The other day I wrote about how two of my kids will be starting high school in a couple of months. My oldest son is already 17 years old. I have another son who is turning 9 years old today too. So, as my kids are growing up quickly, over the past couple of years, Feyma and I have been starting to think about our lives after the kids move on to life beyond our household.
I mean, think about it. One kid who is 17, two entering high school, and another who is nine. The two entering high school will be in college in the blink of an eye, just 4 years from now. It’s hard for me to believe, but my days of having kids in the house are fading away now. We all get older, I guess, and there is no avoiding that. Well, there is one way to avoid getting older, but I’m not ready for that either!
Part of thinking about my changing lifestyle in the not-to-distant future also is the state of the world economy. In the past, I’ve lead a life of plenty. Pretty much, if there was anything I desired, I had it, or got it. Nowadays, though, the world is different. I have a desire to change my lifestyle, live with what I need instead of always having what I want. So, I have decided that I could be quite comfortable with a smaller house, fewer “things” to complicate life, etc. I mean, when you see a lot of people going from being very well-to-do to being poor almost overnight, you start to feel that it’s better to live a simple life. I feel that I could be quite happy with fewer complications in life, and just enjoy the simple things in life.
So, as I have been shifting my thinking to this simpler lifestyle, plans for my post kids-in-the-house days have been going through my mind. The other day, though, a little light bulb went off in my mind:
Wait: You are engaging in American-thought!
What? American thought? Yes. As an American, it is expected that when kids finish up their education, they will move on and start their own life. They will get jobs, move out of the family home and go out into the world to make a go of their own life. That is what has been in my plans. Maybe within 10 years, there would be no more kids in the house. But, the other day that light bulb lit up brightly in the recesses of my mind. I live in the Philippines. Things don’t work like that here in the Philippines! I mean, usually kids don’t leave the family home until they marry, and if they don’t marry, they might continue to live with their parents indefinitely.
So, I am an American, and having my kids stay in the house well beyond their schooling is outside my culture. But, my kids are growing up in the Philippines. Why would I think that they will adapt the American culture when it is just as likely, possibly more likely, that they will adapt the Philippine cultural norm.
I admit, I think I would be more comfortable with the American norm when it comes to how long my kids will live with me. Don’t take me wrong, I love all of my kids very, very much. However, culturally, I am more comfortable with spending my older years with just Feyma and living a slower life, enjoying each other and just keeping everything simple. Am I wrong to feel this way? Honestly, it does make me feel a little guilty. I don’t want to push my kids out, but I am not sure that I would be prepared for them to live under my roof well into my golden years either. It’s hard to decide what the right thing to do is.
I suppose that the best thing is to just go with the flow. Perhaps my kids will feel the American side of their heritage and want to go out on their own. Perhaps they will marry at a relatively young age, and thus it doesn’t matter which side of their heritage they choose to follow. It’s hard to know. I suppose I’ll just play it by ear.
Any thoughts?
As a sidenote, I’d like to wish my youngest son a happy 9th birthday today! Jared, you are a good boy, and I am very proud of you!
Kamusta ka Bob,
Actually, the way things are in the Philippines, is a lot like the USA now too. A lot of kids here after high school are staying at home with mom and dad. Unless, they are off to college, or maybe find a real good job to get them out of their parents house, and afford to rent a place to live. So is not uncommon here too, for economical reasons.
Salamat Bob,
Danny
Hi Bob,
Like Danny said, going back to live with parents (or older parents having to now live with their children) seem to be a growing trend in the US. Perhaps Americans will adapt this Filipino way of life, but only during the bad economic times:)
Hi Bob
In my dental practice I have noticed a large shift to older children staying put at Mom and Dad's.
I mean 19-35 year olds still at home!!!!!
It is not a cultural thing here in Canada.
There seems to be the attitude that if I can;t have everything I am used to why should I move out????
I have everything I want here at home and Mommy cooks for me too
I am quiet shocked by the attitudes of the "younger people" these days.
I think alot of it is the fact we have raised a generation of kids that feel entitled to it all….. RIGHT NOW!!!!
JUST MY HUMBLE OPINION OF COURSE !!!!!
What do you all think????? Am I being hard on the younger generation????
I have heard many stories like Danny mentioned about children either moving back with their parents or staying for longer than in the past in the USA. I think some of the staying longer with their parents has to do with a lot of people waiting longer to get married than in the past since the divorce rate is about 50/50 or worse in the USA. Once married they get their own place but usually there is no rush anymore to get the children out until marriage just like in the Phils. With the economy the way it is now I think we will hear even more stories of this.
My 2 cousins have moved out of their parents home and now my Aunt has "empty nest" syndrome. She always thought she wanted them to move out on their own but now that they have she really misses them being there. I would not be surprised if you and Feyma felt a little of that also if your children all move out within the next 10 years or so. Unless they live close to you and always bring the grand babies over.
I know that no matter where I live when I have children that they will always have a place to live in my home. My mother and father have always said that to me and my grandparents have always said that to my dad. I am actually beginning to think that the American way of thinking of moving out after college is actually a lot less common way of thinking in the world.
Hello Bob
On and off my two boys lived with me here and I was always sad when they left. I am looking forward to Joseys family and mine to be with me. Thank you for this blog It reminds me of tell Joesy " Ok which are going to live with us and which with Uncle Oscar " hehehe. I am so ready and excited. Buyer comes over daily just to offer more fore what I thought I was going to have to do in ( yuk ) yard sale
Bob truely i don't think there is a Philippine way or an American way, I think it in a individual household thing. Some prefer to have thier children close to them maybe for financial or security reasons and some would prefer to let them spread thier wings and sample independence on thier own I think when the kids are ready to try independence you'll know
Hi Bob – Our boys were with us until they graduated college. Once one had diploma in hand and a pay check coming in, it was "Out the door and experience the wonders of life, son!" Did it twice and both sons thank me for doing a better job of "cutting the cord." 😆
The life of an empty-nester is great for me, but asawa-ko gets a little teary-eyed every now and then (even though a numbers of years have passed). Still, it's as if we're newly-weds again – continuing our honeymoon that was "interrupted by the pitter-patter of little feet"! You'll enjoy it! You'll even won't mind the roosters and dogs! 😆
Hi Bob – just to echo what a few others have said, my oldest just finished up college and has moved back in. Financially I'm not ready for that – long term. But it's very difficult to find a job for most people right now, so it's a situation that we will have to work through.
I was very much in the frame of mind as you expressed. I had expected to have him move on, and then my 15 year old to follow in a few years.
Bob;
Have you thought out your kids' higher education in the Phils and their future job opportunities there compared to the U.S. So many young persons in the Phils graduate with Bachelor's degrees that mean almost nothing and then afterwards can only obtain some low wage earning job as a cashier at a department store. Might it be better to somehow send your kids for higher education here in the U.S.?
When I started reading your column I was wondering why you anticipated empty nest syndrome in the Philippines. After I read further I saw the kano was coming out in you! I am sure that you will get to enjoy your children for a lifetime. I will be a bit sad to leave my two children here in the US but I look forward to when they come for a visit next year. I had planned to wait until next year when my youngest turned 18 but I am afraid that it would be hard to sell my business at that time with the economy going south. I did tell them I would at least leave them a text message from the airport when I leave. TEASING!
You have SIR Bob ..so go with the flow , The kids will make up there own mind ..should have no trouble unless they sit you out by the road in a chair and say goodbye hee hee …Phil n Jess
My impression of younger " adults " still living at home with parents in The Philippines was due to the younger taking care of elder parents where the parents were signifantly older. This I attributed to culture after seeing so much of this. The other reason I felt was due to lack of employment to the point where someone starting out in a career just did not make enough money to support themselves.
WIth the employment here in the USA and living costs so high in many areas the former trend of young adults that couldn't wait to get out on their own is not as prevalent as it was only a decade or two ago with even basic apartemnts going for well over $1000 a month plus utilities.
Bob,
Maybe the boys will want to go back to the US and see their options with their other roots.
Then you can call them OFW's and new items to write about.
Either way, I know they will do well with the background they come from.
Hi Bob
I'm 34 and and my wife just got here last month. Before then I lived with my parents in part to save on the rent. I may in the future rent the downstairs of their house for them to get extra income. My co-worker after his 2nd divorce moved back with his parents. I think for economical reasons you are seeing older children move back into their parents home or children staying longer with your parents after 18. Time magazine recently did an article on older children moving in with their parents but I forgot their expression they used for that.
I agree with you Bob that the staying at home thing in the Philippines is more cultural than economic though i also see families where the economic issue is prevelent .
We still have a 23 year old at home and of course our autistic child but the 18 year old that went to Manila to become a chef has never come home even for a visit . 🙂 But then i think he just likes the faster pace of a larger city .
So in the end i guess it comes down to the individual and their needs as much as the needs of the parents .
hi bob,
hope u have a good day…
i think its up to both parents on how they want there kids to be..if you practice them on being independent while they were young its easier for them to realize what life is all about…
i grew up in an ok situation.. when i get to 1st grade in elementary my mom is teaches me how to sell some biscuit to my class..and i did it..found it so amusing..wow i have money!..i think it dont bother me cause i was the 1st honor in class..when i was grade 2 in manila,i still do that but not biscuits anymore..i sell them troley's you know the big hairy crazy doll they were popular before..
at high school my mom will give us a one week allowance and i go to an old shop and buy some nice sayin cards to put in the books…and every week i have some money..i will go to national bookstore and got me a new nice notebooks…and i grew my money till i get my own savings to get me a nice shoes…
i grew up looking up to my father as he was a businessman..we have some ukay ukay before…like thrifty store in america..but only small..and when we live in cdo bfore we a retailer of rice in our place..
my father was a good cook..when we move to manila we open a canteen..so you see..i think i got that from my father…
i was in elementary when i start to doing some course in the house..i can only play when im done with work…
every sat and sunday was my turn to go to the market and bargain for the veg and fruits..my grandma taught me that..and up till now im a good bargaining…youll learn from your experience…
i was a good cook and im thankfull that my mom and father teaches me on how to cook.. tagalog delicacies,cause my father is pure tagalog and to ilocano foods..i learn from my mom some chinesse cuisine…
it takes alot of patience when i was young..i really wanted to play but i cant..but i am so happy for what i gain from that…
when my father died i stop from collage and begun working to help my mom and my 3 siblings…i was blessed that i was hire in del monte in Bugo and it was a good salary…right now im in kuwait..and my sisters gona graduate from a 2 yr course…our youngest will graduate next year on Donmariano..it was a 4 yr course…
all up the experience i have in life..i was a good sales rep i get it from selling..and i got an award before when i work in a food chain..as the best cahier in cagayan de oro..im not so bragging am i?lol.i work in some big companies as a sales rep…and all this was a god's blessings…
so i guesse ill be back to school…yehey!!!
as far as how your kids you want them to be in the future…talk to them and tell them what you feel..ofcourse you need your wife to be there too…i know your kids are happy cause i think you did a good job as being a good dad to them.
well sorry about my grammar…hope i give you some ideas ..and hope you dont get bored reading my blog..
thanks bob..
i really like this blog…keep it up!!!
Hi Bob,
Well, I guess you won't have much choice when it comes down to it. Those who want to go will go, those who want to stay will stay. I read an article a couple of years ago in some newspaper (uk), which had done some research, and found that the average age at which kids of both sexes will move permanently away from the family home is 30! Sure, they may live a lifestyle which will see them staying elsewhere frequently, at university acommodation, moving in with boy/girlfriends etc, but they still want their room left alone as their bolt-hole. It's only when the desire to have their own place comes along that they actually give up "their" space at your house! I know, Filipino culture is different, but your kids have in many ways had "the best of both worlds", and I think you're just going to have to wait and see how it all pans out. That's life, isn't it? You simply can't always plan it!
My freind has a plan though, based on sound commercial common sense more than anything else. His kids are 19, 16 and 14. He's going to buy the oldest a house next year when he's 20, and he will move in to it. However, it will be a three bedroom house, and the other two rooms will be rented out to the Son's friends to cover the cost of the mortgage. Then, when the other two come of age, he will do the same again. Sounds solid to me, because the kids get to live their own life and grow on in their own way, and they get to share their home with people of their own choosing. His kids just love the idea too, AND it gets them on the property ladder early, especially important these days when kids will have to save for many years just for the deposit on a place.
Hi Sir BoB, I don't think you should worry too much about tomorrow, as tomorrow never comes and today always takes care of itself. Everyone of your kids is different, each may have their own dreams and ambitions which will be different from your own. The ambitious ones will leave and the dependent ones will stay, if you let them. As for living a quiet life IF the children leave the nest, well no surprises here, your wife will be looking after the grandkids for a long long time to come. I would forget the dream of a quiet life in the Pines. Having said that, kids keep you young and active in your old age.
Here in the U.S. they are called Boomerang kids. They leave and always come back.
Hi Bob,
Like you I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I would like my children close, maybe even taking care of me in my retirement years. On the other hand I would like to see my children grow up to be independant thinkers and doers, and make there mark on the world.
I understand its financially beneficial for family members to stay together, but I cant help but wonder if allowing the children to continue to live as a family unit may stunt their capabilities to reach their full potential in life. Food for thought.
Hi Bob, how r u? I am Michael from washington DC. My wife and I are planning to move and retiring in phil. I have read ur site regarding selling land in Samal. I am interested to buy hopefully. now I have a question, is this have a Legal titles? who own the land? is anyone here did bought land in samal already? plz help me to give some details about it.
Thanks a lot!
Just in time you have realized that you are living in the Philippines and should act like a Filipino. That makes you a real 'Filophile'. Good luck with your children, wish them all the best.
Myself, I'm married for more than 21 years to a Filipina and now living in Antipolo City from october 2008. It took me several years to prepare to come here but I've made it. And I will never leave again.
Oh my Bob,
As Ron says things have changed over the past years in the US.
There are a few groups, one is the "gimme generation" whose salute is a brisk presentation of on open palm, with the absolute certainty that the said palm will be filled with the keys to a car, or the second set of keys to a car (the first having been ruined by paying more attention to the cell phone and the car radio buttons than on the car in front of them…or the third care
Now that there are almost 6 million unemployed, and now that the average "palm filler" has had 40-60% of their assets trashed things will change. But then these kids had such a good life that they had little interest in leaving home and now, with jobs so scarce (not that most want/or are fit for a job) the staying at home will become, for most mandatory.
Then there is the second set that has emerged slowly over the past decade and rapidly as the crisis unfolds are mostly men. These men are aged 30 and up… They are the ones who were machinists, skilled tradesmen, IT specialists, and like myself even Chemists (and Geologists). As the years have passed their jobs were replaced by Asians as America lost its manufacturing base or by Asians (including those in RP since they speak, in often cases, excellent English) who have taken over telephone sales, customer service and IT troubleshooting. Few of these men care to, or are willing to go and learn new skills. Many give up, some who were managers work in places like Home Depot or clothing stores earning $8-12/hour, where a few years back they earned, including benefits ~$50-100/hour. This sad group have, like lemmings, returned in a sea of bodies knocking at mom and dad's door.
I fear that the norm for the next decade, everywhere will be that the "kids" (regardless of age) will, if their parents are more affluent then they are return to the nest.
The solution, which I imagine you have done already is to impart the wisdom such that your kids will head in a direction that has a future. How many millions go to college in RP to learn IT and graduate with less than a 5% chance of finding a job? Or how about the Nursing Schools, where perhaps less than 3,000 (I'm guesssing) will ever work as RN's out of the 40,000+ graduates. The NLE pass rate nationally is <50% so we can knock 20,000 out.
There are answers. Rebuilt your house with an "inner sanctum" so you and your wife can find occasional respite. Utilize your skills to direct the kids into jobs with a real future, though I admit that can be very, very difficult in the RP economy. They are probably excellent speakers of English, so set up a internet based language teaching system. Try to find a Skype based school that teaches Tagalog or Cebuano…I can't. But at even $3 per teaching hour, that will afford a greater income than the best RN's get and still pay for the overhead.
I would love to have my kids, and nieces and nephews around, and hope to someday, there in RP, but too have that cultural desire for a bit of quality alone time with my lifemate (if I ever find one).
Hey Bob…I like your site! Salamat!
Hi Bob
I did the opposite. When my kids all grew up my wife and I moved out and into a small apartment. Now two of my kids live together in our old house and the other is in the military. And when we move to the Philippines I don't see anyone folowing us.
As an American myself who is 46 years old who has three kids ages 1,3,5 and one on the way with my wife in Davao, I will use your issue as a test case for me in the future. I fully understand your thoughts as we come from American philosphy. Best wishes i will observe from afar!!
i know in my wifes family they all live within shouting distance in different homes literraly ,they all depend on each other and all there cousins and aunts and uncles all live in that same general area they can truely yell and the other relatives can here them most of the time