Everyone knows that we’ve been giving away food to people in need here in Davao City area for almost a decade now. For the past few years LIP readers been helping us on this cause. Which we like a lot, at least we are helping more families each year. 2010 was the most special one. Before, when the holiday was over we would think about the giveaways, and think for the next year. But this year we are so lucky to have known 4 girls and will continue helping them. They’ve become our family and yours too, LIP contributors and readers. You will know more about these girls all through the year from us.
Some of you might think about us “WHY HELP OUT OTHERS WHEN SOME OF YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS IN NEED ALSO OF HELP”… To answer that statement, quite honestly Bob and I, we’ve been helping out my family ever since we got married, when we lived in the States and up to now. We’ve been there for a lot of my nieces and nephews. A few of them appreciate the help we’ve done for them. Some just abused it. Now we are so careful on who and how to help out. Early on here on the LiP magazine a lot of us writers tackled the subject on helping out family. Understandably we have different version because we have different circumstances here. I will not go through it more since you can find a lot of the articles on the early days of LIP.
To be honest some people might still think that I am not helping enough with my own family. That I favor some others. For me, I will help out the people that really care for me, Bob, and the kids. I already had my lesson before. We helped out my nieces and nephews that lived with my parents. We felt sorry for them. Well, they were the ones that didn’t appreciate the help that we gave. They treated us badly. So now, we helped the people that really care for us. We do care a lot of the family that we are helping now. Can’t help it, there is always jealousy in the family of who and why we are helping out. I am not going to take the garbage of anyone anymore. Enough of it now. We will help because we want to help and will help because they deserves our help.
Anyway, one thing that Bob and I promised to all the LIP contributors before we started accepting money from you guys, that we will never give anything to my family from the money we got from you guys. All funds that we received through LIP, my family will never get anything from it. Whenever Bob and I ever give to my family, its money from our very own pocket. So don’t worry you guys.
I was really doing a lot of thinking. I am happy to helps the nieces and nephew that we have now. They showed us love and respect. Bob and I and our kids loved the nieces and nephew that we have here in the house. Very respectful people. I don’t really care of how other members of the family say but we helped them because they deserved to be helped out. Their parents can afford sending them to school, but we are happy sending them to school because they want to learn and earn at the same time. They learned a lot by just living here. They did not asked us we went to them and told them we will helped them. They are happy of our gestures. They never abused of our kindness to them. They appreciate everything we did for them.
We felt similar to the 4 kids that we are helping too. They showed so much appreciation of just a simple helped that we gave. It really melts my heart seeing them amazed just the simple stuff we did for them. I felt sorry for them even just a simple project they have to struggle to get it. At least with just our simple help they can manage to survive daily even just a little. I am really looking forward for them to finish and hoping they will do (help out) they same to others later.
Mabuhay!
Hi Feyma- Kabayan you’re doing great service to our nation by helping those kids attain their dreams and aspirations. There are many people out there or even relatives too that no matter how good your intention is, they would always find faults in what you were doing(helping others). Just ignore them and continue being a good samaritan to others that needed help the most. It’s heart-warming to see you and your husband together with the help some other expats here sharing blessings to our poor kababayans there. God bless and more power to you guys.
Hi louie – Thank you so much kabayan for your nice words. I really appreciate very much. Very true, no matter what you do for them they will not appreciate anyway. So I chose not to help anymore.
We are so lucky to have the LIP family. They really helped a lot on our cause. I can’t thank them enough for it. Bless them.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Keep reading and sharing here.
Take care!
Feyma
I totally agree with you in not helping family members who don’t show appreciation. You are so right in cutting them off. I would have no problem using money from LIP Readers for your family if they were really in need and really appreciated what they received. Keep doing what your doing!
Hi Feyma
I am new to this site and that is really good and kind of you. I am going through the similar situation right now.
For years I’ve been helping my wifes family and her 3 kids were the leverage the family had against us. Whenever we sent money for Christmas it was abused by my wife’s Nanay and the her kids didn’t get any of the share. Now that they have grown up and working, my wife and I have ventured into our retirement plan we have invested on a little farm in Aritao, Nueva Vizcaya. This investment is working out fine and during my visits there i am humbled by the people and their simplicity to live and earn a living on their own, compared to my wife’s family that rely heavily on us in Manila.
My wife’s family is very jealous and upset that we are helping strangers and not their family. One of the main reasons I choose a farm in Aritao than city live in Manila was to get away from the in laws and now 2 years have gone by and their doing fine on their own. Maybe the best thing to do sometimes is to stop helping. Tough Love!
Really happy that there is some good samaritan helping out the people, please keep up the good work. I’ve yet to fully move to Aritao, i am in the midst of doing that hopefully by Christmas 2010. Currently working in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, but once i am full time in Aritao i will definitely follow in your foot steps as well as those that are on this site. You guys inspire me that I am not alone in this thought that we should give back to the community. Cheers!
Hi Jude – Thank you so much for the nice comment.
Really I’ve heard a lot of similar stories that you just said here. It’s really sad that the grandmother just abused the money you guys sent. It’s not even intended for her. That’s been the problem of a lot of the OFW workers. They left their kids behind to the grandparents care, most of the time the aunts and uncle benefits what was sent for the kids. The grandparents will not say anything, they just tolerate the abused. In their mind the OFW has to share their blessings.
I’m glad that you guys are out on that situation now. The jealousy will continue on and on. It never ends. Just really listened to the people you trusted the most. Hey, that’s what we are doing now. Won’t help out to the people that don’t deserves it.
We are happy that the LIP family lend their hands too. Really a big thank you to them as well. It really made a difference on someone’s lives here.
Cheers!
Hi Feyma,Great job by Bob & yourself! My situation is not going good after 8 years…I tried,but my daughter comes NUMBER 1. We are seperated,because of my wife taking my Daughter’s Education Fund & sent it to her family(because she LOVES them)! Keep up the good work you guys!
Hi Joe – Thank you so much. I am sorry to hear of what you’ve going through. I hope your wife will put you and your child first before anything before its too late. I hope she realize later that her family will not going to be there for her as soon as she don’t have the money to support them anymore.
Good luck to you and hope for the best for you and your daughter.
Take care!
Great Family!..If you have money to send us we pretend you are important to us…as soon as the money stops…we do not know you any more…what a family..Feyma..good for you for saying no and choosing to help those that really appriceate the help…I think a lot of Foreingers that marry the Fillipina maybe do not know at the time what they are getting their selves into as far as the expectation that the foreigner is expected to support not only her but all the rest of the family in one way or the other…..sounds kind of twisted to me….For me my main responsiblity would be to support the woman I married and not worry about supporting her family and if that was not good enough then I would never say I do in the 1st place…let alone subject my self to all of what I read here about this subject. To me helping others is good, but only if done in the right way that really helps..and to me sending money to your wifes family just because your wife feels its the thing to do is not really helping any one most of the time….Like Paul said some time back..show them how to fish…but let them fig out how to get that fish and learn that their is no free lunch in life..per say…..other wise..its better to giving a hand up, but forget the hand out…unless it is something like Feyma and Bob are doing with these lovley school kids that sure appreciate the help very,very much….Good post Feyma..
Apparently, that “asa” attitude among many Filipinos is really “eh”. I think this mentality is one factor why the whole nation could hardly move on (aside from the very corurpt government we have). It impedes the creation of a more vibrant economy and it creates much burden on those people who work. I know how you feel as I have some relatives who are like that…yknow..PAL..as in palamunin. I am not saying everyone is like that since when I was still studying back home, I knew many students who take part time jobs in fastfood restaurants. But it’s all still common, the “palamunin” mentality. Worse is when you are fed up, they blame you. Also, the only “know” you when they need something from you. Not a very healthy relationship.
It’s good to see that the people you help are thankful. In the future, they will be the one extending their hands to help people. Not the kind that when you extend your hand, they want your whole arm! I guess, it’s wise to choose the people we help.
Hi Katrina – The “asa” attitudes still keep on going and going here in the Philippines, so does the PAL. Together with the “istandby”. Gosh it’s all over the Philippines. Its getting worst with the OFW members of the family that works abroad for a long time. The PAL members are just sitting around waiting for the money to come. They don’t even try to find work anymore.
Oh yeah, if you happen to open your eyes and say enough is enough and I ain’t supporting anybody anymore. Oh boy, its your fault all of a sudden. Wow, your the bad person. Your this and your that… To be perfectly honest I don’t care for them anymore. The only thing that matters to me are the people that care for us here. I think I already learned to let go of them.
It’s just good feeling to see people are thankful to the simple stuff we did for them. I just hope and pray for their successes in life and they will pay it forward. That would really mean a lot to me and Bob.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Keep reading and sharing your thoughts here.
Take care!
Hallo Feyma , the same thing happens to us .
Paying for the education of some of my wife,s family , but there is only
thanks from a few.
Even her mother , we send money every month , and on some vacation i said to my
father in law [ 72 yr. ] stop working ..
His answer : when you send me money , i can stop .
The good man DID NOT KNOW , that we allready did for more than 10 years .
So , that night , i had a big fight with my mother in law .
And we send the money to him , and he chears it with his [ grand ] children .
And now we are allso sending money for children we know , but are no family .
In Febr . we go again to iligan and i wil make further arrangements .
Gr. Anton
Hi Anton – Your mother-in-law is not a happy camper now. She deserves to be off support from you guys. At least you know now that your father-in-law knows how to handle the money you gave him.
Almost time for your Iligan visit. Have fun there.
Take care!
Feyma,
God bless you and Bob for the help you are providing to the poor. You are making a difference in someone life who deserves it. Thank you for being a positive example to the readers of LiP and the Davao community. I have helped out several people around Leyte and have been awarded with warm thank you’s. I know that I can’t help everyone but it is nice to know that I can make a difference to somebody who appreciates it.
Hi Jack – Thank you so much for the nice thoughts. We are happy to helped out especially with the extend hand of Lip family. Highly appreciated by the less fortunate here.
I’m glad that you are on the same direction as we do on helping some people in Leyte. Good for you and keep up the good work there.
Good to see you here again.
Take care!
hi there Feyma,
iti is so lovely what u are doing for them famliys and u are right about ur own famliy as ia m married to a filipina now for 11 years and have helped my wife famliy out for time to time but i also say thay must try and help there self first and then i will help out if i can as we have three kids of how own too so must off my help go in to there mate i was ask to help my wife brother as he was going over seas and saddly the one he did pay all to run off and did take the lot with her and it was not just him she got at but 15 in all so u work out all that thay did pay and she got a very good hand out but for one she is not geting a way with it and may now end up in the lock up ………peter martin tassie…..
Hi peterjoy – Thank you so much. Sorry to hear also of what you and your wife gone through. It’s been an all time problems to a lot of Pinay married to foreigner, OFW and family members who works abroad. Its really a sad situation but it keeps going. Not sure if it will end any time soon. I’m just having a wishful thinking here. Really it will never end.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. As always good to see you here mate.
Take care!
Femya, I applaud what you and Bob are doing. It kind of replicates what Mita and I are doing with one of our nieces … she lives with us and we are sending her to college in Manila.
We do not ‘send money’ to anyone, except for one-time family emergencies on a case-by-case basis.
The only way to really help is ‘hands on’. Sending money ‘in the blind’ as so many people do is really not helping. It’s only fostering another generation of inability.
Lest foreigner readers here think this is only about ‘milking’ foreigners for their money, it’s very typical behavior in families with no foreigner connection as well. It amazes me how many families in my neighborhood just live for the next remittance from a relative working overseas. One household I know of lives almost 100% on the remittance from their 80-something year-old mother who still works as a domestic helper in California.
I don’t know the answer to this problem/attitude, but I do know, just ‘sending money’ is not helping, it’s more like enabling. Hands-on, personal contact is the only way.
u are right %100 dave in every way…..peter martin tassie
Hi Dave – Thank you very much. I’m sure your niece appreciate what you and Mita did for her.
Bob and I really helped out nieces and nephew for schooling. 2 of them been with my parents since they were less than a year old. Bob and I sent one to a very good school here in Davao. She’s one that defy us a lot. She end up having kid out of wedlock. Of course I was to blame because in her mind I’m not doing enough for her. Same situation with others except they did not have kid. They just would not listen. I had one niece that we spent a fortune for her to be in a place where she can change her life for the better. People there told her that we(Bob & I) really love and cared for her. At the end she never said thank you to us. Its really a shame.
Now, we really are careful who and when to help out.
I felt sorry for the domestic helper lady that you were talking about. She should quit working and time for her to retire. I know of somebody like that before with 4 kids. She’s waiting for the money from her mom. She used her kids to asked grandma. Of course grandma would gave them money. The lady I know was a party animal, the money would disappear the next day.
Anyway, good for you and Mita of how you guys helped out. Good to see you here Dave.
Take care!
Dave,
I have heard similar stories just like the one with the 80 year old working in California. It reminds me of Entitlement programs in the USA. (I hope I don’t open a can of worms here. I try to stay clear of these political discussions.) You are not really helping them because the person would never be able to work and support their life style. I wonder what will happen to the family members in the Philippines when the support stops. I have seen this discussion recently. You have to find the balance of helping someone and having the person work and help themselves. I am lucky because my father-in-law works. It seems that other people aren’t as lucky.
Unfortunately, even if the family works, the pension systems and social security-type safety nets are just not there in the RP like in other countries. If the family is working, but living day-to-day, somebody will have to support them in their retirement years.
Brent,
I agree that we don’t have social security safety nets in the Philippines. The pension is computed based on the brackets of contributions which is usually remitted by the employer to the government. What is even worse is, if you have not worked for any of the established companies and have not voluntarily contributed to the social security system (which was introduced in 1995, i think) you will not get any pension. But eventhough you have a pension, its value (which is fixed at the time of your retirement) will seemingly be diminished because eventually, the cost of living will catch up with you and if you don’t have any other sources of income (let’s say like a sari-sari store or relatives giving you money hehehe) you will be living on a hand-to-mouth existence aside from other mouths to feed.
You do raise an important point. But I think most Filipinos will accept supporting their elderly that case given.
I think what irks people are that there’s the common attitude of some relatives where they are able to find work, but they just won’t. They attend to their luxuries and vices. Added to that that these people are so ‘demanding’. If you don’t send enough to support their luxury, you’re the bad guy.
Paying it forward Feyma!
Hi, Feyma.
I read your article and must say, that was and is the point I got angry in Dupac, the little hometown of my wife. My sister in-law was living in Canada with us for 18 month already. Her husband was working in Saudi Arabia because of us. We paid a lot other things. And than I thought the relatives must be really in need. (what I thought at home in Canada.) You got there and you see that they have already 3 rice fields, a whole bunch of cars, motorbikes… 3 houses… AND STILL it is not enough!! Than you see Audrey’s classmates. No running water in the house. No TV. Some no washroom. One after an accident can’t walk anymore and sleeps outside the house on an old mattress…
So already on the 3rd night there, I got in a “little” fight, after they shouted at us because we bought the wheelchair for her classmate, Henry. From that day it was clear for me, that this family is not getting one cent from us anymore. Back home in Canada than “madame” sister in-law: “I can’t live with you guys anymore if my family is “so disappointed” about the situation right now!” I said: “OK. You know what? Every house is build with a door to get in and out. I am sure you know how to use it.”
OMG! Feyma. You couldn’t believe the badmouthing after that. “It was not true that Audrey & Holger supported me to come to Canada. I did it on my own!” Yeah! We know that…hehehe Same with her husband. “It is not true that they paid the medical and air ticket for my husband. I paid it by myself.” Of course… we know that. Than, we where out in a mall in Edmonton, someone stopped us and asked us why my sister in-law must pay our rent and utility’s the last 2 years. “Did you guys not earned enough. Shame on you…!” (Shock!)
So, Feyma. Change the names in your story with anyone’s name here in LiP who is married to a Filipina. I guess it will fit.
If someone is asking us how the true story was, I answer always with a little story we listen as kids in Germany: “There was a poor boy who found a little donkey on his was. And a fairy told him to feed the donkey well, so the donkey will thank him every evening and poop gold coins. The boy did as it was told to him and he got rich…..”
Than I say to the questioner: “You know what our relatives in the Philippines did? No? They found the little donkey (me) and eat him before lunch time!!” 😉
best regards
Holger
Hi Feyma
I would never doubt that any contribution made through LIP would ever be used for anything other than what the contribution was intended for. I can really appreciate what you and Bob are doing in helping the people you select, to make it possible for them to help themselves in the future.
As you may already know I have found ways of helping people to help themselves also.
When I established a scholarship at MSU-IIT , in Iligan, one of the conditions of that scholarship is that no money from that scholarship is to go directly to the student recipient. The scholarship money is donated to the University. When an appropriate recipient is selected and qualifies for the paramaters I stipulated in the scholarship, the amount of my donation is deducted from the students tuition costs. This way I know there is no mis-appropriation or misuse of my donation such as there could be if I just gave money directly to the student. I have been well satisfied or better yet, very impressed with the students that have been selected to be awarded my scholarship by MSU-IIT.
Just as with donations made here through ” LIP ” there are No administration fees or other costs of handling the donation. Every cent ( or centavo ) donated goes to the intended recipient in the way it is described.