You know, one thing you hear a lot if you talk to people about Filipinos going to live in the States is that they are going to become “Americanized.” I remember when I married Feyma, some people would ask me “Don’t you worry that she is going to become too Americanized?” Well, it’s not something that I worried about, to be honest. In my eyes, when Feyma and I got married, she became more like me, and I became more like her.
Sure, Feyma did pick up American habits and American ways of thinking during her 10 years living in the States, there is nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. That is to be expected. I have lived all over the USA during my lifetime. I’ve lived in Washington State twice, in California twice, in Oregon, New York, Louisiana and in Montana. I even lived in South Africa for a couple of years. I picked up a little bit of what makes me who I am in each of these places. So, of course Feyma picked up a big part of herself when she lived in the States.
What about me, though? I’ve lived in the Philippines for nearly 8 years now. You know what, on some things I am becoming “Filipinized” too, I have to admit.
The part of my life where I feel that I have become highly Filipinized is in the area of Family Life, living arrangements in the house and such. It is very common for households in the Philippines to include a large number of people. And, it’s not just the husband, wife and their children. Nephews, nieces and such will often live in the same house with their Uncles and Aunts. Mothers (in-law) will often live with their children. Of course, maids and house boys will live with their employers too.
When we first came to the Philippines, this kind of living drove me nuts! Having “outsiders” in the house all the time drove me crazy. I always felt like I had no privacy. Americans (and other Westerners too) greatly value privacy. I was constantly wanting my privacy back, but never seemed to quite achieve it.
You know what, though? I have gotten to the point where I really enjoy having these other people living in my house. Currently, in the house we have Feyma and I, our 4 kids, 3 nieces, 1 nephew and a maid. That’s 11 people! We do have a very large house, though. I have gotten where I feel very close with these people, and if they weren’t around any longer, I would miss them a lot, and probably feel lonely.
Now, don’t take me wrong, I still do have a need for private times, but that is something that we have all worked out. My office (which is in the house) and Feyma and my bedroom are off limits, unless somebody is invited in. So, if I am working on various business projects, I am alone in my office. We have a TV in our bedroom and we can spend some time there alone, if we choose. Or, if we want to interact with our extended family, we can go anywhere else in the house, and you can bet that somebody will be around to talk with. Of course, I also spend part of my day outside the house – at the health club swimming, hanging out at the mall, or whatever – and that is time when I usually am with friends, or by myself.
I feel good about the way that we have worked out our living arrangements. I also really enjoy getting to know these extended family members better. They have become a big part of my life, and I am thankful for that.
Yep. We have about a dozen or so too. Sounds about right. I can't now imagine not having them around. They all have jobs to do … and some are going to school also … but they are are also part of the family in many respects.
This is an aspect of Filipino life that I've grown to really like.
Hi Bob, sounds like you have your own little "commune" there, you have a nice balance which is important, community space and private space.
I am used to sharing my time/space with others as my mother had 17 children (Irish Catholic backround) but I must admit I protect my privacy these days… my utopia would be as you have…. a bit of both worlds when needed.
Sir Bob. Believe it or not, living with extended family can sometimes prevent or treat depression because you will always have someone to talk to. It can divert your mind from your problems. In western countries when one is depressed he or she sees his or her psychologist or psychiatrist. And what will the doctor do? He will basically just strike a conversation with the patient and let him or her talk? One spends money just to have a conversation with someone?..hello..LOL When I was still in the Philippines, my nephews were living with us and I had enjoyed it so much. I think I mightl go crazy living alone in a big house. But I agree, there should be a balance. Private time or space should also be maintained.
Bob good subject this and it is something i need to come to terms with myself, we too have a big house here and let me count, there are 9 of us living here including 2 small children, i think it would be a bit boring if it were just me and my wife and say 1 maid.
But like you i need to get used to it but so far (after just 2 months) i think it's ok and i will, liike you adjust to it and grow to like it. I have met some of your people and they seem very nice and certainly very courteous and so are my extended family. Coming over here i didn't know if it would work but somehow i like it and i'm hoping in the longer term to be like you 100% adjusted.
Hi gerry – Yep, it's the "Bob & Feyma Commune" do you want to join us? 😆 I don't know if I would describe our living arrangements as utopia, but I will say that is is an arrangement that has worked well for me!
Hi Eric – Ha ha… I never thought of my living arrangements in a therapeutic way, but as I think about it, you are right!
Hi rick b – It takes time, but you will adjust, and get comfortable, I am sure of that!
Hi Nick – Sorry, I just found your comment in the Spam bin… not sure how it ended up there, but at least I rescued it. So, it sounds like your household is a lot like mine. It took time, but I came to relish it.
Hi Bob,
I'm glad to hear you've adjusted.
Will be seeing you and Feyma soon, Bob! 😀
hello bob
i have also experienced having family live in my house there in phil,the only differance is that my wifes mom is the boss and over see everything and even makes all decisions there,at first i was kinda angry to her because in my culture in usa the one who pays everything is the one with final say.mabe its allways the wife is boss huh lol.we finally are approved through uscis for fiancee visa.im so happy but its so slow through immigration,i really had no idea the details in that petition.,hope you and your family are doing good bob,
Bob, What you just wrote about is one of the driving forces behind my desire to live in the Philippines. You have addressed the issue of retirement homes and day care centers in the past which are so much in evidence here in the U.S.. I have been waiting at time not so patiently for all of us to be ready to return-still do not know an exact time but its getting closer of that I am sure. Marlou told me she had a dream she was riding a Jeepney in Davao-said she missed that life. That is a good sign don't you think? Well when we do get there the larger the house and the larger the family the happier I will be. Ron
Hi Tina – I'm looking forward to seeing you again!
Hi Ron Wadsworth – Now, that would be an interesting situation having your mother-in-law living in the house, and having her want to take "command." I congratulate you on your ability to deal with the situation!
Hi Ron LaFleur – Very Interesting! My prediction, though, is that Marlou's missing of the lifestyle in the Philippines will fade as time goes by. So, the earlier you come back, the easier it will be! 😆
Me too! After raising seven kids, I don't feel nearly so lonely since we have a house full still. We have had a long and varied assortment over the years and we love it!
I'm in the States right now for my Mom's 80th birthday and will be back in a couple days!
Hi AmericanLola – I was wondering why I hadn't heard from you lately! I forgot that you were in the States. I hope that you are having a wonderful trip. Maybe you can write an article about your return home.
I hope you have a great visit, and all the best to your Mom!
Besides extra help and depression therapy, a larger household is a good security system. As a foreigner, you are assumed to be rich and have lots of money and valuables in your home. Forget about a short vacation trip and even an outing of a few hours if your home had no one there. Of course this depends on your neighborhood and neighbors but for the most this part holds true.
Wow, Bob…you're so much ahead of the game though. I'm still here in the US and I have started a similar kind of living arrangement that my husband loved our 6-week yearly visits to the Philippines for the last 3 years. He always tells me now that he's not coming back to the US this time. He's ready in the immersion process of being Filipinized. In fact he already started the initiation process 5 years ago when family would stay with us fhee or a period of time until they're ready to be on their own in a foreign land.
I hope he will make it to retirement though as we don't have the stability that you have yet. The apartment units in Quezon City are still empty and I have a crew to feed and send to school too. If not for this family clan I would be there retiring in Davao, or Cebu. [Sigh…] It's scares me that June is almost here. I maybe facing a drastic change, and I'm the Filipina… maybe it's because I am the Filipina and he had trusted me with this decision. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
Still, I feel I'm getting closer to my dream…our dream! Change is just unsettling sometimes.
HI Phil,
Have to disagree, we leave our houses for months at a time, have never had anyone living in them and have never had anything stolen or
vandalized.
Rick
Hi Phil – I agree that it is generally a good idea to leave somebody at the house all the time. It just makes good common sense.
Hi Cecilia – You will pull everything together! Nothing in life is guaranteed, but you will make the best out of whatever comes along!
Hi Rick Austin – I have to agree with Phil. I think that what he says is just good common sense. It is also a very "Filipino" way of living that somebody is at the house at most any time.
Learned the local dialect yet?
Hello rseneris – Yes, I am currently studying bisaya with a local tutor. I would say I am about half way there.
I am a Filipino and have been residing overseas for the past 21 years now. It is not only a Filipino way to have more than 1 or 2 family members living in one roof. Even some European and other Western cultures, to name a few Australia, Canada snd the UK, do the same thing too. They realized the importance of being close to one another as a family in terms of relationships, values, culture and support. If you look what's happening around the world, most of the young generations these days don't know how to give respect on people around them; including the law and orders. Crimes keeps rising, unwanted pregnancy is up, suicides on the rise and homeless people is a major social problem.
Hi Joseph – It certainly is far more common thing for Filipinos to have multiple families under one roof than it is in the west. I don't see how you could argue otherwise. It happens in western cultures too, but is uncommon there.
Bob,
Its becoming more common in west actually, our local paper had a article on it last year, they basically stated its why 5 and 6 bedrooms with 4000-5000+ square feet are indeed common these days.
I'm unsure if you consider Mexico a western country or many of the other Latin American nations but if you think of them as western countries then indeed multi family homes are very common place, in fact many continue the trend when they migrate to America.
I guess rather multi family household is common in western world would depend heavily on which nation your speaking of. If your thinking of only America and UK then surely not all that common but if viewing western countries as a whole then yes its very common practice, specifically in the poorer nations.
Justin
Hi Justin – For me, when I say "west" in this sense, I am not talking geography, but culture. I am talking USA, Canada, Western Europe, Australia, NZ and such. While the living arrangements may be becoming more common, they are still very uncommon in these areas, I would say.