When it comes to Philippine weddings, I have a love-hate relationship with them. What do I love about them? What do I hate about them? Well, I’ll get into that later in the article, but first let me explain how I got to thinking about this topic.
Last week, Feyma and I went to General Santos City for the wedding of one of our nieces, Janice “Love” Arguez. I’ve never called the girl “Janice” in her life, so I will just call her by her nickname, Love, in this article. Love’s family has some interesting names or nicknames. You may recall, if you are a long time reader, that I went to another wedding about a year and a half ago, for Love’s sister, Sweet. The other sister is Apple. So, three girls in the family: Love, Sweet and Apple. Ha ha… yes, typical Filipino names, although for us foreigners they may be a bit unusual. They are nice girls, though, and I do love them dearly.
It all started a few months ago when Love sent me a text message and asked me to be a Ninong, or one of her primary sponsors for her wedding. Most of you probably know what a Ninong is, but for those who don’t, it is a Godfather. Basically, under the tradition, if you are a Ninong (or if you are a lady you would be a Ninang) for a Wedding, you have a responsibility to help advise the couple, steer them through any trouble in their marriage and such. These days, many people don’t take the responsibility very seriously, but I do. If I serve as a Ninong for somebody (especially for a relative, or a close friend), then I take the responsibility seriously, and I want to help the couple should the need arise. So, Love asked me to be a Ninong at her Wedding, to which I readily agreed.
We went down to General Santos last week for the wedding, which was held at the same Church where Feyma and I were married, St. Peter and Paul Parish in Barangay Lagao, General Santos City. This is my third time to attend a Wedding in this Church, and I always enjoy it, because it brings back a lot of memories for me from 20 years ago when I stood there at the altar with Feyma. Those are good memories, and when I attend a Wedding there, you can bet that my mind wonders through the past 20 years of my life with Feyma and our kids.
The thing that I really love about attending a Filipino Wedding is that the ceremony is so steeped in tradition. The Church is usually decorated up very beautiful. The people are wearing their best clothes. Everybody is in a very festive mood, and is very friendly. I really do enjoy it. Another nice thing is that I get to see a lot of friends and family members that I don’t see often, which is nice. So, in general, I love attending Weddings here in the Philippines.
What about the hate? Well, part of it is that as a foreigner, you are always asked to be a Ninong. I have been Ninong for a lot of people that I don’t even know. Especially when we lived in GenSan, everybody there knew me, and I would get invitations to be Ninong at Weddings many times every year. I used to always say yes, and do it. Now, though, I have decided to only serve as Ninong for people that I consider close friends and for family members. Even then, I will be selective. I don’t like the idea of being Ninong for somebody when they really don’t want me to really act in the way that a Ninong is supposed to. Many of these people, as I said, I don’t even know, and I will probably never see them again in my life. So, why do they want me to be Ninong? Because it is sort of a “status symbol” to have a foreigner in your wedding.
Even for people like Love, a niece that I do care for, there are reasons why I don’t like being a Ninong.
Why? The biggest reason is that if you are a Ninong, you must sit with all of the other Ninongs. This is during the ceremony and during the reception as well. Personally, if I am going to go to a Wedding, especially if it is in the same Church where I married my wife, I really want to sit with my wife and enjoy it with her at my side. I want to hold her hand as we think back to our wedding. I want to be able to lean over and whisper something to her, or share her experience as we watch a family member follow in the same footsteps that we took some 20 years ago. I know, some will read this and laugh, or feel it is cheesy. That’s OK, I don’t mind. But, what I am saying is true for me. I love my wife, and a Wedding is a time when I really want to be with my wife.
I feel like, as a Sponsor, or a Ninong, I am there to set an example of what it is like to be a family man, and how a man should behave with his wife. I feel that by not being allowed to sit with my wife, this does not send the right message. Sitting together as a family with my wife and children would send the message that this is how you should live your life now that you are entering into a bond of marriage. It is something that is important to me, and that is the main thing I hate about a Filipino Wedding.
Another thing that I don’t like about a Filipino Wedding is that, as I said, as a foreigner, you will almost always be asked to serve as a Ninong. But, there is a rule or a tradition that if the husband is a Ninong, the wife cannot be a Ninang. So, since they always want me for the Ninong, it means that Feyma never gets to stand for anybody as a Ninang, which bothers me. As an example, Feyma has always been very close with our niece, Love. I care for her, but I am not nearly as close to her as Feyma is. So, I feel it would have been more appropriate for Feyma to be a Sponsor for Love than me. But, it is a status symbol to have the foreigner, even though it leaves out somebody who rightly should have been asked to serve, and to be there for the couple in years to come.
Overall, I do enjoy Filipino Weddings, but there are a few things that also give me that “hate” feeling about them as well. I suppose that as one single person, there is nothing I can do to change it, but voicing out my reasoning might make a person or two consider this as well.
Anyway, to my niece, Love, and her new husband, Bernel, I wish you the very best in your married life. I enjoyed your wedding, and I thank you for honoring me by asking me to stand for you.
I hear you Bob! I’ve been a Ninong for people I have met only a few times & have been made a Ninong for at least one nephew’s christening in Davao, despite the fact that I was in Canada at the time! The term I am most familiar with is parè. Ah, as I type, my wife explains the difference in the words, as applied. I’m thinking about charging a fee when I return!
Mike2
Hi Mike – When you are a Ninong, your relationship between you and those who were married (or baptized) is Ninong/Kinugos (in Bisaya). You will call them Kinugos, they will call you Ninong. Your relationship with the other Ninongs and Ninangs is Kompare, or Pare (Komare with the women). Once you have served as a Ninong for somebody, you will call the other Ninongs Kompare or Pare. It’s complicated! 😉
I hear you, pare! It certainly feels as though I’m the “Barangay Ninong” — ecumenically diverse, serving all denominations, customs and traditions be they Mestizo, Ilocano, indigenous, whatever. 😆
Last one for the time being was last week. Now, as rainy season approaches, it’s time for field work.
Maayong buntag, Pare! Seems as if we are on the same journey in life! I think I need to get an appointment book to keep track of all of my Ninong gigs! 😆
Hello Bob, I can understand your frustrations over these “wedding protocols.” But the thing is this are not set in stone. These are accessories that can be done with. Next time you are asked to be a ninong by someone close to you or even not really close, say that as your condition, you want all couples to sit together and not be separated. BTW, Bob, your wife becomes a ninang to your inaanaks that’s why the wife or the husband is not asked to be ninang/ong once the spouse has been asked.
Hi roy – I think you have an excellent idea about giving “conditions” before accepting. I had never thought of that before, and I think it is reasonable.
I do know that Feyma would be considered a Ninang by virtue of my being a Ninong. But, in this case, I felt it would have been more appropriate for Feyma to have the active role as a Ninang during the ceremony, given that she has been very close to Love over the years.
Thanks again for the tip!
Yep, roy’s right. nothing’s really set in stone. in my wedding, and a few others i’ve attended, ninongs/ninangs sat with their family.
Sometimes, it may be just an initial formal arrangement, and then after a few minutes the rules relax and you can sit wherever you prefer. But, just like everywhere, families are different and some may be more relaxed than others.
Funny, I actually remember commenting about my similar feelings on “ninong invites” on an early LiP article a couple years back. I mentioned how I didn’t like how people were just casually having me as ninong (sometimes it felt like I was a filler to complete the list or a nice catch for potential gifts). That an invite may not be as honorable as it seems. I wrote that I was going to be turning down invites and be more selective.
I vaguely remember a commenter not being pleased with what I wrote & politely disagreed with me. She assumed I was foreign & that I was disrespecting her culture (or something like that). I think my sentiments cover every nationality, but oh well, it gave me an idea of the cultural minefield you guys go through :p
Hi macky – I don’t recall your previous comment, but I am not surprised that you said something along those lines. I just feel that the wedding would be so much more meaningful to me if I could sit with my wife and kids, and I also believe that such family togetherness sets a good example for the bride and groom.
Good day Bob ,
As for me , the 6 times that i was on holiday,s in iligan , every time
somebody came up and ask me to be Ninong for weddeing or bastise.
And i did it .
It,s nice and only cost a little money [ for us ]
I like your new webside , but wonder ,
what happened to the Photo album ?
Febr. 2011 . we coming again to iligan and then start looking
for place to retire and little buisenes for my wife.
Gr. Anton
Hi Anton – The Photo Album is still there, I just have (purposely) not linked to it for now. I am thinking of making some changes there. After I make a final decision as to what I will do, I will announce that, and make a link.
Bob
Nice article. I guess the ninong,nang is alot different there in RP.
Here the role of the Godparents is alot different if I understand it. Here they should be Husband and Wife so in the event that the real parents die or something the Godparents step in and raise the Kid.
There in RP the Ninong, ang seems to be more of a advisory role.
I think the Ninong title has alot of responsibility that comes with it if it is done in the proper way. Do you think you are asked to be Ninong so much because you have $$ that will offer some sense of financial security for the Godchild and the family.
Hi Neal – Just to be clear…. in this case I was Ninong for a wedding, not for the baptism of a child. Here, they have Godparents for weddings too, not just baptisms!
In many cases, Ninongs are chosen based on financial concerns, although I don’t think that was the case this time around.
Bob
Its clear now, I re read the article.
This new fancy format makes it so easy to read fast and perhaps mis-read.
Ha ha… no problem, Neal!
Uh Neal- are you complaining that the new format is too easy to read ?? hahahahaha
btw- where is RI ?
Ian
No I am not complaining at all about the new format here, I think it is very nice.
You have to be kidding, but if not RI is between CT and MA.
Can I interest you in buying my house so I can LIP.
I would just like to clarify for Ian, since he is not American, he may not know the abbreviations of US States. Ian, RI is “Rhode Island” and it is a State in the Northeast part of the USA.
You also forgot about the heat. Here in Hawaii, all the Filipino weddings were in August and July, in the middle of the day and in church. I hate getting a dressed up nice, and dealing with the heat. Of course in the Philippines it would worse. Also I like to new look of the site.
Hi Jay – Yes, heat can be an issue, no doubt. It is not a big concern for me, though, because it’s hot everywhere here, not just at Weddings! 😆 Most important thing is to bring a handkerchief or small towel to keep yourself dry from all the sweat. At this last wedding, I forgot to do that, and I was drenched with sweat. Luckily, one of Feyma’s sisters had an extra handkerchief, though, and gave it to me to correct my mistake! She was a lifesaver!
Glad you like the new look, Jay!
Here we go again Bob, Your “Amazing me” Yup, Ijust also was a Ninong. After moving here and getting settled, we became very close to all the neighbors here in our small complex. The one neighbors son is married and he leaves for awhile working on a cruise ship, his wife was pregnant. When the baby arrived and time came for Baptism, they asked me to be godfather. of course being Italian,hehehehe how could I say no. I never heard the term Ninong untill now, I will have some fun with that this lunchtime, as every Tuesday we all cook something and have a gathering, because its the one day her daughter has off from work, pretty cool huh?..But it seems everything you been writing lately has been right on, as what been happening with me also. Funny, as soon as I read your article I laughed….But yes its a very special meaning to them, and i have to say I was honored by the questure.. So Mr. Bob ,Brother, congratulations to you……….
Kumusta, Pareng Lenny? Ha ha…. Congrats on being chosen as a Ninong for your neighbor’s child! It is indeed an honor!
Hi Bob,
You are on with your observation.
Filipinos like to have big and many sponsors on their wedding to recoup some of the expenses but not all.
Pare/Mare is a camaraderie/network that has gone out of whack that it lost the real meaning; being a pare/mare to well-off individual is a status symbol.
Some pinoys will also use it as wedge to ask some favors from you and vice versa in the future….so thread carefully. Refuse it in a nice way so they will not lose face. I have been a ninong to a lot of kids that I forgot about their names. LoL!!
Toting
Hi Toting – Yes, I am the same… I also have been Ninong for people that I don’t even remember the names! ha ha… it’s a bit overboard, don’t you think? 😉
Yes it is! 🙂
It would have been nice if both You and Feyma were asked to be Ninong and Ninang. At the recent wedding of Macrine’s nephew, both Macrine and I were requested as the two of the four Sponsors. In Marinduque, It is a custom that if you are Ninong or Ninang, you “must” give or donate a substantial monetary gift to the newly weds. Some couples would request to have more than a dozen primary sponsors, so that they will have substantial monetary funds to start their new life as husband and wife. In some parts of the Philippines ( Iloilo in particular) I have attended grand and big weddings,( more than 500 guests) where there were 18 couples as Ninong and Ninang. The richer the family the more Ninongs and Ninangs. Is this true in Davao ?
BTW, I like the new format of your e-magazine, although it is a little harder to navigate.
Have a Good Day!
Hi David – Nice to hear from you. Interesting about the custom of being required to give a substantial financial gift. That really is not the case here. And, yes, couple here have a lot of sponsors, as the way you described.
Glad you like the new layout. Don’t worry, you will get used to the navigation in just a couple of visits! It’s really not too different than before.
Bob,
Great explanation and story. I have been asked to be a Ninong for the first time although I am not currently living in the Philippines. Your story hits close to home since my wife and her family are from CATEEL DAVAO ORIENTAL. I expect after we retire there I will be asked to be Ninong frequently. lol
Thanks, Paul, and good luck on your move to Cateel!