Live in the Philippines

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I felt good!

Expats, Family / by

I had an experience last Friday that really made me feel good.  I thought I’d tell you about it today.

On Thursday evening, my oldest son, Chris, mentioned to me that he wanted to go get a haircut on Friday.  I needed a haircut myself, as I had not had one in 2 weeks.  I usually get my hair cut every week, but I had been busy and not had a chance to make it to the barber shop, so I told Chris that we would go together on Friday.

I don’t recall having gone with Chris to the barber shop anytime recently.  Usually, all of our kids go for a haircut with their cousin, Deo.  I usually go alone.  We all go to the same barber shop, though.

I enjoy going to the barber shop, because all of the barbers, there are 6 there, know that I can speak Cebuano, and they are friendly to me, and enjoy chatting with me.  One of the subjects that always seems to come up is about my kids, since they know who my kids are.  I never thought much of it, though, I just considered it small talk.

For those who don’t know, my oldest son, Chris, is mentally retarded, or as they would say here, he is a “special child.”  Chris is 18 years old, nearly 19 now.  Chris is one of the big reasons why we decided to move to the Philippines.  We felt that the society here was more accepting of a person with Chris’ disability, and also we knew that the large extended family that we have here would be helpful in raising Chris.  Caring for a person with a disability like what he has is difficult and very demanding on the parents.  Raising Chris here from the age of 8 until now has worked out very well for us, and for Chris too.

When we first got to the barber shop, only 1 of the 6 barbers was available – the other 5 were busy cutting hair.  I told Chris to go ahead of me, and I sat down to read the newspaper.  After 10 minutes or so, another barber was available, so I went and sat down in his chair.  We made small talk, and he began cutting my hair.  After a while I realized that it was quite loud in the place.  Lots of laughing and such going on, which I had overlooked before.  So, I looked around to see what was going on.  I saw that there were about 10 people all gathered around Chris’ chair while his hair was being cut!

It seemed that Chris was telling jokes to the crowd, and everybody was having a great time!  He would tell a joke, or a story, and suddenly everybody would break out in laughter, clapping even.  I sat there silently, just watching in the mirror as my barber continued cutting my hair.  I really enjoyed watching the activities around Chris’ chair.

When Chris was a young child, starting around 2 years old, if we took him anywhere, he would seem to make friends.  When he was sick, we would bring him to the Doctor’s office, and he would go around the waiting room introducing himself to all of the other people waiting there.  He would shake hands, give his name and ask “What are you doing here?”  We would always have a laugh.  Feyma and I would always joke with each other that Chris was probably going to become a politician, the way he would go around and talk to all of the people.

As I sat at the barber shop and observed the happenings around Chris’ area, I could not help but think back at the days with Chris in the doctor’s office, or the grocery store.  He always seemed to make friends.  It really made me happy to see the way things were going.

After they finished cutting Chris’ hair, and they were still working on mine, Chris got up and he would walk around, talking with the various barbers.  He would even open up the drawer at the barber’s station, get a comb out and comb his hair and such.  The barbers would not even bat an eye at this, it was just fine with them.

It was apparent to me that these barbers were his friends.  Not just somebody that had just met him.  Over the years of getting his hair cut at this shop, Chris had really gained a bunch of friends there, and that made me happy.

I always enjoy getting my haircut at a Philippine barber shop.  I enjoyed it even more last Friday, thanks to Chris.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. This is such a great story Bob, probably in my opinion, one of your best. Sure you’ll have the run in’s there in the Philippines that you can and have made us aware of, but those experiences that are from family, that will always stick in your mind and the minds of your readers (me) are absolutely priceless…..
    Thanks for bringing it back home..

    • Hi Louie – Thank you very much. I appreciate your kind thoughts. Yes, there are occasional run-ins with different people and such, but those are rare. There are such incidents in the States or anywhere else in the world too, so it’s not that big of a deal. I am very thankful for my life in the Philippines. I believe that it is a good life for me and all of my family.

  4. Bob, I have learned a lot from you over the years and I hope you know how much I appreciate it. I would trade all of the many past posts I have read of yours for this one if I had to make that choice. Thank you for your genuine and touching story.

    Best to you and your loved ones. Keep safe. Be well.

  7. Bob, I also think that this is one is one of your best. How touching a piece like this can be to your readers. Nothing like bringing the warmth and love of family stories to others…Bravo My Man!

  10. Bob that was a great story,he really brightened your day. 🙂 and probably the barbers also,
    God Bless ..

  12. Hi Bob, I remember an anthropologist saying that we weren’t put on this world to go to university or to make lots of money, but to communicate with each other. That’s what Chris did, we don’t all have that gift, he’ll always have friends.

  15. I love this one, Bob. Chris is the sweetest. I’ll never forget how protective he was of my nephews when we went to visit. It touched me so to see this big guy hovering over the little ones playing that night, making sure they were okay.

    • Hi Mita – Thank you very much. I didn’t realize that Chris made such a good impression on you and Dave. I will tell him that you said hello!

    • Thank you, Paul. Raising Chris has kept Feyma and I busy and at times it has been challenging. As I think about it, though, I suppose that could be said for any kid, by any parent. I am happy with the way Chris turned out.

  17. Great story, Bob … and Hello Chris. I consider myself fortunate to be one of the readers where who has met Chris several times and I came away a better person each time … he’s truly a warm, wonderful person.

    As I was scrolling down to the “Speak Your Mind” box, I was struck by Larry Smith’s comment. So many today seem to be totally about educational achievements and monetary success (or, since 2008,for some, lack of success 🙁 ).

    Life is about so much more than money and college degrees … but some never seem to learn that. I the Philippines, one learns. People here, in my view anyway, are much more tolerant and accepting. You don’t have to be somebody you aren’t, or you don’t have to be what someone else expects you should be. I like that aspect of life here.

  18. Bob, Great story, sounds like Chris is indeed a special child. Very heart warming to hear your experience in the barbershop. By the way a haircut here in Los Angeles is now about 820php

  20. In the summer of my 8th year there was a boy of my age who was visiting relatives who lived down the street from me. He was disadvantaged with a speech problem and a learning disability.
    His name was Craig. He had a happy personality. We became best friends during his 2 week stay there. When he left his parents were so happy for our friendship that they bought me a toy truck as a present. That gift confused me a bit. I didn’t need a present for being his friend. We were just friends, that’s all. I never saw him again after that. I think about him now and then to this day. I hope he is doing well and has a happy life.

    Everyone is beautiful in their own special way.

    Thank for your happy story. It brought back this memory of my childhood to reflect on.

    Jade

  28. Very touching story, Bob. You and Feyma chose the right place to Bring up Chris — there is no way that story would have played out the same way here in the states — not even in rural America.

    Take care. –Rich–

    • Hi Rich – Thank you, I’m glad that you enjoyed the story. I agree that these days, such a story would be very unlikely to happen in the USA. People are too busy to worry about somebody like Chris. The type of life here is a blessing for him.

  30. Bob, I deeply admire the decision that you and your wife made to move to a more compatible place for your son. If only more parents cared that much. Also your comment about extended family underscores a great benefit that we have sadly mostly lost in the US.
    Jack

  33. As you described the Barber Shop, it brought back the vision of the Barber Shop I used to go to when I was a kid. Not many places like that exist in this area any more. By comparison, with most people there having so much less, it seems that in general there are so many nice things they have to offer. The friendships your son Chris has made at the Barber Shop are one of these things. Thanks for sharing the experience with us Bob.

    • Hi Bob – Yes, the barber shops here are a throwback to what a barber shop in the States was some 30 or 40 years ago or more. It’s a thing of the past in the USA, but alive and well in the Philippines.

  34. Thank you for this inspiring story Bob. I did not realize your son was mentally handicapped but then again how would I know unless you told me.

    The “special child” comment is so true as my sister in law is a “special child” as well. The whole family loves her so much as well as do I. Having people in the family like your son and my Sister in law are a great blessing and they have a lot to teach the rest of us about life and love. Thank you so much for this story.

  35. Hi Bob- Being the parents of a handicapped child is never an easy task at the best of times. Living however amidst a society that cares and understands the problem and treats the child as a human being and not a leper is a God send.
    The only discrimination I have encountered here in the Philippines with handicapped children in my work with Bethany is ironically amoungst the Ex-pat community not all I may add but a few.
    I’m sure Chris is a son to be proud of for you and Feyma.
    All the best.
    Jim.

    • Hi Jim – Thank you for your kind words. It saddens me to hear that you have experienced discrimination from the expat community toward handicapped kids at Bethany. What a shame.

  38. Thank you Bob for sharing this very inspiring true to life story. I am a father too and I salute to your concern and unselfish sense of obligation to your Kids. I think and I agree with your readers that this your best post. God Bless you Amigo…

    • Thank you, my friend. I’m glad that you enjoyed the article. Of course, I feel an obligation to my kids… that’s what being a father is all about after all! 😉

  39. great story and nice to hear.
    my own experience is very similar. i have a physical disability and use a wheelchair, yet wherever we go in davao i find people extremely kind and helpful if i ever need help.
    i feel very accepted and not at all excluded, as is your son

  41. It’s always a surprise when we first realize our children are weaving a life of their own outside our sphere of influence.

    • I think that’s true, Nick, and thanks for bringing it up. For Chris, with his disability, I do not believe that he can ever totally weave a life of his own outside the sphere of somebody in the family, but it is certainly surprising, yet very nice, to see him moving in that direction!

  42. Bob,
    Great way to start a Monday! I am with the others on here that this maybe one of the best post to date that I have read on here. It is always heartwarming to hear the joy of a Father while talking about his son! There is so much abuse to children you read about these days, it is good to hear a story of true love for a child!
    Tell Chris hello. Let him know if I ever need my hair cut in Davao I will look you all up and I can get my hair cut and have the entertainment also!

    • Hi Steve – Your comment brought a smile to my face! Thank you! If you get a haircut in Davao, I will send Chris along for the entertainment value! 😆

  43. hi there bob….im glad that an american like you shares to the world how wonderful a place philippines is, particularly flipinos value of love and care for the family. you are a great father and provider to your family and i admire you for that…being with a happy family is indeed life’s greatest fulfillment…feyma and you are wonderful parents!

  46. Hello Bob, I held my breath on this one & waited if anyone would point it out here but none so far. Every one was positive about and rightly so. You once pointed out that “you’ve been away from the states for so long” and for this instance I have this feeling that this may illustrate why. You see Bob, there’s been a great discussion about the word “retarded” both in national (Palin’s) & local level (CBS Chicago has a movement to have this word banished from everyone’s vocabulary). & this spilled over in fB where “friends” have ceased to become “friends” because of their very strong opinions about it. Of course you couch “retarded” with the adjective mentally but even so from the way the outrage over that term here, I personally cannot say “mentally retarded” here w/o fear of the earth opening & swallowing me. For fear of being considered by Americans as anything less, I rather drop that word and just use “special child” or “he has mental retardation”. It seems to me here that the term ‘mentally retarded’ is only appropriate word in psychology classes.
    Now let me proceed to my main point. I am heartened that generally, non-Filipinos in this discussion find the Phil friendly to people w/ disabilities. When I read things like these, I go “really?” For the most part, the Phil has no decent sidewalks much less easy access ramps for wheelchair bound people. Now for people with other kinds of disability, I do not particularly remember the Phil as “accepting” as some people in this discussion observed. On the other hand, I find Americans ( & I have to meet or see a single one who is not) quite accepting of other disabilities. They spring to action when a wheelchair bound person gets into the bus. In the Phil, it is not uncommon to refer to a person by his disability. There’s no malice intended there but I think there’s no attempt of being sensitive either.

    • Hi Mike, I totally agree with Roy about his observations comparing individuals with mental challenges in the US and the Philippines. We can’t lose sight of the fact that the US has greatly improved the lot and options and self esteem of “challenged” individuals, and the way that they are perceived by others. Of course no situation is perfect, and probably different regions and states do things differently, but many options and advantages are now available. The Philippine family unit might be more accepting and tender to a mentally challenged family member, as is the Filipino nature of being very patient and loving, but so far on the whole I agree with Roy that the Philippines and it’s people do not yet recognise mental illness, autism and other mental challenges with much insight or sensitivity.
      Mike, the he points that you make about your cousin are from your individual experience. or possibly more the norm in Canada, although I doubt that.
      As Roy also writes about, this does not take away from the fact that Chris sounds like a lovely person who has a lot going for him regardless of his challenges. He has been blessed with a sweet and likable nature that will serve him well in life. Traits that many more “abled” people lack. I’m glad that he is happy and doing well. He’s got loving parents and family members, and a following of friends that he has won over by himself.

      • Hi queenie – I am sorry, but as somebody who is directly involved in the raising and care of a mentally retarded son, I have to disagree. The US way of dealing with it is to push such a person into a situation that they cannot understand or learn, only to make everybody else feel better because they “treated him just like everybody else.” But, the person affected (like Chris) is not just like everybody else and needs special help, not just being pushed in with all of the others, because it makes society feel good.

        • Hi Bob, I never said that Chris didn’t need special help, I didn’t mention mainstreaming anyone or pressuring anyone beyond their capabilities. I even said that he seemed to have strengths and traits that will help him greatly.
          I never inferred that I questioned your decisions about Chris growing up in the Philippines–I have no business doing so. I’m not saying that Chris would have fared better there or in the Philippines, and I’m not saying that any one place is better for any one individual. I’m just feeling that I think that there have been improvements in the US over the years. As an example, looking at the mainstreaming of the Special Olympics and how community related activities have raised awareness and brought confidence to many special individuals. Independence in housing and in the workplace has been another area for change…
          All things considered, there is no perfect situation, and it is up to caring families and knowledgable people to find the right place and setting for each individual.
          There is no doubt that the Philippines has different strenghts that other cultures don’t that might make it a better choice, but sometimes it irritates me that lately on LIP there has been a general viewing of things in “black and white” without giving credence to the grey areas of situations. I would hate to see LIP to become “LIP Lite” where everyone agrees with everyone else and no thoughtful differing discussion takes place that might be relevant. Why live or spend time in a place different from your own, if thoughtful opinions are not expressed from all sides?

          I was under the impression that LIP was a place to explore all possibilities and thoughts relating to the Philippines.

          • Hi queenie – I think you mis-interpreted what I said. I was not mad at you, nor did I think I was being mean to you. I did not say that you talked about mainstreaming and such. But, my understanding is that you were agreeing with Roy. My response to Roy was about mainstreaming and such. You said that the USA had made improvements in how people like Chris are treated and such. As a person who has dealt with the way it is done in the USA, I disagree, that’s all. I don’t know, perhaps you also have experience dealing with the way that people like Chris are handled in the USA. If you do, and your experience is different than mine, I apologize. I want to say, though, that I did not mean to slight your comment in any way… I only replied based on my experience with the way that the US system works. Maybe we have different experiences.

            I believe that I have always welcomed and even sought out a myriad of opinions on LiP. In fact, if I did not want other opinions than my own, I would not even have other writers – only me. But, that is now what I want for LiP. I do not believe that if one person shares an opinion, that means that another person should not reply with a differing view. I feel that I only replied to your opinion with my own view, which is based on a lot of experience in dealing with the way the system works. If that has made you upset, or made you feel slighted, I apologize, sincerely, to you. My intention was only to share my experience, though, and I did that honestly.

    • Hi Roy – Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your kindness. I am going to say some things that may sound like I am mad at you or that I strongly disagree with you. I just want you to know that I have no animosity toward you, and what I am going to say is not personal toward you. I only say it in response to you because you raised the points. So, don’t feel bad, or feel that I am angry at you…. because I am not.

      I find much of what you say, Roy, to be part of a whole “political correctness” movement in the USA. You mention the whole word “retarded” and mention the Palins. The Palin family does not have a mentally retarded child. They have a child with Autism. Autism and Mental Retardation are two completely different things – not related to each other in any way at all.

      In the States…. people will call others a “retard” and such… I do not like this, because it is used in a derogatory way toward people who are not even retarded. Frankly, I also do not like the Filipino way of saying that Chris is a “special child”. He may be special, but that has nothing to do with his mental handicap. He is retarded. It is just a fact. His brain did not develop fully – the development was retarded. It is not meant in a derogatory way, it is a simple fact, and a medically correct term. By saying he is a “special child” or that he is “mentally challenged,” to me, just sweeps it under the rug, and is something that people think is more polite to say. I do not find it impolite or demeaning to say that Chris is retarded, because that is what the truth is. No need to sugar coat it. Here in the Philippines a “special child” can mean any kind of disability. It might mean that he is in a wheelchair, has a mental retardation, or thousands of other disabilities. It leaves one wondering “hmm… what is really wrong with him?” I prefer to just be up front and say what his condition is.

      In the USA, people like Chris are “mainstreamed” into classes with everybody else who has a normal mental capacity. They are forced into classes where they don’t belong, and then are just given passing grades so that they can keep up with the other kids their age. The fact is that this is a huge disservice toward somebody like Chris, because somebody who is mentally retarded needs special attention, special instruction and such. Just putting him into a class and passing him along is not doing a service to somebody like Chris, it is just helping society feel better about their own actions, because they don’t want to make the impaired individual feel bad. But, it is not a service toward the impaired.

      These are just my thoughts, roy. Having raised a mentally retarded son for nearly 19 years, I believe that I am qualified to say these things, and I certainly have no malice toward people like Chris… I love him dearly, after all. I simply do not believe that sweeping his condition under the rug serves him in any way.

      Again, roy, I have no malice toward you, just explaining my feelings on the topic that you raised.

      • Hello Bob, 🙂 I appreciate very much the way you addressed my thoughts. Just like you Bob, I did not see any problem calling a spade a spade. But for most Americans, terms are not for the sole of purpose of being “PC’ only but they should be “sensitive” to others. For example, you cannot call an idiotic person “retarded” because that’s being insensitive to those suffering from mental retardation whose family members are the ones that protest. In both instances, there seem to be a consensus that the word should be dropped from polite conversation. But then again I am not sure if “He is (mentally) retarded” is really offensive. “That is so gay” is offensive to some. But then “He is gay” (homosexual) is not (hopefully!) as it just states a fact, as you said. In tagalog, there’s a bit of chauvinism going on when for example a decision of the court is described as “bakla” because it is ambiguous or not as categorical as they thought it should be. When a decision is described as bad, it’s bakla! How unfair! 🙂
        But I digress. Hay…language.

        • Hi Roy – I hear you, and I agree with much of what you are saying. I disagree a bit (only a bit) on the whole thing about calling an idiotic person “retarded” and such… but that’s just a small thing anyway, and not something I’m worried about.

          Yes, I understand what you mean about the “gay” comment, and language issues in general. Here in the Philippines, they do tend to make such comments without much consideration of how inappropriate it might be. No question on that! 😆

  47. I was surprised to read that you and Feyma believed that it would be easier for your son in The RP, as I would have thought that acceptance would be more forthcoming in The U.S.A. . Then again, I remember a cousin of mine who was mentally challenged & that my aunt & uncle kept him isolated from the public. When he stayed with another aunt for a year, he learned how to do many things for himself & experience the world, but that year was, sadly, wasted. When my aunt & uncle became aged, they put my cousin in a residential care facility, god knows where.

    It sounds as though Chris is going to have a bright future that is his to control. Fantastic!

    Great article, Bob!

    • Hi Mike – In the USA, there is not, in my opinion, “acceptance” of people with conditions like Chris has. There is an attitude of “let’s treat him just like everybody else and ignore his special needs, then he will feel like there is nothing wrong with him.” There is a policy of sweeping such a condition under the rug and ignoring it, hoping that this will make him feel good. That is what I see, and how I saw Chris as being treated in the States. When Chris was in school in the States, he was forced (“mainstreamed”) into classes with everybody else his age, and pushed forward, even if he really did not learn the material being taught. What he needed was special help and instruction. Instead of being taught math concepts and such, which he did not understand, he needed to be taught how to live a full life, how to be able to maneuver around society and such. In fact, all of the practical things that he needed to learn were ignored, and the schools acted like he was learning the same things that all of the other kids learned. He was given passing grades so as not to offend him or make him feel bad – even though he did not learn the stuff, because he was mentally incapable of learning such things.

      Here in the Philippines, we have concentrated on teaching Chris how to live a full life. How to ride a jeepney to the store or to the mall. How to know how much money to pay if he wants to buy a snack. How much change he should get when he pays certain amounts of money, stuff like that. Here in the Philippines, we can legally concentrate his education on real life skills. In the States, we are mandated to just push him through the process “learning” things that he really will not be able to apply in his life. Not only that… but he really was not learning those things anyway, he was only given grades by the education system that would indicate that he knew those things, even though he did not. To not pass him into the next grade might offend him or make him feel bad, so just pass him… it’s not fair to him in the long run.

      By teaching Chris real life skills instead of long division… he won’t have to end up in residential care. He can live a life that will be normal for him given his handicap. I think it it not only fair, but beneficial to him.

      Acceptance is one thing we came here for… but for us, the big factor is assistance for us. Raising a person with a challenge like Chris has is a very big job. It is a job that demands virtually 24 hour attention. Many marriages break up because of the stress of handling such a situation. My extended family in the States loves Chris, but they do not have the time, nor the cultural pressure to really assist greatly in raising him. Here, there are dozens of family members who assist in his care, and in an understanding way.

      Thank you, Mike, I appreciate your comment.

      • Thanks for the detailed explanation, Bob! I never thought of it from that perspective, but it makes perfect sense. Well, I did learn a new thing today!

  53. Hi Bob,
    A truely heart touching story,and i can tell you felt very proud of Chris.
    Regards,Chas.

  54. Kamusta ka Bob,

    What a great story Bob !! You and Feyma both wrote some very touching stories this week, thanks for sharing.

    Amping,
    Danny

    PS. They charged me 50 peso’s for a haircut in Maasin City, I gave the guy 200 peso’s..and he had great big smile on his face. Only had he realized I usually pay like $12.00 for that same haircut back home….plus tip!!..haha 😉

    • Hi Danny – Thank you, I’m glad that you enjoyed both of our articles! We also pay P50 here… I give a P20 tip… can’t go overboard! 😆

    • hi Danny

      u are very lucky to pay just $12.00 as we here in australia can pay some time up to $24.00 for a hair cut here and it is no way as good a one as u get there in the phill thay are the best hair cut yet that i have ever had mate and to that i say to them god bless…….

      from peter martin tassie…..down under

  55. Hi bob nice story it is good that there is not the stigma attached to these children as there is in the west , as you say they are special children all they offer is friendship ,one of my mates was a carer at a home here in adelaide for these children and adults he had a great time he would play touch footy with them ect and he told me they were very strong ,i to like the barbers in the phillipines i must admit i was a bit shocked at first when they started to massage my head but got used to it here it is all about time and how rough they can be yank your head back pulll your hair my father actually told one woman of she treated him that roughly anyway nice story i hope chris makes lots more friends
    chris

    • Hi Chris – Indeed, I always enjoy the massage that the barber gives me after cutting my hair! The barbers here sure know how to treat a person! 😀

  56. god bless Bob

    that is a lovely story mate and like ur son i all so have disability too mate it happend over 35 years a go on the way home from school i was hit and run over by a car and was told then i would never work let alone get marrried mate but just after i meet my first wife i went out to look for a job as i was no long wonting to beg for help it iwaas time to help my self and the first job i got was picking i di that for 10 long weeks and then i put in for a new job in the meat works and have been doing that for the lst 10 years i is hard work but keeps u fit mate and what i am trying to say here mate no matter what u have there is some oen out there just like ur self so god bless ur son all the best mate as he as his life to live andi know he will live it the best he can

    from peter martin tassie

    • Hi Peter – Thank you for sharing your story, it is very inspiring to hear from somebody who overcame the odds through hard work! Congratulation, my friend!

  57. Aloha Bob, I also dream of raising my family at Davao someday. You are a great Dad. God bless you and your family. Akong house diay sa fuente tulip drive available for rent by January 2011 basi naaka friend mangita place later duplex amo house 2 bedrooms first floor 2 bedrooms pud 2nd floor.
    Ingat always and have a blessed day!

  58. Lami na uli sa Davao Bob pero daghan kaau mi relatives nga nagpait klangan ug tabang. Maghimo sa mi 3 ka balay una mi mo retire dinhaa para naami income. mopalit siguro ko lote sa samal puhun para silingan ta. 35t diay ang rent sa amo house furnished na.

  59. I’m surprised Chris was pushed into mainstream at school. There are so many special ed classes in public school implemented for kids like Chris. My sister in law is a special ed teacher and I know about the programs her school have from talking to her.

    • Hi Miss August – Don’t take me wrong… Chris also had special classes. But, we are talking like one hour per day that he was taken from the regular class for his special class. It’s not enough, and it’s also demeaning to be taken from one class to another like that. Anyway, I like the way things are in the Philippines better. 🙂