Good luck on finding your place, and if I can assist you, don't hesitate to let me know!
Hi Russel – nice to hear from you! I don't think we met before, but I consider Job to be a good friend. If you are back in the Philippines, get in touch with me, I'd like to meet you!
Bob, a thought provoking subject, hahaha, how to live in the Philippines without having family showing up at all hours of the day, thats the trouble with us in the west, we are self dependant, I read this artcile you authored as we stood in the kitchen of our appartment chatting, she laughed and said " Hmmmm yes, thats normal" but dont worry honey, my family will not show up, you just have to be firm with them, and yes I am guilty as charged, I just bought a house in my wife's home city, lets see what happens when we pull up sticks and move there ? will your article come true for me ?
Hi Pete – Don't take me wrong, I love my wife's family! But, as you say, we westerners are pretty self dependent. I don't mind having visitors, but only from time to time, not every day. And, I like it if they let me know they are coming!
Hi bob
I am greek I live in athens greece my wife is philippina
for you very easy because you speak english and also
in philippines speak english for me more difficult I speak greek
and I speak english little. I read this story about the relatives
of your wife they coming in your house every day .and after you hav'not private life. I am thinking about relatives of my wife what I am doing. I have plan to stay in Bacsil barrio of municipality San Juan 20 minutes by bus of city Vigan
Because I am skirt stay and hav'not relatives of my wife nearly
of me of my house. I am retire my pension is no big only 1000 dollars and I am thiking make house in philippines
I am tired of this thinking what I doing . also there is the problem of the foods spesial for the Bread I no like Toast bread. Your very good I like very much you give many information. Before I send you Email maybe you remember me.
Last year I go in Bacsil barrio (vilage) of my wife And I stay
1 month and I look the philippine people they are friendly.
And 1 month I stay in cavite I don't like the cavite.
Best regards
Zois
Hi Zois – Yes, I remember getting your e-mail before! Nice to hear from you again. Regarding the bread, we also don't care for a lot of the bread that is available here. We purchased a bread machine, and we make our own bread much of the time now. Maybe you could do that too?
Bob,
I would also like to add that by moving with your wif'es hometown is much safer than trying to strike it out on your own, especially if you're both unfamiliar with the new environment. Being close to relatives give one that sense of security, especially if the husband has to go back abroad to earn a living. The wife and kids can always run to relatives in case of emergencies. The downside to that is the wife is also accessible to the relatives in case they need financial assistance, which happens often once the relatives know your wife needs them for little small favors (like watch the kids and the house while your wife is out running errands). It's sort of a catch-22 situation.
The way I solve this problem is not to ask for favors (unless it's an emergency) and rely instead on my trustworthy maids to take care of the household while the wife and me are gone. Just make sure you pay the maids handsomely and you won't have a problem earning their full cooperation. Till next time…
Hi Julius – I understand that things work differently for everyone, and I don't dispute you. Having the family around could have positive sides too. For me, I find that our situation works best with the family far enough away that visiting is not an everyday thing, but still easily done.
Hi bob anyway your thoutht (mind) it is very strong this person
bennet is no speak good why if no like why look your site if no like.
I no understand why speak about you like this.
Hi Peter – I am sorry, I am not sure I understand what you mean. If you are talking about Peter Bennet, I don't think he has said anything negative about me at all. He is a nice guy. I wonder, maybe you mis-interpreted something he said?
my name zois no peter
I was in the same situation before when I used to live with my in laws. My wife's family are really nice people but its our relatives that sometimes dont understand the word privacy. I guess its the filipino culture. I live in the states for 11 years now and I have already adapted some of the western culture like being independent and having privacy. A lot of my relatives up to now still looks up to us when they get sick and needs money to pay for their children school tuition. Sometimes we ended up being a bad person if one person gets this kind of help and some dont. I feel guilty sometimes of not being able to help all of them but I have my own family to feed and I work hard to earn money here to be able to pay our bills. I cannot afford to just give and give and give. You know what I mean. The problem with some filipino who has relatives abroad is they think that we are rich since we are earning dollar. They dont know that we have to pay a lot of bills here. Although I can understand their hardship and not able to find a job that can sustain their basic needs. A lot of them just make enough money to eat 2 or 3 times a day. I do feel sad sometimes esp. when Im eating good food all the time and a lot of times we are just throwing away the left overs. I wish I can ship our left overs to the Philippines.
Bob I wonder since you have a lot of readers. You think it would be interesting to tell a story of a poor and struggling family. I've been thinking lately that when I retire, maybe you can help me build my own website like a foundation to help the poor kids who wanted to go to school. I know theres a lot of kids out there at Mindanao who are smart but the family cant send them to school because they dont have money to pay for their allowance and school expenses. Thats just something I wanted to do someday. I hope I have enough courage to be able to do it. I know theres a lot of people out there who have a kind heart and willing to share their blessings even just a dollar a month to very unfortunate children. I give $3 a week allowance to a high school student and its already a lot of help to them. I check their grades, if its good then I give them a gift like a new shoes to encourage themto study harder. I also came from a poor family. I am happy to be where I am now but also sad for those whom I know are really struggling to survive in the Philippines. God Bless Us all….More power to the middle class and rich people. I can only hope and pray to the poor people out there that I cant afford to help.
Hi Jeff – I congratulate you for helping people, especially students who need the assistance for school! It's something that they will remember for the rest of the their lives. Feyma and I like to do that as well.
If you ever decide to make a website, I'll be happy to help you out if I can. 🙂