Note from MindanaoBob. For anybody interested, I was recently a guest on the Nomad Capitalist Podcast, hosted by my friend, Andrew Henderson. If you would like to listen in, go to the Nomad Capitalist podcast page and listen in! Now, on to today’s article…
Feyma, our kids and I are in our 16th year of living in the Philippines. Although it certainly took some adjustment (more adjustment for some of us than others), we have come to love our life in the Philippines. I really feel that this is the right place for us to live, and I enjoy my life here. Since coming here, I have not been back to the States, nor has Feyma.
Out of the entire family, only one of us has been to the States in these many years, that is Aaron. Aaron is our 2nd son, he is 18 years old. He is in the USA right now, I am sure most readers have been following along his adventures for the past couple of months here on the site. Of all of our children, Aaron is the first who has “left the nest” so to speak. He is scheduled to be in the States until around the end of October, a total of about 7 months away from home.
A while back, when Aaron had been in the States for about 2 to 3 weeks, he and I were texting each other on Viber. Feyma was not home at the time. Aaron texted and told me that he had decided that he might want to stay permanently in the States. He said he had not made a final decision, but that he was seriously considering it. When Feyma got home, I told her the bad news. She felt devastated, as did I. When we first moved to the Philippines, and over the years to some extent, it has caused some friction between my mother and I. Some pretty hurtful things have been said between us, all stemming from my Mother’s disapproval of us moving out of the United States. Because of having this experience, both Feyma and I felt that if Aaron wanted to stay in the USA, it would be hard on us, but we would support his decision no matter which direction he decided to go.
Within 15 minutes of both Feyma and I getting this news, we did the natural thing.. we both over-reacted! After little thought or discussion, we both agreed that we would move back to the USA. We both enjoy living here in the Philippines, but we are very family-oriented, and we both felt a need to be with our son. We talked to each of our other kids and they agreed that it would be OK to make the move. We started making plans, considering where we might live in the USA, etc. Everything seemed to make sense for us to make the move.
A few hours later, I came to a realization, though. I told Feyma that it might be a stupid thing for us to make such a move. “Why?” she wondered. Well, I explained my thoughts to her:
Because we are a family that has ties in two different countries, it is very likely that in the years to come, we will have parts of our family in at least two different countries. Maybe Aaron would decide to move back to the Philippines after a few years. Maybe after graduating from school, Jared would decide to return to the Philippines. Maybe Jean would go to Australia or New Zealand, because she has had some interest in pursuing a job in that part of the world. Truth is, we don’t know what the future holds, or where our family will be, and it is probably likely that our family will be in multiple countries in the future.
Well, after thinking it over, Feyma agreed that what I had come to realize was entirely possible, perhaps even likely.
We kicked around the idea of splitting our time – 3 months per year in the States, and 9 months in the Philippines. After a few days, though, the impracticalities of that plan became clear to us. Truth was, we enjoy our lives in the Philippines, so this was the right place for us.
It came down to one thing. We had to resolve to let go and just encourage our kids to follow the path that was right for them. That path may be different for each child, and we also have to follow the path that is best for us as well.
At this point, about 6 weeks after learning of Aaron’s desire to stay in the USA, I believe that his thinking is changing. I told him at the time that he was currently living in a dream world. Why a dream world?
- He is living for free in the USA, staying with his grandmother.
- He has no bills. His grandmother pays for everything – food, entertainment, everything he needs.
- The day will come when he will have to exit the dream and get a job, work, get his own place to live, etc.
When I explained this to Aaron, I believe that it gave him pause. And, since then I can see him slowly turning his thoughts to returning to the Philippines at the planned time. I do know that he misses all of us, and we certainly miss him. But, this trip is a good thing for him, it gives him a bit of freedom and the ability to spread his wings a bit. It is a great learning opportunity, and a chance for him to learn a bit of my side of the culture, meet and get to know family members that are from my side. It also opens his eyes to what else is available to him. He may end up living in the States at some point, and that is fine. We were just caught off guard, and felt it was too early for him to make such a big jump.
I guess that the entire point of this article is that for us, my family… and also for many readers of this site, we are parts of families that are diverse… different races, different cultures, etc. It means that we have to be prepared for anything in our families, where our kids will settle down, etc. It is only natural when our kids have influences from both sides of the world.
Aaron, son, I hope that you are enjoying your stay in the USA, and learning a lot from your experience. It is a valuable education!
Bob, excellent post. Many of us will be faced with this problem. Good to learn your reaction and how you thought your decision through.
Thanks, Don. Nice to hear from you, and glad that you found the article of interest!
Bob, this repl
y is in reference to your statement to someone’s comment on your article that Philippine school’s are on a par with those in the U.S. I strongly disagree. Two examples. My middle son is a math wizz. On the MTAP (Mathematics Teachers Association of the Philippines) yearly contest, his grade each year (grades 2-5) was about twice that of the next highest of the 400 or so in his grade And at the division level (where there are two-person teams, his team (really just him) was 2-6 in the province. Yet, when he took the entrance test for one of the School of Tomorow schools to enter Ggrade 6, he was 3/4 of a year BEHIND entrance level th Grade 6. Second example, long story cut short. Last year I had two board certified teacheers from the local school alphabetize the mant books I have bought from Book Sale. Usually Peterson follows Parker and Rendell follows them both. One of many examples from my shelves.
Ha ha, that is so true, Luanne. I guess that is why we are older by the time our kids reach an age of these kinds of major decisions! This experience has been educational for us!
you have a great choice, leaving in davao city, hope to see you in davao city, and become friends
Hi Benj – I have been living in Davao City for more than 13 years now! 🙂 If you see me around town, please say HI!
Bob;
As I learned traveling around the world for the majority of my life family will always remain just that, family, your location on the globe has little to do with it. I had members of my family who never did understand my lifestyle, but by the same token I didn’t understand theirs. But I never criticized them.
My daughter and grandson are leaving in a few weeks to live in Florida, as much as I dread the idea; I understand that that is how families are. The bond is forever the location is always temporary. Here in the Philippines is the longest I’ve lived in any one spot on earth in my entire life, even longer now than growing up in Boston. I ain’t going nowhere!
Hi Paul – Nice thoughts, and so true! We all have different wants/needs/desires, and it does not mean that we don’t love our family. No doubt about that. I feel that we have come to a good decision that is comfortable for us, and we are happy. That is what is important. No knowing what the future will hold, we can only ride it out and see how it goes!
Good luck with your daughter and grandson heading Stateside! I know it will be a difficult adjustment for you, and I wish you the best with that!
Thanks for the article Bob.
Major changes always have side effects and adjustments. It’s always best not to make huge commitments while in react-mode.
That is so true, Byron! When we first find out big news like this, we are not thinking clearly, and it is best to let time pass a bit before overreacting like we did! 🙂
This article tugs at my heart. Through your blog, you were instrumental in my decision to move my family back to the Philippines from Japan, and it has been seven years since then. It has not always been a smooth ride. But like you, I believe that a family has to stay together, especially if the children still need parental guidance. There has not been a happier episode in our lives. Now two of our kids are at the threshold of independence. Maybe it will take 2 or more years. But it’s bound to happen anytime. I will not hold them back either. Part of our growing process, as parents and children, is letting go. When that time comes, I am sure that our happy memories together will keep us together in our hearts, wherever they may be physically.
Hi Benny, thank you so much for your kind words! If I helped you in making your decision to come to the Philippines, that makes me very happy, and I am glad that it seems to have worked out well for you. Like you said, making this kind of move is not easy, and there are rough patches to get through, but once you make it through that, the rewards are really great.
Hang in there, my friend, I guess we are both going through another rough patch right now, having kids who are on that threshold of independence. Over time, I am sure it will also prove rewarding seeing our kids cross that threshold, blossom and succeed!
Bob,
Good decision waiting for things to calm down before making a rational decision. Though we would like our kids to be near us all the time, they have there own lives to live and they have to do whats best for themselves for there future.
Hi PapaDuck – Thank you for your encouragement. I think that Feyma and I have pretty much made our decision now… we are home, and we will stay here. We can always travel to see our kids if they end up living in far away places, it might just add to our personal adventure!
I really enjoyed you sharing this. Many times we think and feel that the grass is always greener. But only until we get though the adjustment time can we really know we are happy. After 13 years you are where you need to be.
Hi James – Thanks! Actually, I have lived in the Philippines for 15 years now! I have been in Davao for 13 of those 15 years. You are right, this is home for me. If Aaron finds that another place is right for his home, that is fine, and I will support him. It won’t be easy, but that is what I will do!
15 years sorry. Recently I have been having to deal with the idea that my son needs to leave our town to be successful. I have given many recommendations to others that someone needs to be where things was happening to be in a certain business or job. But when it happens in your family it fells different. Well yesterday I told my sons mentor that I thought that my son would need to stay in California. (He is visiting and training with a big academy.) And I would support his decision if my son decided to stay. Not to my surprise he had already stated he wanted to stay there. “love something… let it go”
Hi James – No reason to be sorry! I was just driving home your point that I had been here long enough that I know it is my home!
You are so right.. when you are advising others, it is easy to be objective. When it happens in your own family… well.. it is not as clear, or at least what you want does not line up with what the clear proper answer is.
Hi Bob,
A few years ago before we started our solid plans to move to the Philippines, our only son had graduated from college in Philadelphia.
After working a while he told us that he had a contract to teach in South Korea. I was excited for him, but my husband felt sad and kept to himself his reservations.
We really missed him as we are a close family with a close extended family.
I told my husband and other family that it should be no surprise because we had always traveled ourselves as a family and always looked out for new challenges and adventures.
He recently came to Cebu at the end of his multiple contracts, and had an extended stay here to reconnect with us and family here. He then returned to the US and was happily reunited with my family and friends there.
Over time though, he tells me that he feels a certain disconnect there in the US, and now plans to go back to the friends that he had made, and the excitement and challenges of Korea. My family in the US are now sad all over again at the prospect of him going back to our side in Asia.
My husband and I just want him to find happiness wherever he chooses to live.
The world is getting smaller and as you say, many young people are seeking out their adventure and fortunes abroad, We set the example and should be confident with our own place that we choose to settle I think.
There’s always Skype, and we feel as close to our son as ever in spite of us all being physically apart.
Aaron and his siblings are also fortunate that their life experiences have equipped them to seek out and desire something besides the”usual” life.
I’m all for people taking chances and trying a different way of living and being.
Queenie
Hi Queenie,
Thanks for sharing the story about your son. It seems that life is a circle. We do what we feel is right for us, and then when our kids follow that path, it may not be right for US even if it is right for the kid. But, the best we can do is support them in their quest for adventure and finding the right balance for their life. It also helps us understand how our family/parents felt when we struck out on our quest for the right balance.
Skype and other such VOIP services are great for keeping in touch, and keeping that connection. I don’t know… such services make me happy, but also sad, seeing each other and talking is great, but nothing can ever fill that personal contact!
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Yes the world does seem to get smaller and smaller with things like skype My daughter seems to have a closer relationship with my wife’s family in cebu, on the other side of the world, then she does with my family just a few blocks from our home.
You know what they say, James… about the grass being greener! It seems your daughter proves that!
Well anyway Bob,
Aaron is much younger than our son, and after his whirlwind adventure in the US, he’ll most likely for the time being be reunited with you and your family in Davao. The taste for adventure will have taken root though, so maybe other adventures will follow for him down the road too.
He’ll find his way as we all do.
I agree with you completely, Queenie! 🙂
Bob, good article, as a parent each of us learn to let go as our kids grow and head off into the world as each of us did in our time. And as we watch our children leave our homes our hearts heavy with saddness ands worry we need to remember they will make their way to their future growing, loving and building their life. But it is so hard. I still worry about each of mine and it has been many years since I watched each one drive away.
Bob, good article, as a parent each of us learn to let go as our kids grow and head off into the world as each of us did in our time. And as we watch our children leave our homes our hearts heavy with saddness ands worry we need to remember they will make their way to their future growing, loving and building their life. But it is so hard. I still worry about each of mine and it has been many years since I watched each one drive away.
I wish you the best Bob and hope your son comes home. But living and experiencing the USA changes people. So many more opportunity there for a young person. But hopeful the close family ties will win over take care.
I wish you the best Bob and hope your son comes home. But living and experiencing the USA changes people. So many more opportunity there for a young person. But hopeful the close family ties will win over take care.
Bob:
We all need to make our own path through life. It is tough letting go. However, the decision needs to be his, and his alone.
You did what you needed to do. You gave him the facts for him to make the decision on his own.
I will tell you my personal story. At 17, I could not wait to get out of the house. I wasn’t abused or anything like that. Nothing of the sort. But I did have wanderlust, and I had it bad (Still do to some extent, but it has mellowed over time). I applied to colleges all over the States… Anywhere but near home. I also failed miserably that first year away. I was not ready.
I joined the Army reserve, and went back to Florida to live at home and return to school. That was a failure worse than the first time. That first year being nominally “on my own” meant that I felt more constrained and tied down than ever before. The wanderlust was back, and stronger than ever.
I was listening to all of the family advice, but I really had not figured out FOR MYSELF what I wanted to do. That second foray led to a blow up at home, and things have never really been the same between me and my family ever since (we speak and such, but the close relations are really long gone).
So, I went out on my own. Made some mistakes, some of them really stupid (as I am certain that you did, too). But I did eventually learn from them and got my act together.
So, Aaron is in the USA. He is experiencing new things. He is 18 and will change his mind two dozen times about what he wants to do in life. All you can do is offer him advice, and perhaps try to steer him to locate somewhere near family so that if he gets into serious problems, he is not 100% on his own. You cannot make this easy. It is hard, no matter who you are, and everyone needs to go through this.
As you have written many times on this site: Airplanes fly in two directions. Nothing says that you cannot go back for a two week visit every now and again. Indeed, it may just open your eyes a bit more, too. You are never too old for new experiences.
Hi John – Sage advice, for sure. We followed similar paths. At 18, only a week or two after High School graduation, I moved from Louisiana to Montana, and the rest is history. I am settled pretty firmly now, and happy with the way things turned out. It’s been a good life.
Yes We all have all made mistakes. I had a opportunity to work with Bill Gates in the eighties. I graduated in 1986. I wished I could do that again. But I had a girl friend. LOL
You could have been where Steve Balmer is today, James! Ha ha.. big mistake!
Bob:
I am glad you have things worked out with your son and family in a way that gives you peace. It is good to have a relationship that allows you to work out concerns and differences of opinion.
I believe you mentioned in the past that your mother had visited you since you lived there. I trust and pray that you have things resolved there.
Family relations are important to varying degrees to different people. I have a son that has chosen a way of life that has kept him away for over 10 years because he feels as if he would be treated badly if he reestablished relations. I have kept the door open to him when he is ready to contact me. I have two grandsons that I have seen once each. There are one or two other grandchildren that are supposed to be around but I don’t know for sure. Because I love and spoil kids so much this especially hurts.
I know many are not highly religious, but I pray daily that he will understand that he is loved and my arms and heart are open wide.
What does that have to do with your situation Bob? Not a thing, except show you the other side of the equation. My son was Arron’s age when he made the decisions. You are blessed that your communication is open and nothing has happened that makes a decision on either part harder to change.
Best wishes to all of you.
Hi LeRoy – Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, my mother has visited the Philippines three times now. I would say that things between she and I are not completely resolved, but are in a much better place than they were at the worst. We have a fairly good relationship now, but I still feel that she would prefer if we gave up our life here and returned to the States. I guess I can’t blame her for wanting that, although, I feel that Feyma and I have to do what is best for us to have the best life that we can. I suppose that is what I am going through with Aaron right now, which is why I will be as supportive as I can of him.
I am sorry about your situation with your son and grandchildren. I can tell that it is painful to you, and rightly so.
Our situations are actually related. They are about our children and separation. It is only natural that my article would bring these thoughts to you. I wish you the best of luck with your situation!
Leroy,
I know what you are going through. I’m going through the same thing with my kids and have the same sentiment.
Hi Luke – Yes, learning is not always easy! I am learning that lesson right now! I suppose our relationship between myself and my son will change, but hopefully for the better!
Thank you Ray. I am pretty sure at this point that he will be returning to Davao. Who knows in the future, but I suspect that at some point he will end up in the States. Perhaps he will decide later in life to retire in the Philippines, who knows?
It is a learning and growing experience for everyone concerned Bob. You now know somewhat how your own mother felt when you left. Change is hard sometimes and accepting things even more difficult. You get complacent in the way things are without thinking what will or could become. But as loving parents you will support your son in everything he does and stand behind him in his decisions, no matter what they are as you only want the best for him. You have made a life there for yourself and your own future and happiness should also be considered. Do what your heart tells you – but take your brain with you. I will have the luxury and the best of both worlds and instead of instead of 3/9 I will be 6/6 while building a life there and working here for it.
Great article and thanks for sharing personal things with us!
Hi Peter Danos – Insightful! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it.
You’re welcome Bob Martin!
I read your post and at first when I read you thought clearly that its time to move back I was like, Nope that feeling will only last a minute, because as you said you have family in both places and your life now is in the Philippines. I do know how you both feel, its hard to not have your kids there like they have been forever. I know the feeling well. but Aaron will learn from this experience and come out of it with a little more about what it takes to survive now in both areas. He is young and the talk you gave him did hit home and will hit more home when that reality starts to come into play. my daughter is learning that now as well. but all we can do as parents is be there when they need us and be there for advice but to also let them fall and get back up on their own. Both are hard. But I do like the fact that you are thinking of maybe spending time in both locations, don’t have to do it all the time, but its good for everyone to get out and just revisit family in both areas. family comes first as you know. either way im glad that you guys worked it out and did not fully over react. 🙂
See
You Golden Gate soon
My thoughts are, the best thing Aaron can do is to return to Davao on or near the scheduled time. When he feels ready ( if ever ) go to college taking some kind of course that appeals to him and get some kind of degree. Between now and then he can use the internet to further research things he has found to be of interest to him while he has been here in the USA. I would think he would be better off waiting until after he turns 21.
What he can do to his advantage while he is here is do some what I call ” As If ” looking around, ” as if ” he really is planning at some time to live in the USA. Check out apartment or house rentals, price the cost of a car and insurance, Find out what has to be done to get a Drivers license, What will health insurance cost. Not as many employers pay 100% of it any more as they once did and under Obamacare who knows what the cost may be. Check out help wanted adds and figure out how he can support himself ( maybe just a little starter help from Mom and Dad ) .
Looking into these things on an ” as if ( he was going to move here ) basis may give him some real life knowledge of what to expect. On my visits to The Philippines, even though they are just visits, I always include some ” as if ” looking myself.
As I think you have mentioned many times Bob about people thinking about moving to The Philippines, ” Have A Plan “. It is kind of early for Aaron to have a plan but he is in a good position to be here in the USA for a few months or more to do the research. When he gets a good idea what it is going to cost him on a self supporting basis and how to earn that kind of money, it will give him a good foundation for making His Plan for his future. My niece has been working in a foreign country ( England ) for over 25 years now and has been quire successful. She moved there from the USA soon after graduating from college here in the USA.
From what I have read here so far on ” Aarons American Adventure ” I think he will return home to Davao, go to college and graduate and then make the right decision for himself. After all, he has had a couple of good teachers in his lifetime.
Hi Bob – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
College is of little concern to me. For any of my kids that want to go to College, that is fine, but those that don’t want to go, I have no problem with that either. I did not finish college, it was a bore to me. I have done fine in my life, and I feel that I have taught my kids how to make a good life without college. There are so many opportunities out there…
By the way, Aaron already has a job, which starts next month! 🙂 I helped him get that, through a friend. So, he will get a bit of experience! It will open his eyes to possibilities, and what it is like to work and live there. The real life.
I think that the difference in Aaron in the “have a plan” realm is that he is a citizen, he has family there, and people who can guide him and help him. A lot of people write to me and say they will move here even though they have nothing but an online girlfriend and have never set foot in the Philippines! 🙂 Big difference there.
After six years in Davao, no vacations to U.S., I have to go back for medical reasons. I plan on living in Oklahoma City for four years, then I want to come back home to Davao.
I cannot take my daughter since legally she is a niece and I only have custody.
She is starting to UM, the University part this year and taking nursing.
I have house at Catalunan Grande I am having remodeled and will move her there. Leaving her is extremely hard for me, she is my daughter. I am planning on moving back in time to see her graduate.
I will be leaving on November 22 on China Airlines. Between now and then I will be making sure Hanna knows how to handle budgets and run a house.
Hi Brent, – Thanks for your thoughts. Firstly, I owe you a big thanks for the kindness that you have shown Aaron, you really did a huge thing there! You are right, this is a big learning experience for Aaron, and people like you are teaching him a lot about the kindness of Americans, and the generosity.
Hi Violet, have fun! I hope you are enjoying your trip!
Hi Kenneth – I am sorry to hear that there is a medical issue. I hope that whatever the problem is you will lick it quickly! Good luck to you.
Yes Bob! I am in awe to a very different American way of life
hello friend bob. i read your story… how sad but that life. what matter most is that u can overcome this… with the help of GOD. may the LORD protect and guide to your family… in every steps of your journey you are not alone.. there is some to help you… im here to be ur new friend sir bob
I’d like to hear all the stories and rumors about me after I leave.
That seemed to be about the worst part of living in Philippines for me.
The good part was the part of being a dad. Changing the life of a child.
indeed sir bob
I’m sure it’s hard, but the Best gift my parents gave me was freedom and pushing me from the nest early
It made me independent, a Marine for a bit, and able to do college with zero home sickness, and lived and worked all over world. A “Gift” for rest of my life while always loving my parents and going home holidays ,Etc. Set him free and let him fly….You will never regret it. More importantly, neither will he !
Hi Violet, yes, no doubt that life in the USA is different from the Philippines. For me, I prefer the life here in the Philippines, but I understand that we are all different, and other people prefer the faster life in the USA. 🙂
Hi Bon – Thank you for commenting. Yes, that is life, it is sad, but I am also happy for my son!
you will sir
Hi Kenneth Crawley – I think you know me well enough to know that I am not into the stories and gossip. If there is gossip about you, I won’t even hear it! So, I am sure not the right person to ask about that! 🙂 Take care.
Hi James – I want to be the guy who gives that gift to Aaron, and I try to live up to that. 🙂 It is important for him to gain independence and learn to live in a way that makes for a good life for himself!
What i appreciate here…. Clean surroundings, safe to walk, nice drivers ( no honking all the time) when we had accident this morning, people were polite- from police officers, bus driver, bus supervisor who arrived quickly…. and much more
Come to Davao, Violet! It is like that here too… Not Manila here! 😉
I tried that moving around the states when my kids all left home but after a while you realize as you said that no matter where you move they may not stay. So i live where i am happy and support my kids as best i can in their decisions to live in different areas.
Great strategy, Roger! Wish I had thought of that! 😉 Just joking… I think it is about the only thing you can do, really!
Wonderful story, and so very true! Good luck and good fortune to your family Bob!
Wonderful story, and so very true! Good luck and good fortune to your family Bob!
Thank you so much, Daniel Bernard, I appreciate your kind words!
Very interesting development Bob.
I suppose that we think we’re finished with growing when we’re on our own with our own families. But learning to deal with the kids leaving the nest is a part of our growing as well.
Our family has developed a blend of the close knit Asian style with a heavy dose of the American independent spirit. We encouraged our son to travel and see as much of the States and the world as he could. But he knows that he can always move back in with us whenever he needs to. He has recently returned to the US after working for several years in Japan.
We thought he would stay for a while, but he surprised us with the news that he will only be here long enough to get some more licensing and experience in order to improve his opportunities in Japan.
When our children thrive away from the nest, it is a sign that we’ve done our parenting jobs well. Of course there is quite a bit of luck in that equation also, so there are no guarantees.
Take care,
Pete
Hi Pete – Thanks for your comment, hope all is well on your end. 🙂
You are right! If our kids show that they can handle themselves well when they take off on an adventure, it confirms that we have done well in their upbringing! Something to be proud of. So far, Aaron has done a great job, and I am sure he will continue on that path! I am happy about that!
Hi Bob
It gets even harder if your children live in more than one country and have children of their own.
I know for my family, though we talk always, the grandparents on all sides, can’t help but miss their grandchildren.
Good decision to be stable though, naturally one can always get on a plane and do a short trip to say hi. Just look for the promo rates!
Hi Brenton – Yes, I think it is even harder when you are separated from a grandchild by far distance. I don’t even want to think about that yet! 🙂
Nice article Bob…..
I can certainly identify how your son feels. My wife enjoys it here very much. She got a job which she loves very much. When I bring up going back…she says lets just go visit. My plan was just to come here for 3 or 4 years till she got her citizenship. Now I am not so sure what we will do. In the end it does not matter so much where we live, but that the 2 of us are together. Life here is better in many ways for her and I understand that. She likes making money and helping her family. I think she feels good about that.
I will say everyone’s family dynamic is different. Having skype and viber makes the world small.
Right now your son is like a kid in a candy store. He’s real lucky he has the options to live where he wants, and I wish him luck no matter where he settles.
Thanks, Greg. I know that when I decided that I wanted to move to the Philippines, Feyma had no interest. It took several years for me to convince her to give it a try! 🙂 So, I can understand your wife’s feelings!
I’ve not read thorough all the comments, so what I’m about to say may have been said by others too.
I can understand Aaron’s thoughts that it would be great to stay in the US; suddenly seeing that there is a different life, a more convenient life, a life with greater opportunities for discovery, is surely very attractive. I also understand the over-reaction on yours and Feyma’s part. An eighteen year old child in the Philippines is nothing like an eighteen year old Westerner. I’d say that an eighteen year old Filipino is more akin to a thirteen or fourteen year old westerner…so Aaron, never having seen anything other than the Philippines, is obviously way less experienced in life than his Western counterpart. Consequently, I’d say that he is not really qualified to make such a decision this early; though he may grow up very quickly indeed while he is there, and sees the freedoms and independence that other 18 year old’s have.
My advice would be that when it’s time for him to return to the Philippines as when planned, or perhaps with a few months extension, he does so. You and he, will then see if he comes home as an “adult”. Then it’s time to take a few months or a year to decide what he’s going to do with his life in terms of career/education etc., and if he then feels that he’d like to explore the opportunities in the US, or elsewhere, that would probably be a better time.
Just my thoughts, with the best of intentions.
Jim
Hi Jim – Much of what you say makes perfect sense. Some of what was said I want to address:
1. Level of maturity. With Aaron growing up in a more western environment (in our house, Feyma and I tend to live a more American style lifestyle, with exceptions), his level of maturity was certainly well over the 13 or 14 year old level. Aaron has a US cousin who is about 4 or 5 months younger than he is. I would say she is probably (or was, before he want there) slightly more mature than he is (was), not much difference.
2. Although you did not say this, I know a number of people will say and think that kids educated in the Philippines are well behind their US/foreign counterparts. I have always believed that this is incorrect. At least in Aaron’s case, I can say that his educational level is at least on par, perhaps slightly ahead of American cousins and friends the same age level.
3. I can say with certainty that Aaron has matured a LOT in the 2+ months that he has been in the States. Even friends and family there tell us that, and we observe it when we talk to Aaron on Skype, Viber or on the telephone. It is a huge difference, and happened very quickly.
I am close to the point that I would be fairly comfortable with his ability to do well if he decided to stay. I think he would do better if he comes back and takes steps to set himself up a bit before making a commitment to making such a move. I do feel pretty certain that he will end up living there at some point in the future, it is just hard to know how far in the future we will go before that happens.
Regarding opportunity…. I know that many look at it differently, but I feel that business wise, there is a lot MORE opportunity in the Philippines than in the USA. I know that for myself I have found a lot more opportunity here and I make a lot more money here than I ever made in the States.
Thanks fro sharing your thoughts, Jim. I mostly agree with just about everything you said.
There’s no doubt about what you say about the educational level Bob. I see myself, very much, that the Filipino education is equal to that available in the West. We are even considering, presently, if Caroline might go to university in the Philippines when she is 17/18. Much as that young lad who wrote on this site a couple of years ago did…I forget his name now). Caroline is much more worldly wise now, (though not intellectually) at 12, than her 17 year old cousin who lives in Digos, and I even see this difference between children living here who are the result of two Philippine parents, and those children who result from Filipino/white marriages. It’s a cultural thing, of course, to do with the way the family interact at home, and the kinds of discussions they have, and television they watch, etc. (Most Filipino married to Filipino families living overseas are more or less in the Philippines when at home with the door closed, and apart from work, their socialisation is almost exclusively with other Filipino’s too).
As an example of what I mean, Caroline goes to the shopping mall and to the movies with her schoolfriends occasionally now, dropped off and picked up by parents of course, but the Filipino’s we know are uncomfortable with that, and sometimes even visibly shocked.
I am not surprised to hear that you’re noticing differences in Aaron already. That’s to do with them having the independence of being away from the parents I believe. I used to spend the long summers with my Grandparents at the opposite end of the UK when I was in my mid to late teens, and I personally felt that those were the times when I “grew” more as a person.
As for your thoughts on business, I believe that there are good business opportunities there if you find the right niche, as you have. I would still say that it would do him a world of good to see how business is done elsewhere though, otherwise he might end up thinking it’s okay to offer crap customer service. I see that he’s already observing those differences, and is a little surprised by it.
One way or another, he is clearly well supported by family wherever he is, and I have no doubt that he will do well. That’s the result of a good upbringing.
Yep, Jim, I am in full agreement on everything you are saying. Not only do I agree, I am seeing much of what you say in process. I think it is good for Aaron to be experiencing the things that he is going through right now. Tomorrow he will have an article about another step that he will be embarking on later this week. It is a good process for him, and a very educational one.
By the way, the fellow that was a student who wrote here on the site for a time, about 4 or 5 years ago was Jonathan Watson. He has been still studying here in the Philippines. Recently he had to return to the USA, though, for medical treatment. It turned out the he had cancer! Such a young guy, and seriously ill with cancer. From what I hear, though, he had surgery and he is doing pretty good, it looks like although the cancer was rather advanced, he was able to have successful surgery. Good luck to him.